Invasion©- chapter 1

The morning sun had begun its rise in the far...

A Ticket to Tewkesbury

A Ticket to Tewkesbury by Philip Neale, writing as...

The Necromancer


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Written by Gregg   
Wednesday, 20 August 2008
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                Zardo stared at the strange man in front of him. The most striking thing about him was that he was incredibly clean.  His skin and hair were almost shiny from cleanliness, his clothes were bright and unfaded, and his teeth were pure white, as if they had not seen a day of use in the man's life. 

                The man, clearly becoming uncomfortable, faked a smile and asked, "Can I help you, sir?" He spoke the people's language with a thick and horrible accent which sounded much like his native tongue, dull and monotonous.

                "I need to know," Zardo responded slowly, "what is the source of your magic?  I have seen what your people can do.  Everyone in the village has.  You came here in great metal wagons which move on their own accord.  You can start a fire instantly with a small object.  Even your tents are made with a material magically treated to be incredibly light but strong.  This blatant display of power might impress most in the village, but not me.  I am a priest.  I am familiar with magic.  Throughout my lifetime I have healed the sick, made crops grow and joined many souls in marriage.  I am the hub around which this village revolves.  My magic is that of Amu, lord of the skies.  My mission is to keep his favor, and to serve his will and the will of my people.  I have told you the source of my magic.  Why won't you tell me yours?  Ever since your people arrived you have been cryptic.  You refuse to give a straight answer.  Where does your magic come from?  What god do you have favor with?"

                 "It's not actually magic, you see.  Everything we use is the result of technology.  Everything we use that might seem magical was invented by someone.  Someone figured out how to make all these things out of pure ingenuity.  An example of technology in your community is a bow.  It can be used to kill an animal from a great distance.  Someone who had never seen a bow before might think this to be the result of magic, but it is nothing more than the clever use of wood and string.  Our fire starters and automobiles are nothing more than that, the clever use of good materials."

                "Do not take me for a fool.  As a priest I recognize magic when I see it, especially when it is as powerful as yours.   You surely understand why I mistrust you so much.  As you know, magic with an unknown source is a dangerous thing.  For all I know you and your people could be practitioners of black magic, necromancy, or demonic possession.  This concerns me, especially since a member of my village-one for whom I am spiritually responsible-is in your care."

The farmer named Napu had been attacked by a bear the previous day and was found in his field, badly injured and bleeding profusely.  The strangers offered to take care of him and no one objected except for Zardo.

                "I can see there is some misunderstanding between us, but I can assure you we are not making any attempt at deception.  Our technology is made entirely without magic.  In time we can teach you how it is made.  Once a school is built here that information can become available to every child who comes of age."

                Zardo's heart burned with anger at the perpetuation of this lie.  He ignored this last comment, and asked, "May I visit Napu so I can see what you have done to him?"

                "We normally prefer to limit the number of visitors when someone is in such critical condition as he is, but since you are his spiritual leader, we can make an exception."

                The man led Zardo across the encampment to a large tent.  Upon entering the tent, Zardo was horrified.  Napu lay in a bed with his eyes shut.  There were gashes on the side of his face and his arms that were sewn shut.  An object with long tubes protruding from it covered his nose and mouth, and a transparent bag of blood was suspended over him.  A tube was attached to the bag and inserted into Napu's arm, allowing the foreign blood to enter his body.   An enormously tall man wearing a long white coat stood by Napu's bed. He was examining a thin sheet of a stiff material imprinted with the ethereal image of a glowing skeleton.

                "In the name of Amu!" Zardo shrieked, "You have led me into the lair of a necromancer!"

                "Sir, please..." the tall man began.

                "Silence!" Zardo unsheathed his dagger from his belt, "You have no business meddling in the most unholy of magics!  That man was meant to stay dead!  You tore his soul from the gods' grasp on his moment of death and reanimated him.  For this you will never be forgiven!  As a priest of Amu my soul will unite with the lord of the skies that he may come down and invoke his wrath upon you!"

                Both the strangers screamed as Zardo plunged his dagger into his own heart.



