Love is the
destination for many, and it is an admirable goal. Anyone can reach it however many do not. For some, it occupies their every living
moment, and rightfully so I suppose. To
attain and retain are the focus for most people, I’m glad I’ve found love. I hope I won’t have much trouble with
retention. Expression, however, is a
higher level of love I hope to master, or at least grasp in a respectable
manner. The best art is a product of
love. It takes many forms, good and
bad. This particular work would be one
of the bad ones. I apologize for
that. Maybe after a few thousand
thoughtful scribbles on love committed to paper I’ll have improved. Maybe.
Most don’t get that far though.
The numbers are probably comparable to being a sports star or famous
actor. One bajillionth of the
population. I can’t even write
honestly. My writing is way too
self-conscious to be close to good. I’m
so preoccupied with writing something that sounds good or consequential that my
words collapse under the weight of their own self-importance. Even now, writing that reflection, I’m
saturated in the vanity of self-deprecation.
I don’t know how to write for the sake of writing, and that’s one of the
main hurdles that face me in truthful and worthwhile expression.
Like an
experiment in observation, the subject can’t be studied without invading its
space and affecting its behavior.Physicists call it the “Uncertainty Principle”.The closer something is studied on the
subatomic level, the more it jiggles and wobbles and refuses to stay in its
natural state.Actually, there is no way
of knowing what exactly its natural state is, because observation is not
possible.It could be that the particles
are always in a state of constant motion, what physicists call the “quantum
foam”.Maybe emotional expression,
truth, is like quantum foam.The more
you try and analyze and dictate love’s characteristics, the more its slips from
your fingers and you find yourself creating an imposed structure of emotion on
something that can’t be physically quantified.The very act of expression misrepresents the thought you were trying to
convey.Because of this impossibility,
one reverts to descriptions of love and other emotions, already misrepresented
by others before you.
So, this being
the case, love (not as we know it but as we express it) is a series of gross
inaccuracies used to define the general feeling that each person shares in
humanity.Those capable of complex
emotional exposition (the one-bajillionth) are able to add insights into love
which are then co-opted into the universal reflection pool for lesser humans to
gaze into and pluck from in order to further misrepresent their own personal
expressions of love.At this point, I,
too, grasp at the words of greater men to describe the feelings I have for
Leslie.Its my hope that one day I will
be able to convey my feelings for her through my own words, untainted by the
men before me.
via Email