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The weather was mild and the sun had just set. At a modest green house a few minutes out of town two teenage boys rest upon on a couch inside a basement that would induce images of a thrift store shopping spree. The squatter of the two leaned forward and jabbed a knife into the orange skin of a small pumpkin, finalizing the visage with a crude toothy grin. The street lamp outside the basement had just flickered on, casting a gentle white glow through the curtains. The stairs thudded a little before the basement door had swung open. A tall, brown haired girl entered the room sporting a colorful, patch decorated bag slung to the side. She readjusted her knit hat impulsively before taking a seat.
“Hey Clem, so while we were waiting for you Alex over here decided to carve a stupid pumpkin.”
“I would think that’d be kind of strange if your parents didn’t own an organic pumpkin patch. Those your dad’s competition carving knives eh?” she asked.
“Haha, no tell us that gay fairytale your dad always tells about pumpkins coming alive and causing fiery disasters if you ridicule them too much! Haha, look at that ugly mess, you call that a pumpkin? More like pile of ****.”
“Wow guys, come on now, you are truly hurting my feelings. I think it looks beautiful,” said Jordan compassionately as he lit a candle, placing it in the hollowed cavity. Eli, a lanky blonde haired boy, leaned forward to inspect it.
“I think it looks like a fire hazard” Eli concluded. The small pumpkin sat upon the table almost retardedly while the gentle flame illuminated the face it had been graced with. Its expression was indescribable, almost as if it was mocking everyone in the room. Then the pumpkin winked, but nobody saw it.
“Hey, do you have any Tums, otherwise I think I am going to **** my pants...” the tall girl exclaimed rather bluntly.
“Uh...Yeah.............You can check the cabinet over there,” he mumbled awkwardly. The second she got up she bumped the table, causing the pumpkin to roll off the table, dumping wax and fire onto a furry feline below.
“Arrrgggggg!!” the mystical Pumpkin bellowed.
“Meeeeeeooooww!!” cried the cat.
“Dude, did that pumpkin just bellow?”
“****!” she screamed. In a sudden burst of flames the cat was ablaze, meowling and jumping wildly from under the table near a spare gas canister.
“I knew I should have put that away when I was done weedwacking!” yelled Jordan. Like a small meteor, the flaming critter ignited even more profusely and chaotically. The girl ran to the cabinet and started stuffing her face with Tums. Soon the flames were licking the curtains and furniture around them as the cat hopped around the room, almost strategically, lighting every flammable thing in the room on fire.
“Ahh!...I **** my pants! The tums didn't work! It was the heat...It’s upsetting my bowels!” she shrieked while letting out a bubbly fart. The methane contained in the fart sparked, lighting Eli’s pretty blonde hair on fire. The raging **** storm continued until the fire department arrived, announcing the occupants all dead (and poopy) at the scene. They blamed pot for the fire.
So kids, that’s why you don’t make fun of other peoples’ ugly pumpkins.
The end.
Copyright 2008 Johnny L
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