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Another creature had joined the first at the door now....

The morning sun had begun its rise in the far...

Written by Jag Blane

Monday, 04 August 2008

Coming out into the night air blood full of alcohol and other toxins, laughing and joking, none realise how short their time could be.

Arm in arm two stagger away from the protection of the herd, leaving the bright lights that announce drink, drugs and loud music.

Wandering into the darkness neither see the shadow that is not cast by light, flitting along behind them waiting and watching.

Then as they turn taking a fatal short through the empty graveyard mist rolls in around them.

What was insubstantial starts to become solid.

A black cloud of rage and hunger envelopes the two who only now start to aware of the possibilities of what lives in the night.

Red eyes stare unblinking, fangs of white bite and claws attached to pallid hands slash.

All surrounded by the cloud of blackness that like oil and water refuses to blend with the white mist.

In all too short a time two bodies are spread on the ground surrounded by the impenetrable blackness whilst the rage subsides and the hunger is sated.

Then as the mist rolls back the scene returns to normal, no trace of what has occurred is left, only that one of the graveyards eternal sleepers has two guests, permanently.

Keyword: vampire fangs rage

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Comments (10)

Posted by Hodders 2008-08-04 10:57:56 .... Very unique story here, it's different to anything else I've read on here. The only problem I had with it was that it was too short and I think there are a few grammar mistakes (although I'm not the best at grammar so correct me if I'm wrong). I did like the descriptions, some of them were superb and despite some of the stories problems it kept me reading until the end. Good job! Keep writing! + Report this comment
Posted by chaabuk 2008-08-04 11:59:43 Refreshing Reads like a vampire story. Alas, the two are claimed by the night bird. But that is to be expected. The message is clear - do not venture out in the night. Sad but unusual ending. + Report this comment
Posted by Zombie Punk 2008-08-04 12:10:42 .... You had a couple simple errors that everyone makes once in awhile so no biggie, but you might want to reread this. I just really didn't care for this story. It was written well, i really liiked the line about the black cloud of rage and hunger envelopes them but ... I don't know, I just didn't like the story. I kind of thought it was boring. Sorry. Keep On Writing! + Report this comment
Posted by eternalsunshine 2008-08-04 15:26:04 .... This is was interesting in its vagueness, and I liked how the title relates to the story in an unusual way. However, there are many issues with the grammar, which I think take away from the story. What stands out the most to me is the last line, "Then as the mist rolls back the scene returns to normal, no trace of what has occurred is left, only that one of the graveyards eternal sleepers has to guests, permanently." has two guests? or has to guess? + Report this comment
Posted by jagblane 2008-08-04 17:12:05 .... thanks for the feed back(no pun intended) I have sorted a few errors out but if you see any still left do say. I'm dyslexic so I can read things many times and not see even the most simple mistakes! Fool boy that I am! + Report this comment
Posted by Tarhead Mugwump 2008-08-04 20:24:37 well, it must be reverse day for me. i liked it for it simpleness. i knew what the story was about - as there are a million such stories floating about. i appreciate not being dragged through the mud to kill two people. quick efficient setting quick clear imagery quick end an entire movie in ten sentences. i'm a happy camper. write on! + Report this comment
Posted by garyowen 2008-08-05 03:16:18 .... My kind of humour. I liked tis a lot. the idea of the mist transported the plot nicely + Report this comment
Posted by harmattan 2008-08-05 07:59:37 super Last night I watched Warner Bros horrendous mastication of "Queen of the Dead", the third part of the L'estat vampire trilogy. It was dreadful. Your very short story had me, for a few seconds, on the edge of my seat, you got to me. Well done. Whether the bit about dislexia is true or not, one thing I know that I am sure many other contributors will validate. Iam my own worst proofreader because I know what is there, and what should be there because I put it there. You MUST get someone else to scan before you submit. Now write on, your imagination deserves it. Kind regards Harmattan + Report this comment
Posted by The 13th 2008-08-05 16:10:59 .... I actually kinda liked it. While I read it I heard Michael Jacksons Thriller playing in my head. For flash fiction I say "Well done" Now I'm gonna do a moonwalk. See ya. + Report this comment
Posted by villanova21 2008-08-19 20:35:22 Short The story was short but I think very well written as far as description of what was happening. I think you have a great imagination, keep it up I have a feeling you are going to be a fine writer. + Report this comment

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Last Updated ( Monday, 04 August 2008 )

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