The Adventures Of Pugswallow, Chapter 1

Pugswallow sat in a mud puddle popping bubbles and...

Population:200, Chapter 2

Another creature had joined the first at the door now....

Postcard


This story may contain adult content.
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Written by Maybe   
Monday, 18 August 2008

As she waited on rain soaked cement, deep in the trenches of Soho, hidden beneath a neon eclipse, her hair was wild and matted. It stood on end like naked branches deprived of their leaves during winter, a silhouette like an old man’s withered fingers stretched out, reaching for a full moon. A few strands were running down the side of her pale face and lying delicately around her black 60s style sun glasses. I watched as she delicately pursed a cigarette between her lips, lit it, and then with all the grace of a princess, adjusted her second hand laced white dress in a windows reflection. The stars and moon were just beginning to come alive behind her; they merged with the sickly neon to create a thick halo. She looked like a fabulously disheveled angel; either too precious or too demented for this world, but probably both.

The shoes on her feet were meant for ballerinas, they were meant to be on the delicate young feet of a child who’s being lavished with love and adoration by her family. On her, you could see the unfinished red nail polish, and the varicose veins running like rivers through her laddered tights. She had all the airs and graces of boiling water in a wine glass, she held herself like a strung out Cinderella, and glided like a nun on the game.

She began to slowly walk up to me, dancing majestically with the double Decker busses and black taxis rushing by, the red and blacks and sallow headlamps swallowing her hips and dancing in synch with the horns, screaming voices cackled and the light patter of the rain was always there. All of London’s fumes and gas’s rised up behind her slender pale shoulders and danced through the neon signs, heading for Venus and the stars, whilst dragging the gods from their hiding spaces.

She pulled on her *** and her cheekbones shot out like knives through her young plaster skin. She couldn’t have been older than 25, but she moved like she'd been around since the Beginning. No one else seemed to notice her madcap beauty; they all took a step to the left and tried to discreetly look, in shock more than in awe I would assume. Mothers would shield their children under their coats and tell them to keep walking; young men would laugh, abuse and mock, then go do whatever it is young men do in London on a Saturday. But under my thread bear blanket, on this cold wet floor, and through these drunken eyes, I could see it.



Copyright 2008 Maybe
Keyword: special brew
No Comments posted
Comments (21)
Posted by philneale1952
2008-08-18 12:04:08
Stark

Brutal tale told from the point of view, I assume, of one of society's dregs sleeping rough.

When you're at the bottom everything and everyone is 'up'.

Your portrayal of her apparent beauty in his eyes comes out in stark relief, as reality sees her as nothing more than a prostitute on drugs.

This was a gripping piece of flash fiction which was slightly spoiled by your lack of attention to spelling.

I am not one of the sites "grammar nazis" as they are amusingly called, but a quick spellcheck would have removed 95% of them.

Nevertheless it was an impressive piece of insight.

Phil
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Posted by Tarhead Mugwump
2008-08-18 12:18:04
eyes of the beholder

i'm a big fan of snapshots, and i liked this one. i liked phil's thought about being on the bottom and everyone else is up...

i'd like to add that while for the most part one can think that true, there are also many that can see the true light of others - even from above.

write on!
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Posted by resistanceisfreedom
2008-08-18 18:40:03
....

this has to be one of the best written pieces i have ever read on this site. i really enjoyed it and had to read it again to fully digest it. thanks for the read!
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Posted by b.k.
2008-08-18 21:25:05
....

cleverly written, and the metaphors were great. this story shows that beauty truly is in the eyes of the beholder.
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Posted by Andy6
2008-08-19 03:11:52
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I really appreciated the imagery, really tight and well written. Full of empathy, there was no fat at all, a perfect little window. I just posted my first story on this site and would love it if you could give me your verdict. Cheers, i'll look up your work again!
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Posted by Ashutosh
2008-08-19 04:00:33
....

I liked the way it began. There was a certain sense of style in the way it was written. I always like that.

Simple story and very descriptive in its own way. I did notice some typos though.
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Posted by lemon
2008-08-19 09:11:56
....

There were some errors there, but I still thought this was great. The way you described the girl was beautiful. she was obviously messed up, but rather than focus on the way she looked, you focused on the way she seemed INSIDE. Wonderful story.
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Posted by harmattan
2008-08-19 13:47:51
post card

Change light to lit in the first para.

And I am not typo-police either.

From where the writer sat, and in that writer's situation, nearly everybody would be superior. Very clever turns of phrase suddenly changed all that.

An object of pity finds someone to pity.

Well there is always someone worse off isn't there?

Good read. Excellent painting with words.

Two reads made it even better.

Kind regards

Harmattan
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Posted by d.dasgupta
2008-08-23 01:19:12
Postcard

I read it twice, some parts more than twice. The last sentence was brilliant of course and without it, the story, or the postcard if you will, wouldn't have been there. I looked through the comments and felt that I agreed completely with Phil and Harmattan. There is absolutely nothing I could add to what they wrote. I like the title so much that I am still thinking about it. Does it refer to a snapshot picture postcard? Or, can I interpret it as a postcard from the guy under the threadbare blanket to the girl who strung out like a Cinderella and glided like a nun? In the first paragraph, 'adjust' should probably have been 'adjusted'. Also, 'varicous' in paragraph 2 should be 'varicose'. There are other typos too. As Phil says, a spell (and a grammar) check could be useful. I almost sound like the 'grammar nazi' Phil doesn't want to be. :(
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Posted by Something Indecent
2008-08-23 22:19:01
....

I don't need to tell you that you wrote this well. You know it, I know it, and so does every reader. It was a well delivered piece but I was crossing my fingers for a crazy stalker guy to show up at the end. Every story needs a crazy stalker guy. Keep on writing man. You're good.
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Posted by Helpless
2008-08-24 04:23:29
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The way this was written provided imagery that was fantactic. It was very sad. This is one of those pieces that will probably stick in my haed for the rest of the dead. Good work.
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Posted by nick711
2008-08-24 22:18:37
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This is an incredible portrait of a broken soul being looked upon by an outsiders point of view, an outsider who recognized the inner beauty in this person.

Truly an incredible and highly descriptive work, done with a great feel and style.

Good work!
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Posted by allmine
2008-08-25 09:14:58
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Wow, this is amazing. Such detail, such wording. I am truly speechless. This was fantastic. I was so upset that it was so short! I can't wait to read more by you
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Posted by ams
2008-08-25 09:39:57
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i definately agree with the others. this piece was wonderfully written, i loved the whole snapshot feeling of it. the descriptions were wonderful.
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Posted by hrosv
2008-08-25 10:29:55
In the moment

This story paints a really vivid picture, pardon the cliche, of exactly what you're trying to describe. One of my favourite types of short stories are snapshots like these, and your portrayal of the woman is wonderful. I enjoyed your story.
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