Short Stories | Storiesville.com

England 1066 (Dawn)...

She's not very attractive. No, that isn't quite...

J.J (soulwriter) Profile Page

Hits	1073
Online Status	OFFLINE
Member Since	04/24/2008
Last Online	10/11/2008
Connections	1
Avg Profile Rating

Stories

Published Short Stories

Date	Title	Category	Hits
Aug 4, 2008	Catching madness without losin' It	Poetry	101
Jul 15, 2008	Two Sides of the Spectrum	Miscellaneous Stories	126
Jul 14, 2008	Imagination Encircles The World	Poetry	148
Jul 13, 2008	Her Most Loyal Man	Poetry	142
Jul 6, 2008	That One Perfect Chord	Poetry	145
Jul 3, 2008	Whistlin' Past the Graveyard	Poetry	172
Jul 2, 2008	Everything You Can Think	Poetry	140
Jun 30, 2008	Building Steam with a Grain of God	Poetry	259
Jun 28, 2008	In a Sentimental Mood	Poetry	117
Jun 28, 2008	Self-Portrait in Three Colors	Poetry	101
Jun 26, 2008	What goes on in the suburban streets	Poetry	115
Jun 24, 2008	It's the Money	Poetry	123
Jun 24, 2008	She and she alone	Poetry	115
Jun 21, 2008	Watching the dreamers	Poetry	109
Jun 17, 2008	Something about confusion	Poetry	122
Jun 14, 2008	Though it was only dreaming, it stayed with me (poem)	Poetry	86
Jun 13, 2008	The Passenger (a poem)	Poetry	105
Jun 13, 2008	The Average Man (a poem)	Poetry	120
Jun 5, 2008	Feeling nostalgic for when tomorrow was your future?	Miscellaneous Stories	146
Jun 1, 2008	Dream #1	Miscellaneous Stories	150

<< Start < Prev [1] 2 Next > End >>

Comments

Total number of comments: 35

Title article: Why
Date: 2008-07-15 06:39:52

These lines make no sense to me, I'm afraid -

Shuttle cock and loom (loom isn't a noun, and why are you bringing badminton into it?)

Consume the drum is beating boldly (the drum is called Comsume?)

I'm guessing this poem is about the doom that greed and evil will bring, resulting in war, yeah? And this "simple soul" is the way to be? Why speak about pigs in a sty? Are they supposed to represent the "moneyed faces" as the "simple soul" sees them?

It's okay, but again, those lines are somewhat fluffed.

Title article: Imagination Encircles The World
Date: 2008-07-14 18:03:17

Believe me, I need periods...like a woman needs wet dreams. Ahahaha...I made a pun.

Title article: Her Most Loyal Man
Date: 2008-07-14 15:38:21

"his love" - it means as in she is his love - he's referring to her as "his love". He thinks he is in love with her, and calls her his love, as in "his one true love".

Title article: Unavoidable Detours Created By The Elderly.
Date: 2008-07-13 19:19:35

Yeah, just a moment in someone's life, these two young people surrounded by the old. I really liked how the old guys kept harassing him, like he'd entered their territory.

You're a really good writer, you don't need gimmicks like shock endings or any obviously exciting plot device to make your story gripping (but in a relaxed way...if that makes sense)

Title article: Her Most Loyal Man
Date: 2008-07-13 19:07:37

Damn, can't seem to fix it.

By the by, I should say that the guy in the poem isn't me.

Title article: Frustration
Date: 2008-07-13 16:41:44

I don't know. You do a fair enough job of describing frustration, but it reads too much like song lyrics. Like something that was written for the way it sounded, as opposed to what it says. You dig?

Title article: To Whom It May Concern
Date: 2008-07-13 16:28:35

Wow. Good insight into the sort of nature and personality that leads to that kind of stuff.

Maybe you should make it longer and add in speific incidents that made the guy so disillusioned.

Title article: Secret Wars
Date: 2008-07-06 09:47:33

Quite a likeable poem, flows well. There are a few mistakes - using "your" instead of "you're" and not capitalizing "I". Also, there are a few lines that don't really work - the aforementioned "that constantly screams,patient" - are you saying the crowd is calling him a mental patient, i.e. insane?
"it has boggled your memory" - you're thinking of "mind-boggling" and trying to use it to say "ruined your memory", that doesn't quite fit.

Title article: Testing My Pencil
Date: 2008-07-06 09:40:29

That's a pretty original piece of writing, probably the first time I've seen someone ask his pencil's opinion (at least, without there being some ingestion of LSD or something similar beforehand). Well done.

Title article: The Cure for Insomnia
Date: 2008-07-03 18:44:10

Another insomniac commenting... yeah, this is pretty good, describes well the feelings you get after a while at night.

One problem would be that I don't think the word "cozy" fits the tone of the poem, it's slightly informal whereas the rest of the poem is written in a very formal tone.

<< Start < Prev [1] 2 3 4 Next > End >>

Forum

This user has no forum posts.

Connection

J.J (soulwriter)'s connections

Anna DeVine (Sad Sara)

Guestbook

This user currently doesn't have any posts.

Pictures

Picture/Images uploaded by the member

No Items published in this profile gallery