Posted by Zombie Punk
2008-08-17 05:16:42
Some Haiku's
 
The first one I a picture started climbing in my head but the last line threw it off for me, I'm not really sure what you meant.
The second one I see a seagull in a city hobbling on the sidewalk with people passing it.
The third one I liked the most. You painted a clear picture in my head. I'm not too sure exactly what a tree frog is but I'm guessing it isn't too big for a hawk to get at it. Really great job!
Cheers,
Max
+ Report this comment |  |
Posted by Dirkin
2008-08-17 05:26:31
....
Thanks max! I tried not to be too obvious or too vague, I can see I didn't quite succeed at either.
+ Report this comment |  |
Posted by d.dasgupta
2008-08-17 10:06:05
Very nice
First one. I imagined poachers. An elephant killed, lying dead in the long grass. It's tusks were gone. If I am correct, it would be nice to introduce a contrast. Someone got rich in the process. Can you bring him in?
Second one. I think I see a seagull on a beach. It's there because it was hurt for some reason and is trying to deal with hunger. It's normal preys are no longer within its reach. But it has to manipulate, probably close to the trash can, to appease its hunger.
Third one. This is the best no doubt. Picture vivid. A prey caught by a predator who in turn is a prey. Philosophically speaking, this is the deepest and the picture is totally clear. Besides, the contrast, which I think is one of the most important elements of a haiku, is sharp.
For a first attempt, I think you have done an excellent job.
+ Report this comment |  |
Posted by June Eclipsis
2008-08-17 13:31:09
...
This was a very enjoyable piece. Absolutely loved it and I found that it conveyed the right feelings into each one of them, and yet they all felt interconnected and together.
+ Report this comment |  |
Posted by Zombie Punk
2008-08-17 19:41:22
Hmm....these are better then I thought
You know, reading d.dasgupta's comment now I can totally see that poacher image. I really don't have the first idea about Haiku's. But as I read these again the pictures are brighter and clearer. This was a really great job.
Cheers,
Max
+ Report this comment | |
Posted by r.e.potter
2008-08-17 19:52:02
....
I just dont get this haiku craze thats sweeping our site. Not saying I hate it,,,just don't get it. But I am impress Dirken that you came up with these...they seem to fit the bill of the haiku....what ever that bill is.
If only I could get my daughter to try new things,,brocolli, lettuce, ect...
+ Report this comment |  |
Posted by Dirkin
2008-08-17 20:45:56
....
Thank you all for your comments. Actually in the second one I was attempting to capture how the lame or injured seagull manipulates us into throwing them the chip above all the other seagulls, from pity. Thanks again dasgupta, I see how contrast can make the haiku more poignant
+ Report this comment | |
Posted by darrinbouley
2008-08-17 21:57:58
Nice painting...
Mugen,
I must say, for a first attempt, this is outstanding imagery. Your opener about the elephant is the standout of the bunch. If this is the raw form of your haiku ability, I can't wait to see what some experience will bring. Keep going!
+ Report this comment |  |
Posted by June Eclipsis
2008-08-18 09:27:01
...
Reading this again. I still love it. Very peaceful and a simple beauty. Brings tranquility to my soul. Haiku is definitely brilliant in its ability to hit the core of nature.
+ Report this comment | |
Posted by harmattan
2008-08-18 17:38:56
haikus
I agree with virtually everybody.
And nobody.
Haiku is indeed brilliant when it is brilliant.
You would need about a thousand of them to make one book and there are never going to be a thousand brilliant haikus on this site.
The poached elephant is very good.
The chip in the gulls beak has to be a fry for the yanks and the tree frog/hawk verse is best of the three.
The Japanese are injected with patience when they are born. They can sit for ten years waiting for one haiku to come to them.
For us mere mortals they are good fun, but we do other things better I am sure, and quicker.
Kind regards
Harmattan
+ Report this comment |  |
Posted by b.k.
2008-08-18 21:11:16
....
i find myself reading haikus more and more, and these three were among the best. i must say the third was my favorite, it can take on many meanings (in my opinion). as far as the obvious/vague thing...i think you did a pretty good job. i could tell what you were specifically talking about, yet they could (again) take on a deeper meaning.
+ Report this comment |  |
Posted by Terry Collett
2008-08-20 06:02:38
....
Haikus can be handled poorly and relate nothing, but these three are interesting, providing in the limited space available good images, and stories,and done well.
+ Report this comment |  |
Posted by Ashutosh
2008-08-29 01:05:49
....
I'm very skeptical of these haikus. They can be handled pretty poorly and senselessly. Ofcourse, in three lines one can have great expression, but one gets to see it very rarely.
Mostly Haikus are obscures and every one draws his own image, even though the author might be conveying something else. Something being able to create a picture in one's head doesn't make that poetry.
I liked the first one. I think it was pretty clear and unambigous. The secodn one seemed a little odd to me. The third one was good.
+ Report this comment |  |
Posted by onyxdragon
2008-10-21 15:25:43
Haiku
Haiku is good stuff. I haven't written any in a long time. There was a space where I got on a kick of randomly inserting Haiku into my email correspondence to friends.
I've been thinking of taking up Haiku again, I really enjoy the form. It really challenges you, even if you're going for something simple.
I especially liked your first one.
+ Report this comment |  |
|
via Email