Copyright 2008 Gregg
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Comments (17)
Posted by r.e.potter
2008-08-20 11:50:36
good

This was really good but it ended to quickly for Zardo. This should have been made longer with Zardo following the strangers around learning who they were,,,cause we have no clue as the reader. It appears they are time travelers, or space travelers...but one can't be sure.

I thought it was written really well how Zardo approach them, but again,,it just came to a quick ending with questions still unanswered.
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Posted by Behind_the_Mask
2008-08-20 12:25:50
...

It was a decent story I believe it ended too soon, but it was straight and to the point and ended where in reality it would have ended.

You were descriptive enough to give the necessary details and at the same time you didn’t drown the reader in details.

It’s a good look at how some indigenous peoples of far off places (not that many now) may look at what we think is common practice.

Good work.
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Posted by Behind_the_Mask
2008-08-20 12:25:55
...

It was a decent story I believe it ended too soon, but it was straight and to the point and ended where in reality it would have ended.

You were descriptive enough to give the necessary details and at the same time you didn’t drown the reader in details.

It’s a good look at how some indigenous peoples of far off places (not that many now) may look at what we think is common practice.

Good work.
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Posted by DeltronZero
2008-08-20 13:04:33
Could have been better

It was pretty good, but it did end rather quickly, and didn't really leave us with many answers. There wasn't much background to any of the characters, and you could have described the area they were in more. Keep writing!
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Posted by harmattan
2008-08-20 13:16:06
NECROMANCERS

In this genre, "intrusion to 3rd world by (so-called) developers" it is traditional to use very formal language, something to do with projecting the nobility of savagery I think. Been with us since Paul Robeson starred in "Sanders of the River"!

You made a very good stab at it. But "One for whom I am responsible" would be correct.

This story is only science fiction for the aborigine.

Put the soul into the saline drip. Make the title plural.

It is a very intelligent story about ignorance and degrees of control (on both sides).

It begs some more work. It will be worth it.

Kind regards

Harmattan
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Posted by resistanceisfreedom
2008-08-20 16:20:57
....

it was written well....but it just read boring for me. and i did feel like it ended too abruptly.
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Posted by lemon
2008-08-20 16:33:50
....

It was interesting, but I think it should be expanded upon some more.. don't be afraid to have the chapters be a little longer than this.

The content was good though. =]
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Posted by villanova21
2008-08-20 18:07:20
Interesting

I thought it was an interesting storyline and appreciated your descript writing style.

Fine work my Friend!
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Posted by Kanarf
2008-08-20 19:51:06
update

I have just posted a better draft of this story. Thanks to everyone who gave feedback. The ending might still be abrupt, but I think it is much improved. I kept the title “The Necromancer” (singular), but made a change in the story to make this titile fit because I thought the singular form made a more powerful title.
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Posted by d.dasgupta
2008-08-21 01:03:23
Second version

I didn't get the chance to read the first version. However, I read Harmattan's comment and think 'plural' would still be better. At the level of idea, this is a very intelligent story indeed. If we went back a few centuries, your necromancer could have faced the inqusition, instead the priest giving up his ghost. Liked the story and its message. I have no views on the length.
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Posted by Andy6
2008-08-21 03:17:49
....

Although the characters felt rather one dimensional, i still thought this was a decent effort, you have indeed stumbled over an episode that could and should be developed. Oh, and i like abrupt endings! Nice one
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Posted by philneale1952
2008-08-21 03:42:07
Assumption

Assuming that I have just read the amended version, I cannot of course comment on the previous one.

I thought this was a decent story, but agree that there could have been an expansion on the plot to put a little more flesh on to it.

That said, I did enjoy it.

Phil
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Posted by Yasac
2008-08-22 13:11:24
....

Interesting, it would be nice if it could be a little longer, maybe go into some of the other elements of technology in this light. But then again it did get straight to the point, point being that dagger
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Posted by Behind_the_Mask
2008-08-22 13:33:25
...

I didn’t really like this version it seemed to over explain everything sure a bit of details would have been nice but, I think the previous version is fine.

This one gave away almost everything that the ending of the last one gave away.
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Posted by thickblueline
2008-09-09 21:15:23
...

I liked it, but I feel that you could have done more with it. The prospect of first contact with a tribe or other civilization is one that has been written about for decades. But there is always more to tell. I just felt like the ending was rushed
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