|
|
|
CAVEAT EMPTOR (Gambia 1996) |
| Written by stephen west | |
| Wednesday, 10 September 2008 | |
Pipe-smoking Ouchly Batman sat back in his favourite chair, tamped down the tobacco in the enormous bowl of his favourite pipe, lit it, smiled a self-satisfied smile and called his new, favourite wife to his feet. "Woman" he announced pompously, "Next week I promise I will buy you some new dresses and jewellery.
"To what do we owe this good fortune Sir?" she enquired. (Ouchly Batman always insisted that his wives called him "Sir". He was, after all, a little man, and not very successful in life, although you would find that difficult to believe to hear him speak. And some little men do like to feel important,) "I have sold my uncle's house at Cape Mary" he told her, and he sat there so smugly while she digested this information. "But Sir," she eventually dared to say, "Your uncle's house at Cape Mary is perhaps not yours to sell." Ouchly Batman looked down at his wife who sat on the floor. (He insisted on that too because it made him feel bigger.) He patted her on the head and said, "Woman, you do not understand business matters. I am selling to a foreigner." Then he puffed on his pipe and sat in silence as if there was no further explanation necessary. The wife finally broke the silence. "You might be correct Sir", she said. "But please be kind enough to explain this business to me." Ouchly Batman sat up grandly, tapped out his pipe and in most avuncular manner he explained his plan. "Today" he told her," I met a foreigner who wants to buy a house in this country. I showed him my uncle's place in Cape Mary and we have shaken hands on a deal worth a third of a million. And he will pay a twenty per cent deposit next week." The wife thought for a moment and then said, "Sir, you cannot complete the sale. You cannot produce the papers to complete such a deal". "A mere detail," declared Ouchly with a dismissive wave of the hand, "A mere detail. When the deal is not completed the foreigner will walk away to cut his losses and put it down to experience..... They always do." The wife did not respond. After all, her husband was expert on such matters.
The foreigner had been travelling round Africa for 25 years on and off, but would be the first to admit that he still had plenty to learn. When he decided to settle here, he was delighted to have found a suitable property so quickly and had struck a deal immediately. He was not a stupid man and, although he knew the basic rules and laws regarding reallocation of property and registration of titles, he took the precaution, (unusual in land deals here,) of driving to the capital and eliciting the assistance of a famous lawyer called Irmah Dread. (Of Irmah it was said that she could successfully defend you against a murder charge even if the police had caught you standing over the corpse of your sworn enemy with the smoking gun in your hand.) The foreigner lodged the twenty per cent deposit with his formidable advocate and requested that she draw up contracts for the sale and purchase of the house in Cape Mary. He declared that he would deliver the balance as soon as Ouchly Batman delivered the correct paperwork.
Six days later, and Ouchly was furious. His wife sat in her lowly position (to make him look bigger), and enquired of him the reason for his foul mood. Having heard that Irmah Dread was involved, and that the foreigner had not paid the deposit directly, the wife suggested that Ouchly might drop this scheme right now, as it was obviously not going to work. But Ouchly Batman was not someone who would take advice from a mere woman. "I will visit Ms. Dread tomorrow," he told her. "And the cash will be ours by evening.
The next afternoon the foreigner made his way to the office of his trusted but intimidating attorney carrying the balance of the house purchase in a hold-all. He was angry when he discovered that the paperwork had not yet arrived, and perturbed to hear that Ouchly Batman had actually called by to ask Irmah Death for the deposit that very morning. However, he was impressed, and relieved, that her integrity had precluded any handover of cash, and he listened while she intimated certain suspicions. He hurried round to the man's office where he discovered that Ouchly was in conference with a client. (Dear reader, did I not inform you that Ouchly Batman purported to be a lawyer. He displayed upon the wall of his office a certificate from the University of Port Whorecourt.) The foreigner walked into the office as soon as the other man left, refused the chair that was offered and stood facing Ouchly across the desk. "You have no money in your hands," he said, "Because I do not have the appropriate papers in mine. And I no longer believe that you can deliver those papers in a lifetime." Ouchly Batman quivered and sank deeper into his chair spluttering and muttering, trying to fashion a half-reasonable answer. The foreigner continued. "You are a rapscallion. A reprobate of the lowest order with the morality of a stinking blowfly. This country should be ashamed of you and your kind. You should be horsewhipped." And he did not stop there. "I will tell you this for nothing, you swine. I could probably buy and sell you twice over, and I have no mercy for foolish amateur con- men. You could not recognise a good deal if it hit you on the head, and as far as business ethics are concerned.....I doubt you can even spell it." "If I never see you again, it will be too soon. In fact, please cross to the other side the road if you see me coming. Goodbye Sir!"
That afternoon Ouchly Batman walked quietly home through the streets of the capital determined never to let anybody know what he had tried to do, how he had been found out, or what the foreigner had said to him. He walked through his front door and was greeted by his excited wife. Before he had time to object she embraced him, asked him about his meeting with Ms. Dread and, without waiting for an answer, led him into the parlour. His heart sank. Every chair was draped with a new dress and the table was covered in jewellery. "I told Ali that you were completing a big deal today" she said, "So he let me choose some new clothes, so did Shamir and then Bojang let me choose some new jewels and so did Sillah. Oh yes," She said, waving her left wrist at him, "And Njie let me take this watch." Ouchly Batman was speechless as his wife continued her chatter.
"They all trust you to call by to pay them tomorrow morning" Copyright 2008 stephen west |
|
| Last Updated ( Sunday, 14 September 2008 ) |
| < Prev | Next > |
|---|
via Email