A Toothy Tale

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Pretty Fly for a Russian Guy

Hans Goober jogged the four and a half miles to the...

heaven won't let me in
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Written by amanda   
Tuesday, 22 July 2008
 

It still amazes me,

How one person can change history.

But I will never understand this life,

Because it's cut me with its knife.

 

Remember when you were here?

The guards walked in ordered pairs.

And the people would smile at me.

That was the way things use to be.

 

We couldn't believe that you were dead,

But an assassin blew out your head.

I died that day too.

I became cold and cruel without you.

 

My military carried out my orders,

And fear ruled within my borders.

The smile in my people's eyes,

Died with my lies.

 

I've lost all support,

Too many people I have hurt,

I've overheard the words they've said, 

They talk about how they want me dead. 

 

 

I write my last words in this cell,

But I know I created this hell.

Maybe we'll be able to reunite,

But heaven won't let me in when I die tonight. 



Copyright 2008 amanda
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Comments (12)
Posted by David Relic
2008-07-22 22:07:53
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Hallo Amanda. This was really good! I liked it a lot. I especially like the last part, about how the poem was written on the wall of the cell. Very cool. Keep it up!
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Posted by resistanceisfreedom
2008-07-22 22:22:48
....

i thought this was pretty good. here and there there were some mistakes that i got caught up in...but i liked how you said things and how things rhymed.
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Posted by Squall1
2008-07-22 22:40:46
....

I liked how you slowly brought in new information to the story, starting with a person who changes things, and ending with a person in prison. I was impressed by your storytelling
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Posted by chaabuk
2008-07-23 18:48:51
....

I like this. There is repentance for the mistakes made in the past. The protagonist realises her failures and still hopes to reunite with her partner. Human nature rightly depicted.
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Posted by eternalsunshine
2008-07-24 09:31:10
....

I liked

"I died that day too.

I became cold and cruel without you. "

However, it bothered me that you used head & dead to rhyme twice. If your poem is based on rhyme, you should vary them as much as possible.

Good story though, I liked the imagery of the person writing this all out in jail.
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Posted by Something Indecent
2008-07-24 15:17:04
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Agreed. The effect is heightened by having the words written on the wall of their cell. The last line was my favorite. It flowed real smooth. Very well done.
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Posted by ams
2008-07-24 15:21:31
....

thanks for the comments! eternalsunshine, i thought about your advice and agreed. i changed the lines around a little to help with the rhyme.
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Posted by Pilgrim
2008-07-24 15:27:33
....

"remember when you WERE here?" Enjoyed the last line. Glad the character is not confused about his afterlife. Better to be confident and wrong than living in fear your entire life.
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Posted by FemmeFreakShow
2008-07-26 01:40:15
....

Nice! Pretty Smooth and good relations between ideas
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Posted by Zombie Punk
2008-07-30 21:02:53
....

Damn, I don't know how I missed this one! this was awesome! I loved your choice of rhymes and the flow and how the words got smaller as the tale progressed. I bet you could make this longer though, just a little bit though. Too long and it'd get tiresom, you know? I say maybe four more stanzas maximum but it you could make this better I think. Maybe have more scenes of your main character as ruler and what not.

Kudos on a great/cool Poem!
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Posted by harmattan
2008-08-10 07:39:44
heaven

Where do poeple get their strange ideas from.

You said the message was written IN a cell, not ON a cell.

Does anyone imaging for one moment that the new order would have allowed the publication....?

In the words of Ian Drury,

"This has been smuggled out by a friend".

It is a subversive, underground confession cum clarion call, an admission of failure which still urges others to rally to a cause and overthrow the present tyrrany even if the writer does not live to see the day..

It is extremely good.

Kind regards

Harmattan.
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Posted by Tarhead Mugwump
2008-08-13 19:16:23
read

this one before and thought i had left a comment. so much for thinking. for some reason thinking works well for others...

this is another fine piece of reading! you probably know that already.

write on!
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Last Updated ( Thursday, 24 July 2008 )
 
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