Posted by darrinbouley
2008-08-28 19:55:13
Well do it then!
 
Katlin,
I hear your pain in this one. The heart is a delicate organ that can be left in pieces when the feelings go unrequited. Sorry for your emotional turmoil. Hope you have moved on. There 's plenty of fish out there that will nurture your heart and not stomp on it!
+ Report this comment |  |
Posted by harmattan
2008-08-28 20:11:52
Move on
Excellent turns of phrase and intimations of pain, but I am still not sure what happened.
Maybe a death, or a suicide...
Maybe s/he ran off with your boyfriend....or girlfriend...
Maybe s/he ran away with someone you do not approve of....
You know exactly, and I do not.
This is not the best place to leave your reader.
Just two more lines would crown it.
Kind regards
Harmattan
+ Report this comment |  |
Posted by ams
2008-08-28 21:00:43
....
the story behind the poem itself was quite good and interesting. i personally thought that the flow of the poem needed to be worked on a bit, but that could just be me.
it might help the poem if you adjust the formatting a little bit. I's need to be capitalized, some lines are smaller than others, theres a ton of white space in between lines. but you dont have to limit yourself to standard formatting if you dont want to. i mess around with the formats on some of my poems going with watever seems right and is visually appealing.
overall, i thought that you did a nice job on this poem. keep on writing!
+ Report this comment |  |
Posted by lemon
2008-08-28 21:24:56
....
Very well done with the emotional aspect. Its always hard when people in our lives whether friends or significant others, leave us behind.
I'd run a spell check just to get those few pesky words spelled wrong out of the beautiful poem. =]
+ Report this comment |  |
Posted by Tarhead Mugwump
2008-08-29 10:31:48
just wanna
this reminds me of both of my daughters (one still growing up) and the friendships they bounced around in...
girls tend to invest more in a relationship emotionally, and somehow always manage to blow through about a hundred thousand "best friends" before finding somebody they can trust.
boys tend to be so much different - pick one, and stick with one, come hell or high water.
well done, write on!
+ Report this comment |  |
Posted by Hodders
2008-08-29 12:05:59
....
At first I wasn't sue about this poem, then I began to enjoy it's strange layout and flow. I like how it can be interpreted in different ways, for me I can see it from the perspective of a child. Good job!
+ Report this comment |  |
Posted by resistanceisfreedom
2008-08-29 19:35:54
....
the raw emotion in this was hard to ignore....but as for the poem itself....i just didn't care for it....in my opinion, it was a very weak poem...but maybe i don't have a heart, i don't know.
but before i go, i had to point out that your picture fit extremely well with the piece. so good job on the pic.
+ Report this comment |  |
Posted by rtvols344
2008-08-31 17:42:08
....
See aren't you happy I made you get one of these!! Well all I have to say is WELL DONE!!! It's beautifully described and well written! I could feel your pain and that's what helps the most in a poem...leaving the reader with the emotion that was written with it.
your best friend,
rmt
+ Report this comment |  |
via Email