The Adventures Of Pugswallow, Chapter 1

Pugswallow sat in a mud puddle popping bubbles and...

Elijah

The distant door closed shut behind him with a click....

Trying to Concentrate on Freedom


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Written by hannah   
Tuesday, 26 August 2008
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Thunder is heard over the horizon. Footsteps left on the road beside us. The end is coming, we all knew that. My mother cries for forgiveness, for her children to be safe. I try to look up but I see nothing there. A man with a gun hits my mother in the face. Says to rot in hell. I rush to my mother, trying to help her get up. I cry, I cry for everyone to see dying. I pray to God to help my mother stay alive. But that seems impossible now.

Screams, yells surround me, keeping me from escaping into my fantasy. A man points a gun at us and tells us to move. My mother shows no pain though I can see her trying to show it.We were moved onto a train to a place where they said we would be safe. My mother didn't believe it. My mother told my brother and me that if they had given us food for the trip we would be fine then it wouldn't sound fake. But they didn't.

6 long days traveling, I hope for clean air, for freedom. But my mother's bruised face told me otherwise. The cold air gave me chills, made me remember the past. My father dying to protect us. The guns firing, the destruction of stores. The man who started it all, showing no sympathy towards us. My life ruined because of him.

The train stopped at a fenced in area. My mother grabs our hands and follows everyone. Soldiers push men and women into different directions. They told my brother to leave us. To go in another direction. My mother screams my brother's name "Ralph. Ralph", but he was already gone.

They shaved our heads, told us to take off our clothes for a nice warm shower. I can feel my mother shake with fear. We stand in a room, no lights, the door closed behind us. The showers turn on I fall to the ground listening to people scream, people dying........

 



Copyright 2008 hannah
Keyword: WWII fear
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Comments (10)
Posted by Zombie Punk
2008-08-26 10:22:09
Trying to Concentrate on Freedom

At first I thought this something post-apocolyptic but as the tale progressed I realized it was about world war two. A pretty good account on a Jewish family beign sent to a concentration camp. It might have been better as a short story but who am i to judge? I thought you handled this very maturely and it was written with a ton of skill.

Cheers!
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Posted by harmattan
2008-08-26 10:47:55
Concentration

Hannah,

Inspired by Schindler's Ark or similar?

You have a vivid imagination, and empathy for the persecuted that I admire, and a variety of writing styles that stuns me.

I am really enjoying your work.

Bring it!

Kind regards

Harmattan
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Posted by nick711
2008-08-26 10:52:47
....

A haunting portrait of World War II. Very well done.

At first I thought it was like, the apocalypse. But to those who were persecuted by the Nazi's, it basically was.

Great work.
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Posted by Behind_the_Mask
2008-08-26 10:58:46
111001101

I thought it was something completely different than it actually came out to be.

It was well written, better than I could have wrote it at least.

It immersed the reader smoothly into and out of the story.

Left me a bit sad.
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Posted by alfred
2008-08-26 11:26:57
....

Oh my God,,that was you guys...... Ok, you put the child in the pic to get the awwwww vote. It worked. I will never understand how we allowed that to happen. ok poem I guess.
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Posted by b.k.
2008-08-26 19:01:43
....

amazing account of the horrors people faced in world war II...though for some reason it seemed to read more like a short story for me ...then again, that's most likely just me
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Posted by darrinbouley
2008-08-26 21:48:26
Respect...

A lot was said in this short piece. Pain flies out of it. Tragedy flies out of it. Sorrow flies out of it. Horror flies out of it. Inhumanity flies out of it. Powerful, powerful stuff. This was a delicate subject to tackle, but you did it very respectfully and effectively. Well done, Hannah.
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Posted by Terry Collett
2008-08-29 10:52:46
....

A short vivid account of what i think is an episode of the holocaust. Well composed and lucid. Enjoyed if that is the right term here.
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Posted by Something Indecent
2008-09-04 16:43:06
....

I liked how you knew it what was happening almost right away with this. I also like how you never say Nazis or anything in particular. You just let the piece speak for itself. Which it does. Very strongly.
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Posted by HelentheCelt
2008-09-05 12:17:08
....

Despite its brevity the story succeeds in building up suspense as it progresses. The image inspired by the phrase "my mother cries for freedom" is harrowing- more so as it is accessible by everyone who has been the child of a woman.

The casual reference to violence provides the impression that this is nothing so out of the ordinary.

Congratulations!
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Last Updated ( Friday, 24 October 2008 )
 
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