“Ms. Podell! Octavio’s bothering me!!”  I hear Dean call out.  I turn around from where I am sitting at the classroom computer.  I give Octavio a look, that teacher look, that I practice in front of the mirror sometimes, which he pretends not to see.  “You guys, I’ll be done in a minute. Just sit still for one minute.”   I promised to let them color this afternoon, and I am printing a coloring page off a teachers website.  “Ms. Podell can I go to the bathroom?!” Alberto yells. “Fine.”  He chooses Edvin to go with him. The school has a rule they must go with a partner.  Two little boys scurry towards the door, surely to run down the hall and splash water on each other from the fountain.

My head hurts.  Last night I went on a date with Kevin, the thirty year old from Manhattan Beach.  He’s not very interesting, so I had more wine than I should of.  And now I am here with my head pounding…god the printer is so loud.  It’s never been this loud.  Is it broken?  Cause its really ******* loud.  I look at the clock, two more hours and then I can go home and sleep. Two more hours….

 I lean over in my blue plastic chair to grab the copies coming out of the printer, I lean the chair on one leg to grab the sheet of paper quickly coming out when it happens, I can feel it, the chair tipping, the leg slipping, my unsturdy Payless heels splaying to the side and finally my body falling on to the sticky classroom floor.  I land on my hip and hit my elbow, my funny bone, which is never funny. The chair falls with me, I may or may not yell aloud.  I close my eyes as soon as I hit the floor, I check to see if I really am hurt.  Pain in my elbow, but not more than when I bump it any other time.  Nothing else is really wrong, I know, I keep my eyes closed though, maybe it didn’t really happen, but I know it did, I can tell by the silence.  My students are never silent, especially when I’m hung over, but for a second now they are.

Then it starts- “Ms. Podell fell!”  I hear a shocked Juan call out to Edvin and Alberto as they must be turning the doorknob to leave for their bathroom adventure. I slowly roll to my back and hear little footsteps coming closer and closer, I hear giggling. I try and think of a time when I saw a teacher of mine fall.  Never, not even a trip, not a stumble.  I can’t remember one, not grade school, high school teachers, no college professors, no graduate professors, no dance schoolteachers, swimming instructors, or girl-scout leaders.  I can’t remember one clumsy or even graceful fall.  I might have giggled too I guess.  I open my eyes to a circle of little heads staring down.  “Ms. Podell, you fell.” Juan informs me. 

I get up off the sticky floor.

 “I know that I fell, but what Ms. Podell doesn’t know is why you are smiling about it Juanito!  Are you- who is giggling?  This is not funny! Ms. Podell could really have been hurt. Do you want me to be hurt? Do you want your nice teacher who lets you color be hurt?”  (If there’s one thing a Jewish girl like me knows how to do its give a good guilt trip)

I see heads shaking no.  “Good, cause if Ms. Podell were ever hurt you might get a mean old lady substitute with hair growing out of her nose.”  Little brown eyes go wide.   I tell them to sit down with their heads down- “no talking!”  They shuffle to their seats.  I pick the blue chair up and sit down, try to collect myself but all I can think of is how this feeling is not at all unfamiliar, I’ve had it before.  I have a problem with falling, not falling in love, not falling for practical jokes, but physically falling to the ground.

I am thirteen years old, standing in a beautiful country club that my parents can’t afford for my Bat Mitzvah Party, its just started and everyone has arrived, I am nervous, nervous to be the center of attention and have everyone look at me.  At me.  I hear a familiar song, the Hora and see people surge to the wooden dance floor and form two circles.  I see my Dad and his friends-Jan my Godfather, Roger and Uncle Billy who isn’t really my Uncle grab a chair.  I see each one of them grab a leg and motion for me to come over, this is the time, this is the time when the Bat Mitzvah girl is supposed to sit in the chair and be celebrated and lifted high in the air.  Dad and his friends are so happy, none of them have kids and I am the oldest of three, the first to have a party this size.  I think they are all drunk.  They are celebrating I guess.  I’m used to seeing them like this when they are together, Dad and his friends- they know how to party. 

I made sure I had a discussion with my mom the day before, “Please tell Dad not to embarrass me at the party.”

  “You tell him that Corey.”  I can’t tell him that, she knows it.  I asked her as my 13^th birthday gift to please talk to him about not embarrassing me.  She tells me my 13^th birthday gift is the expensive party she is throwing me.  I tell her I never wanted a Bat Mitzvah party to begin with. She tells me I’m ungrateful.  From the looks of it right now, with my Dad and his friends motioning me over, Mom never did have that talk with him. 

