While You Were Sleeping

The sun sets and night begins. For some...

A Ticket to Tewkesbury

A Ticket to Tewkesbury by Philip Neale, writing as...

A Good Day for a Bad Mistake ©


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Written by r.e.potter   
Thursday, 14 August 2008
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                They who are of the opinion that money will do everything, may very                   

                                                  well be suspected to do everything for money.                 

                                                                        Benjamin Franklin

1989

Natchez Mississippi

            He sat in his small Ford Fiesta resting his hands on the steering wheel as he listened to the cassette recorder that lay across his lap, oblivious to the world around him. Inside, you could hear a pin drop had there been any pins to drop, but at the end of the wire leading into his ear was a completely different sounding world, wedged in his ear was a loud chaotic blast of rock-n-roll madness that was filling his head. But on this day however, he wasn't hearing any of the music that was blasting out from the ear piece, nor did he care too, his mind was elsewhere and with good reason. Today would either be the last day as he knew it; or the beginning of a life that he could only imagine.

 

           Coming out from his self induced trance; he removed the plug from his ear filling the vehicle with soft faint music before clicking the recorder off. Shifting his eyes up to the rearview he let out a deep breath, and while doing so, noticed a bead of sweat clinging to his sideburn; it was then that he knew he was having second thoughts about this whole thing. Wiping the bead away and reaching over; he unlocked the glove box and peered inside to its contents that lay before him, hoping to find the courage that he was beginning to lose... it was there, but then he knew it would be. In the past few weeks he would often gaze upon his newly found courage, mesmerized by its sheer power and beauty, a well crafted piece of raw metal that had the possibilities of changing everything for him as he knew it. As he sat there gazing at the shiny object, he knew that all his hopes and dreams laid at the end of its shiny barrel... his recently obtained Colt Cobra .38 Special.

 

          Three months ago, Devin Lloyd was a hard working man at the local energy plant in his home town in Natchez Mississippi. But now, out of work by a company he had given twenty two years of his life too, and a company who had provided a good life for three generations of his family, had laid him off. With no work offers ringing his phone; and hardly any money left in the bank account, he knew he needed a break, and he knew he needed it quick. The energy plant however had given him hopes in the past weeks of restoring his job by the end of the next fiscal year if a new merger went through, but that was next year, and this was now. With a mortgage over due and a new baby soon to arrive in a few weeks, he realized he would have to make his own breaks, or be broken. He had learned long ago that you can't hang your hopes and dreams on a maybe, and with his newly purchased weapon from the last bit of his savings... that maybe had now become a reality.  

 

         Stepping out from his vehicle and into the chilly air, he reached back behind the driver seat and grabbed a sweatshirt and threw it on. Also, he removed the baseball cap that sat on his head and switched it for a bigger floppier hat that would help in his disguise. Now, putting on his oversized wire rimmed sunglasses that he had bought for this one reason, he was ready to set the game in motion. Pulling out a handkerchief from his pocket, he wiped away the even more beads of sweat that were now forming on his forehead. He looked around at the unfamiliar surroundings that were stretched out before him; unfamiliar because he was a hundred miles from his home, but it was all with good reason he was, no one knew him here. Driving through the small town for the past two hours, he had finally decided on this one... he felt good about this one. It was perfect, small and out of the way, and right next to a ramp that led back out on to the highway. He put his handkerchief back in his pocket, reshuffled his sweatshirt and turned and focused his attention to the building.

 

           Walking over to its entrance, he looked at his reflection that was bouncing off the glass doors. Standing there staring at himself; he wondered how it had gotten to this point of desperation, not for the reason he was standing there; he knew that... but how. He had never broken any laws, nor did he ever once entertain the thought of doing so, but there he was; about to go through with it. Still staring at his reflection, he thought of his wife and his new baby that would soon arrive, he thought of the kind of life they would have without him if he were to get caught and placed behind bars, but then he thought what kind of life they would have with him, a man without a job, and a family who was out of luck and out of money. It was now or never. He took a deep breath; felt for the gun that was tucked under his sweatshirt for reassurance, opened the door and walked into the Lincoln County Federal Bank and Loan.

 

            Standing in the line behind the row of people, he noticed that his palms were now beginning to sweat, and a feeling was coming over him not to go through with this. After all, he wasn't a bad person, and he certainly wasn't raised this way by his preacher father. But then again, he had given all he had to the energy plant; and for what... to be bankrupt, to go hungry. He wasn't concerned however for himself, but he had a family to think of, and they deserved better. No, this was the only way. He reached under his shirt for the gun, and before he had time to rethink it through...it began.

