It Doesn't Take Much, Chapter 1

Great. Just GREAT. The check engine light has...

Under Pressure

Vianne stood outside and stared at the flat tire on...

Darkening, Chapter 1


This story may contain adult content.
User Rating: / 12
PoorBest 
Written by Jessie Masoner   
Tuesday, 19 August 2008
Image 

Darkening, Chapter 1 

Author: Jessie Masoner

 

 

Authors note: Please read chapter 0 before this, otherwise you will be lost, even so you just as well will be lost with chapter 0 being read, so I'd say look at the other peoples comments.

 

"I'VE GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE!" I scream as I rip the IV out of my arm and try to stand. I don't know how long I've been out but all I know is that he will return for me. As I hear peoples voices telling me to calm down I see a man in a nurses outfit edge towards me, I pick up my lunch tray and smash him over the head. He is out like a light. As I stumble through the room dressing myself I feel him watching me waiting to see what I am going to do.

 

The entire room is blurry I can feel their medication wearing off, as my eyes start to focus I notice shadows lining up on the edge of the door way. I quickly look out the window and see what floor I am on, about 3 floors up, but there is a roof top 1 floor down directly beneath me. As the commotion outside increases I rip the sheets off the bed and tie one end around the orderly's neck and move him to the window, I pick up a chair that is in one corner of the room and block the door with it, I pick another chair up and throw it through the window.

 

A rush of air fills the room as it settles I hear pounding at the door and people shouting for me to open the door. I throw the other end of the sheets out of the window and as I start to climb out the door is kicked open. As I slide down I see him looking down at me.

 

I loose my grip and I plummet the rest of the way down, as I hit the gravel covered roof I feel as if I had just been hit by a bus, but the medication they used on me is working to my advantage and it quickly numbs the pain. As I get up and begin to walk away I look back and I see him standing on the window ledge staring at me, taunting me as I pick up my pace he begins to climb down.

 

As I reach a service ladder, leading straight down to the floor, I hear him land on the gravel, I don't turn back this time, and I know that if he catches me he will kill me. I begin to climb down the ladder as I hear his footsteps getting quicker, I take a risk and slide down the rest of the way. As I hit the bottom I tumble backwards and loose sense of where I am.

 

As I come to I see him looking down at me with that killer look in his eyes I scramble to my feet, he shouts something at me, everything I hear is blurred together I can't understand anything I begin to limp away as I hear his feet hitting each step, the medication begins to wear off, he is coming quicker now.

 

I am finally in the open and I see my reflection in a mirror, I am worse off than I thought, blood is dripping down my face and my arms are bleeding. I look closer at myself to see if anything else is wrong but no time he is there behind me. I notice that a man ahead of me has a pocketknife in his right pocket; he accidentally flashed it when he put his phone away, and I speed up.

 

As I come nearer to the man with the knife the medication all but wears off, and I bump into the man quickly taking his knife while falling onto the ground he helps me up and makes sure I'm fine and I thank him and I am on my way again, up ahead I see an alley as he is getting closer I make my decision to fight him and I turn down the alley.

 

As I wait for him to show up in the alley I feel someone breathing down my neck and I hear his voice, "Waiting for someone?"

 

The world goes black again. Fading in and out I see that he has brought me into a building I am sitting in a chair he is holding the man's knife. "The Police are on the way." He states with no emotion in his voice. "Your time is up now." I exclaim, as the world fades in and out he walks closer and looks me in the eyes, "Now why would they be after me? You were the one who killed that orderly. You were the one who stole from that man and followed him to his house and killed him with his own knife. Very naughty if you ask me."

 

"I didn't do anything like that." I shout at him

 

"Oh yes you did, your so smart but you cant even figure out what has happened?" as the sirens begin to get closer he smiles, "Unfortunately for you, they know what you are and they know how to deal with you. You have two choices you can a. run like you always do. Or B. make a stand what will you do?"

 

After that my head sinks to my chest the last thing I see is a pool of blood and I hear him telling me that it will be all right. The world grows cold as I hear the door burst open and then nothing.

Copyright 2008 Jessie Masoner
Keyword: Darker
No Comments posted
Comments (15)
Posted by philneale1952
2008-08-19 13:17:57
Pacey

Great action and chase, full of tension and looking back over the shoulder.