I wish she would just admit it to me finally.  That I’m adopted.  That my real family is rich and Cuban and they live in Miami.  My mother Carmen or Catalina maybe, looks like Marisa Tomei and she misses me.  My real name is Cristina, something really feminine, and I am really Catholic and shouldn’t be having a Bat Mitzvah right now, but should really be choosing who my sponsor will be when I get confirmed in Church, I’m thinking my Aunt Maria.

I tentatively sit in the chair amid clapping and smiles and music and people spinning in two circles, I hold on, make eye contact with my cousin Jessie, thank God she is here, she is like an older sister.  And I clutch the arms.  Higher and higher, faster and faster.

“Ms. Podell- Ms. Podell will we still get to color?”  I snap back to Juan.  Little Juan, huge brown puppy eyes Juan. Juan who invites me to his birthday parties Juan. 

“Did I say no talking or did I say no talking-that’s one more minute!”

Higher and Higher, Faster and faster, I can feel my stomach drop like I’m on a roller coaster. I feel the chair become uneven, I hold tighter. 

“Ms Podell- I still have to go to the bathroom”, whines Alberto.

 “I said heads down!”

I see my cousin Jessie, I lock eyes and I can tell that she knows what is about to happen too, I can see her trying to get my Dads attention- “Uncle Jeff!  Uncle Jeff!”- he doesn’t hear her.  And that’s when it happens.

I can feel it-- the chair tipping, the leg slipping, my unsturdy dyed to match heels splaying to the side and finally my body falling onto the scuffed wooden dance floor.  I land on my hip and hit my elbow, my funny bone, which is never funny, I may or may not yell aloud. I close my eyes as soon as I hit the floor, I check to see if I’m really hurt.  Pain in my elbow, but not more than when I bump it any other time.  Nothing else is wrong I know I keep my eyes closed though, maybe it didn’t really happen but I know that it did I can tell by the silence.  My family is never silent, especially at parties, but for one second they are. 

I stand up quickly and while looking at the ground grab Jessie’s hand and squeeze it tight and listen to her tell me to breath. I don’t know how long I wait until I finally lift my eyes up and see that everyone has moved on, mesmerized by my brother and sister, both in the chair at the same time, how cute, their lovely blond wispy hair bouncy away, I am relieved that eyes aren’t on me. I hope my dress didn’t go up, I hope no one saw my undies, that aren’t very nice, but make me feel skinny.  I’m pretty sure if any of the boys saw those undies, I’ll never get a boyfriend.  

During the next song I slip to the bathroom, I don’t cry, I just need a minute to breathe.  My mother’s childhood friend Betsy and her life partner Roz come in and give me an awkward hug-

“You’re dad can be such a dick” Betsy says, but I must have a weird look on my face because she sort of takes it back-

“You know what I mean- they just still think they’re seventeen, you’re dad and his friends.”   

I know she is trying to be nice but I wish she didn’t say anything.  Now that she said something I know it is true, it really happened and people saw and people will remember it and it might be captured in pictures or on video.  And worst of all, people might think my dad is a dick like she said.

The classroom door opens wide, Ms. Gregory my aide walks in and sees the kids-

“Oh snap- what did they do now?” 

She knows that heads down, no talking is a punishment saved for the worst offenses- pushing in line, bad behavior in assemblies, excessive tattling. 

“Oh, um I fell.”  She looks shocked and asks me where.  I tell her I fell out of the chair but I’m fine.   She asks me why the kids are in trouble.

“Um….I don’t know, they laughed…” As soon as the words come out little heads pop up- “It wasn’t me! It wasn’t me!  It was Juan! It was Keyon!” Excessive tattling.  As the words come out I also know I am ridiculous, how did anyone let me be a teacher?  

  Ms. Gregory catches my eye and starts- she giggles at first, then laughs, they almost howls, I can’t help but join in, its funny what happened.  Especially to Ms. Gregory- she teases me about everything, especially because she knows this isn’t the first time I’ve fallen at work.  My students look up tentatively at first and see me smiling, then they join in cautiously, and begin to laugh with us.  I can’t ever remember my teachers falling or tripping or skidding, but if they did, and if they weren’t hurt, I’d laugh too.