Posted by r.e.potter
2008-08-24 20:37:57
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This was good. The 2nd stanza reminded me of the wizard of oz. but good overall poem of physological disorder
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Posted by Dirkin
2008-08-24 20:45:08
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I think I appreciate the theme here, but I cant help thinking you have limited the poem by choosing words that rhyme and writing the poem to fit them. "And hopefully these thoughts away from me will stream" seems like a poorly constructed line to me
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Posted by darrinbouley
2008-08-24 20:59:31
Head for the light!
Indeed, despair is a fine knitter of darkness. While this poem does evoke strong emotion in the reader, I have to side with Dirkin on the forced rhyming. If some of the awkward lines were tweaked, then you may have something really worthwhile here.
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Posted by ams
2008-08-24 20:59:33
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the story behind this poem was good. the only thing that bothered me was there seemed to be the word 'so' thrown in there a lot and it kind of cluttered the poem. for example the second line would flow better if it was "The ones that force me into these wrong choices."
other than that, i thought that the poem was quite good.
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Posted by Amatayo
2008-08-24 21:03:15
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I understand where your coming from
Dirkin but I think the only problem is that the closing lines where to short. Which made the rhyming scheme very obvious.
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Posted by nick711
2008-08-25 16:59:45
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I have to agree with Dirkin on this one.
Its tough to keep a rhyme scheme going, thats why I write free-verse.
I chose to read it because it was written by you, and I know how much talent you have.
I am not disappointed.
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Posted by Terry Collett
2008-08-26 02:17:04
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Melonchony poem, but well written. the words chosen conveyed well the inner sense of the poem. Good.
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