Are you going to contunue this one further? I think there's a lot of room to do so.

Excellent start if you do.
+ Report this comment

Posted by Behind_the_Mask
2008-08-19 13:37:24
...

That is the plan, i'm going to work on my WoW chapter 4, and then i believe i'll work on this and a book, it all depends.
+ Report this comment
Posted by darrinbouley
2008-08-19 17:27:40
I'm seeing blurry here...

Jessie,

There certainly are some strongpoints in this story. It moves nicely and immediately draws in the reader. Two fixes for you. Next to last paragraph... you're so smart but you can't... What left me blurry was the point of the story. Who was his chaser? And does he just die at the end? I like to leave a tale with some level of understanding. Didn't happen for me with this one.
+ Report this comment

Posted by lemon
2008-08-19 17:39:12
....

I think this was a good beginning for a longer story because like darrinbouley, I am left with a lot of questions. I'll be waiting for the next installment =]
+ Report this comment
Posted by Behind_the_Mask
2008-08-19 18:38:48
@Darrin!or who ever

Its a spiritual sequel to my story Darkening.
+ Report this comment
Posted by villanova21
2008-08-20 17:37:06
Dark

Whats with the picture? You asked that about my story and I didn't understand it. was I suppose to put a picture about the story up in your opinion?

Anyway thanks for your perusal and your story was promising.
+ Report this comment

Posted by Zombie Punk
2008-08-20 22:18:55
Darkening, Chapter 1

First off, that is one badass picture. What is it from?

Um ... there were a lot of typos (i.e a couple times you used 'loose' instead of 'lose', etc ...). I think maybe this would be better if you had shorter sentences, some of them were really long and kind of took away the greatness of the chapter.

Another suggestion, and it's only a suggestion, mind you, is maybe have chapter 0 in the beginning of this instead of as a seperate chapter. it's so short it'd fit perfectly in the beginning in like italics or something.

Okay ... sorry about that.

But for the good stuff, this was an action-packed, eye bulging thriller. I'm wondering if this mysterious 'chaser' is the main character's split personality maybe? All will be unfolded in the preceding chapters i guess, though. Great chapter, looking forward for more!

Cheers,

Max
+ Report this comment

Posted by Behind_the_Mask
2008-08-21 08:40:14
Yeah!

Thanks for the comments, the picture relates to the main character. Whoever you believe that to be.

Everyone is entitled to his or her own opinion, and I urge you to voice it.

You’ll find out more in each chapter as I reveal bit by bit about who the main character is.
+ Report this comment

Posted by JonStalk
2008-08-22 21:23:45
....

As fast paced as an action thriller! I could feel my heart thumping as I read. I don't fully understand what is really going on, but I have a feeling it's supposed to be that way. Definitely waiting for the next installment!!
+ Report this comment
Posted by Something Indecent
2008-08-23 23:41:37
....

I agree with Max about trying to use shorter sentences. Some of them can run on for a little long. I liked how action packed this was though. It never got slow.

P.S. Using the guys neck to scale down the hospital was great. I'm still visualizing it.
+ Report this comment

Posted by wcromart03
2008-08-24 23:28:38
Alsome

This story is alsome. I'm so into the way you wrote this. It kept me at the edge my seat to the end. I really cant wait for next chapter. All in all this is my kind of story.
+ Report this comment
Posted by Behind_the_Mask
2008-08-27 13:06:14
...

Thank you for reading the story.

And thank you for your comments.

I have started the next chapter is should be finished within the next few days.
+ Report this comment

Posted by Cyraus Foldger
2008-08-29 21:10:38
....

Even better than 0. I loved the suspense as the narrator tries to escape the killer. I cannot wait for the next chapter. Great job, keep it up!
+ Report this comment
Posted by allmine
2008-09-15 14:18:12
....

Dammit where's the rest of it. You can't leave it there. Is the narrator safe now, or back in trouble or what? Is this where I have to start chanting...more more more more....
+ Report this comment
Posted by Behind_the_Mask
2008-11-12 22:12:24
yeah

as with other stories of mine i'm working on this right now, hopefully i'll have this worked on and finished as soon as possible.

thanks to everyone for reading this.
+ Report this comment

Last Updated ( Wednesday, 20 August 2008 )
 
< Prev   Next >

Remove Ads