Posted by Zombie Punk
2008-08-11 00:44:58
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I honestly have no words on how to express myself with this Poem.
I'm sorry
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Posted by philneale1952
2008-08-11 05:14:59
Kingfisher
Needs more than this to express an idea. You need to tell the reader what it is that you are portraying.
We can't be mind readers.
Phil
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Posted by d.dasgupta
2008-08-11 08:06:49
To Phil
This is exactly the sort of comment that helps one to improve. It's tough, but one must accept one's shortcomings.
Thanks a lot.
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Posted by June Eclipsis
2008-08-11 08:19:31
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I'm sorry, but I'll have to disagree with Phil. Having had contact with the Japanese culture (my mom's japanese), I can tell this is exactly how a haiku should be written and it actually expresses quite well through that culture.
In the Japanese culture, the more vague you are, the better. Being straight forward isn't a virtue there. It's really different from here.
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Posted by d.dasgupta
2008-08-11 08:36:02
Thank you June
I too have been exposed to Japanese culture over a reasonable period of time. I learnt to read and write the language and that brings one very close to the culture. To me, a haiku is quite often not a story at all. It could simply be a painting with words. For example: Reflected// In the eye of the dragon-fly//The distant hills. This haiku by Isaa is one of the best I have read. There is no story in it. Just a quintessentially Japanese way of expressing beauty. I was trying to follow this tradition and adding to it the syllable rule too. The translation of Isaa of course does not pay attention to syllables. But I think English language haiku writers do give the syllable count some importance.
Having said this, I must also point out that Phil was not entirely wrong in his criticism. For a typical Western author, a haiku could look like an enigma of sorts. I really wish I could find a way to communicate better. There is no point writing if I don't communicate!
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Posted by Dirkin
2008-08-11 09:07:12
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I found this very interesting. I dont know the rules to a haiku, I think id like to learn more
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Posted by allmine
2008-08-11 12:43:41
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A haiku about a fish. Hmm, interesting, different. Good job, keep up the good work
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Posted by resistanceisfreedom
2008-08-11 21:02:23
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well if you wanted this to paint a picture in the readers head...it did its job because it painted one in mine. thought it was very good.
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Posted by d.dasgupta
2008-08-11 21:36:29
To resistanceisfreedom
You have hit the nail on the head. That was precisely the purpose. Drawing a picture with words. More precisely, I was trying to distil out a moment from the path of a bullet in motion! :) There is little here that one can call a story. However, I was probably connecting to the VERY short story 'Kingfisher and Other Stories' too. In a way, I was trying to add another dimension to the tragedy the story portrayed. The fish, as allmine has observed.
Cheers.
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Posted by d.dasgupta
2008-08-11 21:45:55
To allmine -- regarding the fish
I was probably connecting to my earlier VERY short story 'Kingfisher and Other Stories'. In a way, I was trying to add another dimension to the tragedy the story portrayed. The fish, as you have not missed out. This haiku is more about the fish than the kingfisher. The earlier story was about the kingfisher and, by extension, about the cruelty inflicted on young widows in Hindu society. Things are changing of course. But there's still a long way to go.
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Posted by Ashutosh
2008-08-11 22:20:25
Good theme
I like the idea you're trying to capture here.
I've read a few haikus, especially those by Basho and some other piecees. I understand that a Haiku is meant to communicate a scene or a picture in very few words and leaving the rest to silence and imagination.
However, though the composition came to close it, I still feel something was missing. Also, it seemed to me somewhat awkward.
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Posted by Codi_Del_Rossi
2008-08-12 09:46:31
Good
I thought this was really good. Like most Haiku's that I've read and liked, the words are vague, giving the reader just enough detail to paint the picture for themselves. I really liked it. Good job.
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Posted by chaabuk
2008-08-12 21:24:50
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You should have written on lady fisher for that would have been a first of its kind. But as a Haiku there is much meaning in so less a words. Keep it up.
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Posted by harmattan
2008-08-13 10:50:53
Pred 1
Nothing wrong with painting a picture with words
One beef.
I think ricochetedis pronounced as rick o shade which is three syllables.
Sorry.
Harmattan
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Posted by Eternal_Bliss440
2008-08-14 18:42:21
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I don't think you need anymore and honestly I don't remeber the haiku rules but I really got an image of a fish being capture ( if that is right) and it was short nad sweet. A perfect example of a haiku
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