 

             "This is a stick-up, everyone down on the floor with your hands on top of your heads!! As the chaotic madness unfolded, those in the front hit the floor as they were told, while some of the others towards the back darted out the entrance in a mad rush. No time to worry about them now; the robbery was in full motion, and the initial confusion that ensued after the first words of the robbery were spoken, had now settled quietly down, and with the weapon brandished, control was now in order.

"Everybody remain calm, don't do nothing foolish and you won't get hurt."

           Turning the attention to the teller, demands were now made and threats were given.

"Give me all the damn cash you have in the registers and all the cash you have anywhere else, now lets move it. Any funny business or sudden movements... and you die.

            Everything seemed to be going the way he had pictured it all in his mind. The teller was loading stacks of money inside the bags from all registers, and everyone was remaining calm and quiet on the floor. Everything seemed to be going as planned... until.

 

               "Freeze, drop the weapon and don't move from your spot, place your hands in the air."

             In all the excitement, he hadn't noticed the police officer who had entered the bank through the front door. With the weapon dropped and out of his hands; the game was over just as fast as it started, and as the police escorted him out in handcuffs... he thought to himself. He thought about his wife and how disappointed she would be in him. He thought about the unborn child who would never know what a good and honest man he really was, and he thought about a life thrown away behind bars from this one desperate act, and the one time beads of sweat... had now become tears. As he picked himself off the floor and dusted off, he thought of one last thing... How lucky he was that someone else hollered out first, and decided to rob the Lincoln County Federal Bank and Loan, before he did.

 

        R.E.Potter    



Copyright 2008 r.e.potter
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Comments (9)
Posted by Zombie Punk
2008-08-14 17:37:33
A Good Day for a Bad Mistake

Wow, Potter!

This was spectacular! This has to be a favorite. I loved the way you described the main character through little actions as the story progressed. I thought the quote was perfect, and was quite glad to read it for I've never heard of that quotation before. I really enjoyed this, and the awesome ending was very unexpecting. I thought you did a superb job with emotions and characterization (if that's a word). I really really loved this story. I wonder, though, have you ever published anything? I'd be very surprised if you said no. You're very talented. One typo I found though, was in the first line of dialogue you forgot the quotation marks at the end.

Keep 'em comin!

Cheers,

Max
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Posted by wcromart03
2008-08-15 05:50:14
Nice

That was nice and sweet. I really like that because I have a kid too. It made me think what would I do if I would have been in that situation. All in all that story was nice. Great and smart ending.
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Posted by allmine
2008-08-15 07:51:45
....

Yep...another favorite waiting to be rediscovered by a new group of readers. This is definitely one of your best stories. Very thought out, very well written.
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Posted by alfred
2008-08-15 09:42:43
decent

Ok, this was worthy. I think I read this before on here...I guess thats why it says repost(a duh)

This was way cool and great ending...and its not a haiku!!!
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Posted by Tarhead Mugwump
2008-08-15 10:19:35
the

art of writing backwards...

my favorite stories are the ones that never take you where you think you are going - and do it in the shortest amount of time.

i think that we are fortunate, russell, that you do not drive a taxi for a living.

write on!
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Posted by philneale1952
2008-08-18 06:30:28
Wot a Gotcha!

What the hell are you trying to do to me???

Talk about getting suckered in. Hands in the air pal, I got gotted!!

This was exceptional, and I can't for the life of me understand how I missed it.

Lunchtime nearly done and I stumble into the trap you set.

Brilliant, and I didn't even read the other reviews first!!

Going to now, though.

Phil
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Posted by antheerr
2008-08-22 12:34:44
Amazing

This is brilliant. You really set the scene all the way through with the masses of description - you let us into his head.

I loved the twist at the end. What a relief!
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Posted by Ashutosh
2008-08-26 06:33:05
....

First thing I liked about the story was the title.

Second thing was the length of it.

It seemed to me to contain a lot of unncessary details. Like he removed his cap and threw on the t-shirt, pulling out the handkerchief etc. It seemed to have been thrown in to just to add to the content. Details and descriptions can make a story more vibrant and alive but I think these are not those kind of details. Overall it seemed to me to be quite made-up and I didn't feel it. I didn't feel as if I was that man. I couldn't relate to it.

It is good and perfect in every way, in a manufactured way. A well written story and all that. But that's it.
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Posted by Ashutosh
2008-08-26 06:35:10
....

And the quote - it didn't seem to me to be related to the story at all.

It seemd to me to have art and structure but not the substance.

Ofcourse, this is my opinion. Other may and most certainly will, perceive it differently.
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Last Updated ( Monday, 13 October 2008 )
 
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