The walls were covered in dark sheet. The techno music was blaring in high speakers. The people were dancing like there's no tomorrow. Mostly of them were teenagers. Some were smoking , some were just chilling and drinking booze.

Bettina was feeling dizzy at that moment.She saw some couples kissing in one corner. Maybe some of them just happen to be drunk and doing the one night stand syndrome. She wants to go home but her friends were still enjoying the Saturday night. She couldn't dare to finish her Piñacolada.

She went to the wash room and decided to do some retouch. When she got there she saw some girls smoking dope. She didn't want to catch their attention so she decided to get out of the wash room as quickly as she could. She went back to the counter and order H2O. She drank the water and turn around to find her friends. She really wanted to go home. She wants to swim  in her bed and sleep until the sun rises. But her friends were no where insight. She  could barely see them in the big crowd. She said to herself that she will wait for one hour if they wont show up she would definitely go home.

Fifteen minutes...thirty...forty..forty five...

The crowd went wild! Everybody were running everywhere.Her eyes panicked. She wasn't able to move in her place. She didn't have a single clue of what's happening. Her eyes were skimming the people who's running in front of her hoping she could see her friends.She felt so dizzy. She can't still her thoughts. It keeps spinning and spinning. She was thinking maybe it's because of the cocktail. She stood up and grabbed the guy who was running in front her.

"hey! what's the fuss?"

"there's a fire!"

She slapped the guy in response. She didn't know why she did that. The guy was shocked yet he continue running to the exit door. She was startled and she wanted to faint.Her body felt so heavy. She can't carry it anymore. She tried to run but it seems like she's floating in a slow motion. She could see the people were crying and some of them were running hard to reach the exit. Her body felt warm...then hot...then she could feel that the fire was approaching at her back. She run and run but she could barely feel that she was running. Her legs were very heavy like she was running in water. She couldn't still her eyes. The place looks blurry and she could feel the fire at her back. She really felt hot and it seems like her dkin was burning. She still fought for her life and continue running until she couldn't figure to look at the way she's running and then all she could see was darkness.

The next thing Bettina knew was that she's in her room. She was lying in her bed. She stared at her ceiling and smile but she felt something wierd. What's wrong with her face. She touched it and it's somewhat covered with cloth...no it's bandages rolled into her face...she skimmed her memory...she couldn't remember a single thing. She wanted to stand up but ...she couldn't move her legs...she's starting to wonder.

Somebody open the door. She looked at the door way and found her mother bringing a tray with stainless steel basin and she was thinking maybe it's warm water inside it. She suddenly feel hot and itchy. Her mother looked at her with a saddy eyes. She was walking towards her. Her mother put the basin in the side table and starting to unviel the bandages in hr face. She's very tempted to ask her about what happened. She looked at her and she bow down her head.

"mum what happen?"

"do you really wanna know?"

"yes"

Her mother got a mirror and handed it to her. When she looked at it...she didn't know how to react...there's a butterfly in the stomach...she could hardly breathe. She couldn't believe and she was horrified!

****

I can't finish the story I don't know what to write next...SORRY...I'll repost it if there's going to be a continuation. Poverty of words..

Keyword: fire

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Comments (9)

Posted by JJtyler 2008-07-31 22:18:29 Hmm You gave a setting here, and one that you can definitely work with, however there is no story. Maybe that will come after a good night's sleep. But if not, then this is not quite a story. I WANT A STORY!!! + Report this comment
Posted by Helpless 2008-08-01 04:25:15 .... I found a good story line here. Makes me want the next part. Really good, definitely had myu attention. Two things. 1)You line, She really felt hot and it seems like her dkin was burning. I think it should be SKIN. No big deal, happens to all of us. 2)To be continued. If this is a series, you probably should have place that way and had it listed has chapter one. Otherwise I really liked it. I also liked how you ended it in mid-sentence, keeps the reader wanting more. + Report this comment
Posted by jcox21 2008-08-01 07:32:28 Has Potential You write rather well, but I notice your style never branches sentences out with commas, describing them more, giving us mental breaks and more detail; I recommend it, but keep in mind to stick with your own style, as every writer should. Your descriptions are pretty good; I never felt lost or that I did not know what was going on. I would liked to have seen more comparisons. I did see a few errors, tense-wise, here and there. I'd sure like to know where this story is going. Good work. + Report this comment
Posted by JJtyler 2008-08-01 08:11:01 .... I just wanted to say that my comment above was made when this story was only two paragraphs long. Now my words seem asinine. + Report this comment
Posted by eternalsunshine 2008-08-01 08:39:21 .... I thought the story was very interesting, and I liked the way in which you told it. However, the grammar in this is a mess - it makes me wonder, is English a second language for you? Anyway, once the grammar is cleaned up I could see this being a great story. Here's an example of what I mean (my comments in () ): She went to the wash room and decided to do some retouch(ing). When she got there she saw some girls smoking dope. She didn't want to catch their attention so she decided to get out of the wash room as quickly as she could. She went back to the counter and order(ed) (water). She drank (it) and turn(ed) around to find her friends(; s)he really wanted to go home. She want(ed) to swim in her bed and sleep until the sun (rose). But her friends were nowhere in( )sight. She could barely see them in the big crowd.(NOTE: nowhere in sight or barely see them? These are 2 different ideas.) + Report this comment
Posted by topsyturvywords 2008-08-01 14:12:56 .... yeah english is my second language.LOL.can't blame me if I'm not really good in writing..HEHE....just want to give it a try and I'm starting to be DUMB in english since I quit school and started working..I think that explains it...thanks for reading though...appreciate your time... + Report this comment
Posted by r.e.potter 2008-08-01 20:02:13 .... hmmmm, agree with JJ that there isnt a story here. Thought the subject was interesting and could make a neat story, but this piece needs a lil work....but I feel ya have it in ya. + Report this comment
Posted by ams 2008-08-01 20:35:55 .... i actually really liked this story. it reminded me of the Rhode Island night club fire. just a note, a lot of the sentences started out with the word she, so it made the flow of the story choppy. + Report this comment
Posted by Tarhead Mugwump 2008-08-01 20:38:16 oh bother... as winnie the pooh would say... it's evident that english is your second language, and kudos to you for taking the challenge and writing in english - it is not an easy language to master. when i read your material, i tend to step around the language barrier and go for the meat of the story. with time your writing will get smoother - i'm a patient guy... i see a story growing here so keep work'n on it! write on! + Report this comment

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