Posted by Zombie Punk
2008-08-12 02:49:11
The Predator 2 -- A Haiku
I really don't know too much about Haikus, but this painted a picture in my head. I'm not sure what kind of fish a kingfisher is but I pictured something like a salmon trapped in some kind of monsterous long necked ugle bird with a abnormal sized beak. Each side of its body furiously flipping, struggling to be knocked out of this bird's beak and to land back into the smooth current. This Haiku certainly made me think, that's for sure. I think your did a really great job chosing your words and making this as short as you can, but enough to tell a whole story. You are a very talented writer.
Keep well,
Max
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Posted by d.dasgupta
2008-08-12 05:07:34
To Zombie Punk
A kingfisher is a small bird. It is brilliantly colourful and there are different varieties. You can see one here: http://klules.110mb.com/OrientalDwarfKingfisher(TH)[1].jpg
The kingfisher normally subsists on small fish and insects. This picture shows how it catches its prey and flies skywards. Both my Predator haikus were inspired by this picture. You can see that the fish it's holding in its beak is pretty small. http://klules.110mb.com/kingfisher_with_fish.jpg
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Posted by Zombie Punk
2008-08-12 05:13:00
Picture
Oh my, that kingfisher with fish picture is just beautiful. Thank you for sharing that!
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Posted by Ashutosh
2008-08-12 10:59:58
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The trouble or the advantage with a Haiku is that it leaves much to the imagination and the reader may interpret it acciording to his conditioning and so on- which may be good or bad.
So, what I think is important for a writer of Haiku's is the not only convey a clear and poignant thought, rather a perception- which is kind of instantaneous, a fleeting second, through his verse but more so ensure that what he intends to convey is received by the reader as close to his own perception. I think there lies the key to a good Haiku. Just my view.
For instance, this haiku:
From all directions
Winds bring petals of cherry
Into the grebe lake.
However, this is a translation from Japanese. But still, quite clear. For Japanese haikus, since they are translated into another language, it may not do justice to its orignal clarity. However, a person writing in english and knowing the form of a haiku, this difficulty can be surpassed.
I feel this haiku is somewhat unclear.
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Posted by resistanceisfreedom
2008-08-12 18:16:11
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unclear???? no, not at all. i think this was just as illustrative as your first one. although i think i still like the first one the best. but good job, again.
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Posted by chaabuk
2008-08-12 21:23:29
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I guess, you are far too deep into Haikus to come up with one better than the previous. Although the meaning reamins the same, this one has improvised on the earlier one.
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Posted by harmattan
2008-08-13 10:38:34
predator.
I wish you had continued.
Four or five more stanzas, in the same style, with the beak crushing the fish, or the bird dropping the fish back in the water, could have been interesting......... a story rather than a single image.
But I'm not Japanese, so what would I know?
Harmattan
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Posted by Ashutosh
2008-08-13 10:43:31
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Adding to my previous comments on this one and the the other haiku, I do think they're pretty good and do create an image in the mind successfully.
However, an improvisation would be better.
The first one, I felt, had great words, catchy, and would resound in one's memory for quite sometime.
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Posted by Eternal_Bliss440
2008-08-15 09:14:34
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Personlally liked the first one better because with your chocie of words its provides a vivd pictrue. This one seems like you sort of lost that graphic picture. I feel like this was made to make people happy and I don't know if you like it or not. But the first one is one of my favorites
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Posted by Dirkin
2008-08-17 04:35:55
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I'm not sure I see much difference between this and the first, maybe I'm not looking hard enough
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Posted by Pilgrim
2008-09-07 14:07:55
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Though this might give a better picture of what's going on, I enjoyed the first one much better. I don't know what it is, I like having to use my mind so vauge is sometimes good.
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Posted by nick711
2008-09-23 17:27:12
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this one sounds more straightforward but to me it seems very rigid.
the first one flowed much better but i guess there were some errors that needed to be remedied.
-best regards,
nick
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Posted by Amatayo
2008-10-01 00:07:24
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bliss is the mind of the one who understands seven words.
haha
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