Posted by Brian W Callaghan
2008-08-13 07:57:33
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I really liked this. I was tempted to say that the title didn't fit, but i changed my mind. i love the line, "And all your omnipotent gods will some day name me a sin." Nice.
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Posted by June Eclipsis
2008-08-13 08:40:41
Very Deep
I thought it was very deep indeed. Absolutely well done!
Though I have one word of advice, you could work on the flow. Each line seems a little too long and draggy. If you could cut these lines into smaller pieces and work on placing them in positions that would make them more dramatic, that would be nice.
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Posted by allmine
2008-08-13 08:44:52
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I have to agree...first off, what exactly are we talking about here. I kinda got the impression that you were treated wrongly by a lover. The title doesn't really fit (even though it is an awesome title!) work on stanzaing it out and I think it'll work better!
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Posted by allmine
2008-08-13 08:45:33
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You know..now that I think about it..maybe the title does go...
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Posted by shagufta
2008-08-13 09:25:45
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This is absolutely dark. The allusions and imagery is so intense that I have already read it twice to understand its deep meaning. You must be a deep thinker. Once in a while, I like morbid thinking. It will end with this poem.
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Posted by chaabuk
2008-08-13 12:43:35
Wow!
Wow. wow. wow. After, religion, God, etc etc, I am finally commenting on Satan himself. What good luck it is mine today. The deapths of your heart are filled with love but it is not finding that right lover to respond.
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Posted by chaabuk
2008-08-13 12:45:45
DEVIL
So, if the God of love will not answer you. Satan himself will walk to you and find an answer to your misery. This dichotomy impresses me. These is sizzling carnal desires but that is to be expected.
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Posted by darrinbouley
2008-08-13 14:18:29
The Devil is a Liar!
Cuzi... Well, this is a dark piece indeed. And it seems as though it may have been the inspiration of painful experience? Whatever the case, I did find pleasure in taking it for a ride (4 times to be exact). There are some lines that stir intense emotion and intrigue. While the profanity does work here, be careful with it in going forward. It has a way of acting like yeast through the entirety of the work. But that's just my take... Keep writing. You have a lot to say and many to touch.
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Posted by Tarhead Mugwump
2008-08-13 18:54:18
needamap
i don't know. i read the work, i read the comments, i read the work, i read the comments - i need a map...
it seems to me as though the lines are coming from different directions and not necessarily connected. although i find that there are areas that shine in pairings, i can't find the glue to connect everything - which, truly, doesn't mean a whole lot as it is established that i am poetry challenged...
write on!
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Posted by resistanceisfreedom
2008-08-13 21:12:46
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i thought this flowed well and i didn't feel like any of the lines were dragged out. they all seemed to work. it was an interesting read for sure.
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Posted by Codi_Del_Rossi
2008-08-14 18:23:34
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I really liked the word choice of this poem, but I'm not quiet sure what it's about. and I have to agree, some of the lines felt like they went on a little too long.
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Posted by Something Indecent
2008-08-16 23:42:26
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I didn't find anything wrong with the lines length. But then again I'm not poetry buff either. I liked this one though. I really liked the line about taking the whole tree. Very nice. And of course, awesome title.
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Posted by Pilgrim
2008-09-12 13:47:01
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This was okay.
You had good word usage that made the poem flow well.
You were able to get your point across without a lot of length.
Good job.
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