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Short Stories Humor I Tried...
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I Tried... |
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| Written by Robert Quintin Penn | |
| Saturday, 13 October 2007 | |
| Last Updated ( Monday, 15 October 2007 ) |
What went wrong? Why didn't I make the kill? I will tell you. The woman who was my target is an opera singer. I went to school with her, lived a few doors down from her, went to church with her, and let me tell you, I cannot stand her. I hate her. With the souls of a thousand burning men I hated this woman. I got into the murder-for-hire field, and wouldn't you know it, I actually had someone willing to pay me 100 grand to kill her. The man wanted her dead, I wanted her dead, and I was going to be filthy rich. At the time this deal was being struck, the target had moved to a different residence, but was still doing what she did best; sing. To the opera house I went.
The gun I chose was a .22 Henry, or Winchester, hell if I know. It shot bullets, it had a scope, and it could disassemble and stow in the stock. When it comes to shooting, I am a terrible shot. I needed the scope, but I had to be far enough back that I could both not be seen and escape quickly. Through a rear entrance was a set of stairs leading up to a cat-walk. I would simply have to shoot, run down the stairs, and get out of there. My getaway vehicle was a simple moped. Fast, nimble, and agile. It'd get me away and quickly. Now here comes the good part. This is why I ended up not being able to kill her.
My moped was in the back ally, I had my little rifle, and the back was completely free of people. I snuck in, ran up the stairs, and assembled my gun. Then, I just waited for the opportune time. Looking through the scope, I could see her singing, dressed as a Valkyrie, singing that classic Wagner opera piece. Funny thing was, I decided to sit there, listening to some of the songs. Then I got my act together and prepared to make the kill. The cross-hairs aligned, the safety off, a round chambered, this was it. I heard her voice, “ah...ah...ah.....AAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” Just before the high pitched note ended, the lenses in my scope broke. Can you believe that? So it is true that a person can break glass with their voice!
“I'll let her live.” I murmured, as I went down the stairs to my awaiting moped. “So that's why her husband's ears were bleeding when he arranged the hit with me...” I jumped on, and sped away for home.
Copyright 2007 Robert Quintin Penn
Comments (43) |
 10-15-2007 07:32, how exactly does one get in the murder for hire buisness? good story :grin » Reply to this comment...  10-15-2007 12:30, hahaha a professional killer and a moped? now that's funny :grin » Reply to this comment... 10-15-2007 13:11, how does one, who is a TERRIBLE SHOT, get into the mercenary business (Uh, yeah, that's the best word I could think of to describe it). It was good Quintin (can I call you that?) Ha! A moped. How cute. » Reply to this comment... 10-15-2007 13:13, okay im stupid can somebody tell me what a moped is? :? :? :? » Reply to this comment... 10-15-2007 13:54, It's a little hair-dryer of a motorbike....for girls and those of a delicate disposition. » Reply to this comment... 10-15-2007 15:47, thanks... :grin » Reply to this comment...  10-15-2007 16:28, To answer your questions, Yahaira, it's not always about using a gun to make the kill, so a skilled assassin may be deadly with a knife, but a rifle wouldn't be in their field. And yes, I'd prefer you call me Quintin. You could call me Mr. Penn, or Robert, but my Father and his Father go by those names. :) » Reply to this comment...  10-16-2007 11:28, ooo, grazie! (thank you in Italian). You're right, an assassin could very well be good with one technique and cruddy with the next. So guns weren't your guy's specialty, what will it be then, a knife as you made mention? Ooo, a sword! Better yet, his hands! Let's try cracking that neck of yours in your sleep. heh heh heh. » Reply to this comment... 10-16-2007 12:17, ....if he's not good with guns, but uses some other method of killing, why use one on the target? And if he doesn't know his *ahem* from hs elbow when it comes to guns, how does he know how to strip one?...and how would he know if the sight was correct/in alignment with the gun? Sorry, but ya know it doesn't really fit or something. :? » Reply to this comment... 10-16-2007 12:30, An AR-7 isn't necessarily "stripped" but able to have the barrel and receiver removed and put in to the stock. It's not rocket science when it comes to guns and how to use them. And fact of the matter is that she was going to get shot, maybe not in the head, but still, even if the scope wasn't aligned, he'd get a good shot. » Reply to this comment... 10-16-2007 12:33, ...but he's a terrible shot? :? :x » Reply to this comment... 10-16-2007 13:05, Technically the man's ability to prep a gun or rifle was never something he admitted to be lousy at... only thing I got from the second paragraph was that he didn't bother to learn how to tell the difference between a Winchester and a Henry and that he was a bad shot. It's like a person that writes lyrics for a song. He might be great at writing songs, but horrible at singing them. But, maybe the assassin shouldn't have planned on using a rifle unless it was his last resort, no? » Reply to this comment... 10-17-2007 07:58, what happened to the old days when we could just read funny stories like this one and laugh without all these technicalities? :) » Reply to this comment... 