Posted by Amatayo
2008-08-25 21:36:24
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I don't know how much help I could be for I really don't know the format for a haiku.
huh
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Posted by Ashutosh
2008-08-25 21:47:46
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Well, it's an attempt atleast. It does give some practical information. And ofcourse the description is accurate.
But what is it that you're trying to convey? It seems like a 3 line essay on Lemon written by a kid.
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Posted by FleetHepburn
2008-08-25 21:59:52
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It’s far too sour,
So she smiles and tells me;
'Put down the lemon'
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Posted by lemon
2008-08-25 22:36:04
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ok i rewrote it.. now how about it?
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Posted by FleetHepburn
2008-08-25 22:56:26
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I do like the line "complicated fuit." My impression of the haiku is that the reader is supposed to leave with an image...kind of something to linger on after the poem is over
Complicated fruit
Can be sweet, can be sour
lingers on my tongue
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Posted by Ashutosh
2008-08-25 22:59:15
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Hmm...Better than Bad but not as Good as Good.
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Posted by lemon
2008-08-25 23:03:50
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thanks for the comments everybody. I think i'll leave the haikus for those who know what they are doing. :)
i'll stick to people dying and stuff like my other stories lol
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Posted by Ashutosh
2008-08-25 23:09:51
Lemon
I just wrote a poem on this. And I don't usually write poems. I hope you don't mind my sharing this.
Better than Bad, but not as Good as Good
Were her attempts, which she attempted sevaral times.
The attempt did not take fruit,
nor the fruit for which the attempt was made,
could create a picture in my head.
Write on!
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Posted by Dirkin
2008-08-25 23:10:30
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I know there are meant to be certain criteria for a haiku, such as theyre meant to be about nature, that they are supposed to be descriptive of an image, and philosophical with certain syllables etc. But I dont see why this like any other format cant be explored or experimented with. So dont give up, I thought it was interesting in that I never really considered how much a lemon was the odd one in the fruit family, not traditionally tasty but varied in use.
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Posted by d.dasgupta
2008-08-26 01:26:01
Lovely
Of course, I am no expert on the subject. But I thought this was a lovely haiku. We needn't discuss the technology. The count is correct.
About the subject. It is dramatic, it brings up a contrast. Haikus are not necessarily about beauty, at least the ones I have read are of different types. Unexpected contrasts are also very common.
Consider this by Isaa:
Even among the insects, in this world,
Some are good at singing,
Some bad.
(Note that this is a translation. The translator didn't give much importance to the syllable count. And I have read haikus, truly good ones, which did not pay attention to the count. But I do think it is good to stick to the count.)
Another one, by Naojo:
To pluck it is a pity,
To leave it is a pity,
Ah, this violet!
I feel your haiku comes pretty close to the second of the ones I have quoted. In fact, I consider it a wonderfully good haiku. I am amazed that this is your first one.
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Posted by Terry Collett
2008-08-26 02:05:24
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It fulfils what a haiku is supposed to do in the short, limited format that it is. The connection between the lemon, the mouth is heaven if sweetened, in itself(unsweetened) it is sour. complicated fruit? Maybe not, maybe a matter of taste.
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Posted by harmattan
2008-08-26 03:09:51
lemon
haikus aint easy
is they
and everyone has
their say
my effort weren't one
at all
wait for japanese
to call.
It could be ten years
or more
they think haikus worth
waiting for
O'm not so sure.
Kind regards
Harmattan
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Posted by Zombie Punk
2008-08-26 03:38:20
Lemon: a Haiku
sombody once told me to write a haiku, and i told them to go to hell. haikus are bloody hard, Amie, and you gave an awesome shot at it. and it's actually really good in my eyes. i got a picture of a lemon in my head, BUT i think you get rid of the picturem because that played a huge role with this haiku. let the readers decide what they see, because if they see the picture beforehand they're already going to have an image in their mind before they even start to read.
Cheers!
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Posted by antheerr
2008-08-26 07:23:00
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Wow. I'm impressed. I couldn't do a haiku that actually made sense. Very well done!
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Posted by allmine
2008-08-26 07:33:54
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I commend you for actually taking a stab at such an obtuse art form. You conveyed how lemons are different, sour yet sweet. I actually know jack squat about haikus except for they're supposed to be 14 (?) syllables. Right? Anywho....it was brave of you to try, and I liked it
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