Wherever we are in the world, Patricia insists on turkey and all the trimmings on or about the 25th December, I am not the least bit interested in dry Turkey, wet sprouts and soggy mash. One of the reasons for this is that I come from a very traditional family. Turkey is something from America. Never appeared on our table at Christmas. I was brought up on goose, duck, pheasant and capon.

But towards the end of every year I do get a yearning for plum pudding and brandy sauce.

This particular Christmas we had chosen German-managed Senegambia Hotel where Chef (Smiler) Jonathan, no longer with us, now a motorcycle salesman in Australia, put on his usual good show and the service (and the price) was better than reasonable.

I just found one or two points rather disturbing.

The noise, the flames and the cordite smoke from the Christmas crackers was somewhat overwhelming. The dining area took on sensory aspects of 1980's Beirut or 1990's Bosnia

 Perhaps U.N. blue helmets should have been issued as party hats!

The inside of my cracker was another surprise. It is traditional to find a little slip of paper, a bon môt, a little joke or a witty saying from a sage gone by.

I found mine.

In the traditional manner of such occasion I read it out loud to the assembled company. The motto declared, "Speilzeug fur Kinder unter Drei Jahren nicht geeignet, da kleine Teile verschluckt oder inhaliert werden konnen".

Not a titter. No nod of agreement. No laugh, no giggle, no slow dawning of realisation of this wit and wisdom.

The response to this little ditty? Nothing! Nada! Zilch!

In this age of technology, fast travel, fast food, and blasé consumerism, are we all becoming too sophisticated to follow tradition and custom?

I can remember a time in my childhood when a cracker message read out loud caused guffaws of raucous laughter around any room. Even the most stoic and humourless of partygoers would raise a smile at the cracker-makers' Christmas message.

And if the joke was older than Methuselah's whiskers, heard a hundred times, or so puerile, silly or simple that the humour was minimal? So what? People still laughed as a matter of protocol and good manners.

This particular whimsy did not even amuse the Germans at a nearby table. So what chance have we mere mortals?

A near-enough translation:

Not recommended  for children under three years, small parts may be inhaled or swallowed.

Keyword: Christmas crackers jokes german.

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Comments (8)

Posted by philneale1952 2008-08-14 08:46:11 Old Farts The trouble with you and me, Stephen is that were old farts. WE find this kind of thing side-splittingly funny, but the blank stares of children and foreigners tell us otherwise. Not a bad thing to hanker after simpler times. Nostalgic read sir. Phil + Report this comment
Posted by r.e.potter 2008-08-14 15:12:59 interesting Not quite an old fart, Just celebrated my 28th (cough cough) birthday. I just love turkey, I eat it every chance I can. Your stories seem to be personal expieriences and if so, I appreciate you sharing them. Are those christmas craker messages sort of like Chinese fortune cookie? children under three should not pay attention to this comment. + Report this comment
Posted by Zombie Punk 2008-08-14 16:39:28 GERMAN CRACKERS Another excellent piece of flash fiction. I thought some was quite humorous and at the time pretty thought provoking. I really enjoyed this. Good job. Cheers, Max oh yeah, children under three should not pay attention to this comment, either. they might swallow it ... + Report this comment
Posted by chaabuk 2008-08-15 05:30:52 Wise crack I share your age-old wisdom. Even if there are 10 new foods, the old turkey will still rule the roost. No amount of junk fast food can take away its taste. Your musings are highly engrossing. Keep rolling. + Report this comment
Posted by JJtyler 2008-08-15 08:30:53 Good Flash Fiction I'm glad you put the translation at the bottom because my German is a little, er, non-existent. Down here, my family does Cajun turkey for the holidays. We spice you up right. Good luck and keep writing. + Report this comment
Posted by alfred 2008-08-15 09:58:40 .... I woundt trust anything the kroutz put out...let alone a cracker with a message...Hiya Hitler. Is this a story or a personal journal? Thought it was good for a read. + Report this comment
Posted by Tarhead Mugwump 2008-08-15 10:29:56 old farts? i read that and thought - well about fifty different things at the same time... dissipated gas? universal entities, by nature? i also wondered as i read through the comments - how many? write on! + Report this comment
Posted by d.dasgupta 2008-08-17 01:31:11 ? Phil's observation carried much wisdom. Not meant for foreigners. Only, I am not sure who's the foreigner? :) In today's globalized world, one can't be exactly sure. No nostalgia for me, needless to say. However, the expression 'old farts' was amusing. Perhaps even more amusing than the UN helmet part. I think A Eulogy to 'old farts' is due. Will soon be out with it! Nice read. The post itself as well as the comments. + Report this comment

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