10-17-2007 13:30, Amen, Ayo. Let me explain my purpose for writing this. To show the unlikely happening of a man's rifle scope breaking from an opera singer's voice. Never had that happen before, have you? :grin Still, I've got (as of now) a solid five star score, which is good enough for me. » Reply to this comment...  10-17-2007 20:22, No wonder her husband wanted her dead :grin » Reply to this comment... 10-19-2007 08:15, why do you fight that much is just a story, just enjoy it and dont make that much of questions!!! :( :grin » Reply to this comment... 10-19-2007 12:42, Exactly! :grin » Reply to this comment...  10-19-2007 16:33, You will see this comment only if I really liked the story I have read. Dear Mr. Robert, Please excuse my loud excited declaration, Nevertheless, MY GOD, you are good. God placed upon your mind, his inspiration, You wrote them down as best, as you could. You delivered the words of your story with so much passion, God painted you a picture so vividly clear. His love and his joy just flows from your imagination. Your words often express the things I hope to hear. Please continue your words to write. Faithfully, listen to everything that God has to say. Think over every word until they come out right. Your words just might brighten up someone?s day. God bless you, Paster Reginald L. Walker » Reply to this comment... 10-19-2007 16:35, With the words, you say, some might not quite agree. However, the words you say are your story to tell. Only you can tell your story the way that it ought to be. The way you tell your story is what makes it sell. God bless you, Pastor Reginald Levi Walker » Reply to this comment... 10-19-2007 16:39, Very good job Three applause for the thoughts, you express. That story will be placed among the very best. You really wrote that story quite vividly. The paradoxical killer for all to see. I really enjoyed the words I read. Damn, I wish I penned them, instead. Copyright 2007 Reginald Levi Walker This is a review to the wonderful entertaining story I just read. » Reply to this comment...  10-20-2007 17:33, F'real. I could see the scope shattering and the guy muttering 'dam-nit!' » Reply to this comment... 10-21-2007 12:56, :grin and make a not-so-quick getaway with his moped... » Reply to this comment... 10-21-2007 18:19, :) » Reply to this comment... 10-21-2007 19:01, Very good story. Pastor Walker asked me to read it because it was funny. I am a deer hunter. Yes, the funny thing is a killer that knows nothing about the weapon he choose to use and then for everything to go the way it did. Pastor Walker was right. It is really good and funny. I give it 4 stars for the effort and the laugh. Michael Henry visionofhope1st@aol.com » Reply to this comment... 10-24-2007 14:50, Greetings, I wish to ask your permission to publish your short humor story in English, at Revista del Rosario. Is the Universidad del Rosario?s Revue. This revue has 102 years. We are preparing a selection of 102 shorts stories to celebrate our 102 years. This issue will be distributed by subscription on January 2008. The Universidad del Rosario is in Bogot? - Colombia (South America) This assumes, of course, that you hold the copyright to the work. What do you think? let me know kajohera@yahoo.fr » Reply to this comment...  10-26-2007 10:21, I loved it. It was absurdly funny; made what should have been a very dramatic, appalling crime into something you could only laugh at. very well written. » Reply to this comment... 10-30-2007 15:46, :grin Funny. » Reply to this comment... 11-06-2007 01:58, Light humor » Reply to this comment...  11-06-2007 23:09, :grin damn good boss . . me ROFL!! » Reply to this comment... 11-11-2007 04:21, do it yourself » Reply to this comment...  11-11-2007 13:56, hey I have a moped sniff :sigh » Reply to this comment... 11-12-2007 14:41, I bet you're not a professional killer though :) » Reply to this comment...  12-04-2007 13:16, many times i'll write a story around a theme, or a single line... then everybody tends to get so focused on the fuzz around the line that they miss it... usually, though, it's my fault... good story » Reply to this comment... 12-18-2007 06:10, this was great, exactly what i want from a short story. i was a little unsure in the first few lines but by the end i had a big smile. » Reply to this comment... 12-28-2007 23:20, Hehe. It scared me for a moment, I was thinking "Oh, no! A pastor's reading this? It's about a killer!" but then I saw that he seemed to have enjoyed it so much that he wrote poems about it! Very good story! » Reply to this comment...  12-30-2007 20:38, i liked your ending, its always good to have a killer ending in as few sentences as possible, awesome story! » Reply to this comment...  01-14-2008 17:09, You know, people often imagine hired assasins being so skilled and cunning, but dont they have to start somewhere? This was amusing. » Reply to this comment...  01-14-2008 19:28, Funny! If i ever anger someone enough, I hop they hire him to finish me off » Reply to this comment... 01-15-2008 03:52, I am kind of late into this action, but just had to throw in my two cents. Great Story! Nicely thought. » Reply to this comment... 01-31-2008 10:27, Great story! » Reply to this comment... 01-31-2008 18:12, I come to this site alot and tho I don't leave any comments on some of the stories I read I have to say this was really good. » Reply to this comment...  02-02-2008 10:17, Loved it, especially the twist at the end. » Reply to this comment...  02-11-2008 13:27, story. The unusaly twist at the end and all. Favorite it I will. :D » Reply to this comment... |
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