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It finally happened, I fell in love. Yes me, the most timid, shy, self-conscious, almost too nice person you’re ever likely to meet fell in love. She’s not beautiful; I’ll admit that, though if she ever asked I’d leap at the chance to lavish her with compliments about how stunningly radiant she is.

 Do I find her beautiful? You might ask; and I’d answer resignedly with a no. I do enjoy looking at her; don’t get me wrong, but beautiful? It is much too strong a word to apply to her; cute is infinitely more suitable.

 Well then why do you like her? Another may presume to ask. Beauty is actually quite low on my list of qualities I look for in a girl; which is rather short I might add. Humor, oh yes she certainly has a lot of that; she’s intelligent, fun to hang around with, funny, cute, and above all nice. That’s all.

 I have met many other girls with all of these attributes yet my mind chooses her. Why? I cannot say. I met her in a fairly innocuous situation: work. A summer job at a school spawned the first, and only, love of my young life.

She began about halfway through the entire month and a half process of remodeling the school. There was another girl was just like her: fairly cute, humorous, fun to hang around with, smart and nice. Yet my mind did not even consider the possibility of loving this other girl, strange how things work out that way.

 I did not notice a reaction from the first moment we met eyes. There was no love at first sight with her; it was mainly awkward as I am, as stated above, a very shy person. Gradually we developed a very friendly relationship and I began to open up to her more. I would curse when we were separated into doing separate jobs and love the moments when we were together.

As naïve as this may seem, I didn’t understand my feelings at first; and to be quite honest I am still not sure about them. I began to feel the infamous “butterflies” in my stomach whenever I thought about her and I found my thoughts straying to her whenever they could.

I tried to reason with myself through those times with logic but it was to no avail and soon after I realized I was, am, in love. We sat together during our lunch breaks and I tried my hardest to spend as much with her as possible as everything seemed dull when she was not present.

After a good three weeks together I was sure of my feelings as I am now; which is, sadly enough, not very. I began to think of excuses that might give me a chance to ask her out when I logged onto the internet at home. I noticed I had an email from a popular social networking website, a friend request. It was her; my heart leapt into my throat, for no real reason, and I clicked accept; hoping that this would further what was, in my mind, already a relationship.

After being accepted minutes later, I eagerly looked over her profile and that’s where things got a little messy. My heart literally skipped a beat as I read her Relationship Status: Taken. I tried to rationalize this as well: maybe it was a joke or a friendly thing. Unfortunately for me it was no joke nor was it a mere friendly relationship.

She had a boyfriend. After a few heart-breaking moments of sleuthing, also called creeping or stalking but I didn’t care at the time, I found out that they had been in a relationship for over a year. I was just devastated that night; trying to find various ways around it to no avail.

I acted as normal as possible the next day but I think she sensed something was different because she asked me, “What’s wrong?” about 30 times to which I always replied, “Nothing, I’m fine”. I wasn’t fine. What I really wanted to say was “Why didn’t you ever tell me?” I know I was over-reacting in my mind but I still maintain that she should have mentioned it before I became so attached emotionally to her.

3 weeks and she didn’t pick up any hints that I liked her? I find that fairly hard to believe and I much rather would have heard it from her rather than from a random website. Now this is the absolutely terrible part and I despise myself for even thinking it but I actually wanted her boyfriend to be a dick or an abuser so that I could comfort her.

I just wanted to hold her in my arms and save her from something, anything but she has an awesome life and I’m sure, never met him personally before, an awesome boyfriend. That’s absolutely atrocious to wish that upon someone you supposedly love! You might say. I agree wholeheartedly but I can’t help it, its just the way mind works.

Back on track again, I kept thinking of different ways in which I could become her boyfriend but, at the same time, I was extremely scared that one of my fantasies would come true. If in a parallel universe she dumps him and goes out with me, would I be good enough for her?

Would I ever be able to be a better boyfriend than her ex or would I be constantly in his shadow? Compared only by her and disappointing only her until she begins to regret the decision she made. These fears plagued my mind for quite some time.

Furthermore, as the days passed and I knew we would be done work soon, the butterflies began to get stronger; whenever my mind strayed to her, even if only for a brief moment, I would feel sick to my stomach. I vomited on more than one occasion and drove myself into the deepest depression I have ever been in just thinking of her one night which chained off into other depressing thoughts.

Work had ended by this time so, finally I pulled myself together and told myself “The only way you’ll ever know for sure is if you ask her” and so I did. I went to the computer and wrote a short letter saying, very basically, I really like you and I hope you return the feelings that I have for you.

One day passed, I was frantic, worried that she would reject me and I’d never get to speak with her again. Two days and I was a nervous wreck, snappish at anyone who tried to talk with me and over-emotional. Three days and I was ready to collapse.

I got home in the evening of the third day and raced upstairs to check my computer: One new email. I had been fooled by this on the first day though so I my heart was only beating slightly faster than normal when I opened my inbox.

It was a reply: From her. Once again my heart skipped a beat; I should really get it checked out after all this. My hand trembled as I reached down and touched the mouse, preparing to open the email. Suddenly, calm swept over me. I felt as if I could handle anything she said.

My hand stopped trembling and my heart slowed to down considerably. I opened the email and read it once: my hand started to tremble again. Twice and my heart sped up once more; Three times, trying to drink in each and every word. I would have read it four times but the words became far too blurry to comprehend.

I rose jerkily from my chair and stumbled across my small room to fall into my bed; the pillow muffled my sob. I fell asleep and had extremely disconcerting dreams involving her that I cannot recall anymore. The only one I remember is her face staring at me, no expression, no smile, just a blank stare.

You may be asking yourself, “What did the letter say?” It was two paragraphs one stating that she had a boyfriend and she still likes him and she’d still like to spend time with me. The other stating we should get together with friends on Friday and do something. “Well that’s not so bad, at least she was nice about it” I’ve heard countless times from countless people.

My only answer to them is, “You can’t understand unless you’ve been there.”

That’s the end of my tale. Incase you were wondering she and I still and talk a lot online. I’m still extremely insecure, shy, and too nice for my own good. She’s still dating her boyfriend and I’m still in love with her but I’ve learned to handle the emotions much better.

We’ve been growing farther apart though, even if we talk more. She is my first and only crush, my first and only love. I sometimes wonder if I’ll ever find love. Foolish, I know, to be thinking that at the age of sixteen but I can’t help it. My first love became a friend who’s slowly growing farther apart from me and I still love her; sad isn’t it? 

Copyright 2007 Daron
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