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To Bleed, Chapter 7 |
| Written by Chelsea DeCarlo | |
| Monday, 21 July 2008 | |
 This was the first time in a long time that Katherine had spent this many days at home. She was always either at school or at a friend's house. She didn't like being home, it made her feel unwanted. She looked around at everyone else's families, and their parents came home everyday and actually talked to them. No one ever asked her how her day at school was, or yelled up the stairs to come down for dinner. She never had to fight with someone over the remote control or the last of the ice cream. No, she was alone. She had the entire house to herself. In a strange way, she liked it. She hadn't truly looked around her house lately, and when she did, she realized just how much Emily had done for her. Suddenly dinner wasn't covered in plastic wrap with reheating instructions, and her wardrobe was shrinking. She had been wearing T-shirts and sweat pants for the last few days, and pretty soon all she would have left would be the clothes she went out in. Post-its covered the contents of the refridgerator, with various dates and descriptions in her sister's curly handwriting. She was starving, and found something promising in a tupperware with the date of Emily's death on it. This was probably what Emily had for dinner that night, the last thing she ate. It turned out it wasn't so promising after all, because it had white fuzz at the corners. Gross. She ordered a pizza, and started throwing things out. She needed to go to the grocery store, but didn't know where her mother put the food money. The fridge was nearly empty now, and she needed money. She went into her mother's room, knowing all too well what would happen if she got caught, and found a new twenty dollar bill on her mother's nightstand. She took it and put it on the table by the front door, and waited for Joe. Joe was the pizza guy she had since she was little. He was really nice, and she was glad because he wouldn't hound her with questions or awkward glances inside. He had been through the post-death pizza delivery phase before. She was going to wait to pour herself a drink, but Joe wouldn't care. There was nothing wrong with letting alcohol relax you. She had seen her mother do it before. She needed a way to be stress free after her father died, before she went back to work. No, this was good, and now she could calm down. It didn't hurt in filling the void, either. Katherine heard a knock at the door, and figured it was her dinner, so she walked down the hall to the front door. It was Joe, as usual. He didn't say anything, just 'hello' and 'goodbye'. Joe was never a big talker. She swallowed her pizza without chewing, not realizing how hungry she was. She ate half of the medium pizza and put the rest in the refridgerator, for the morning. Cold leftover pizza was always Emily's favorite. Katherine had more important things to worry about, though, like how to do the laundry. She walked into the small downstairs laundry room, and to her relief, found more post-its. They detailed step by step how to wash clothes. Was Emily anticipating leaving her? It was like she had planned out everything for Katherine and made sure to leave instructions. She was grateful, nonetheless. She had all of her clothes washed and dried by 9 that night. She put them away, and found some of Emily's things in the pile, also. She was disappointed, Emily's scent would be washed out. She had to go into her room, which was really easy. For some reason Katherine was surprised at how it looked. Like it would have changed or something. She put the clothes in the closet and found Emily's perfume on the dresser. She couldn't help herself. She sprayed everything, even herself. It smelled so much better in there now, except the room was stale. She couldn't describe it, it was like it was left untouched for too long. She walked out, not bothering to close the door. Eventually the sweet scent would linger into the hallway, and Katherine wanted it to. Now she was at a loss for what to do, though. She walked quickly back into Emily's room, as if she were sneaking past someone, because she knew what she was about to do was truly wrong. She looked through the room until she found what she was looking for. A diary. Maybe it would tell her something about why she did it. She stumbled upon a passage from about a week before she passed away.
I don't know what to do. It's not simple anymore. It's taking more and more to shut it up. It won't even let me fully be after I cut anymore. I have to take medication that puts me to sleep. I'm afraid I know what it wants me to do, and I won't be able to stop it. I'm not ready to die, not like this. I was supposed to be happier, mom's gone and dad's gone, but Kath won't even look at me anymore. She barely comes home. i don't blame her, though, I haven't been there for her, and I really want to reach out, but I'm scared. What if they think I'm crazy? They could send me away if I tell them. I want to stay here, but I can't take it anymore. I'm close to my breaking point. I'm so scared it's going to take me down. I'm not strong enough.
Katherine was haunted by the words in front of her. She called her by her nickname, and she said she wanted to reach out. What was going on inside her head? Oh, she wished she could go back and help her. All she wanted was to hold her sister and tell her it was going to be okay. What was taking control? Why was she glad dad was gone? She didn't seem that way when he died. She put the diary down and picked up the one from the year their father passed away. She flipped through the pages until she found an answer that would haunt her forever.
Daddy told me he loved me this time. He also told me not to tell mom. It's going to be our little secret. I don't really like it. I wish mom was around to see what was happening, maybe she would make it stop. He makes me feel guilty, and I know he's taken something from me that I can never get back.
Oh, my God. Katherine was furious. Their father, the man who had pushed them on the swing and helped them pick out their dresses. She was betrayed, and worse yet, he was the reason Emily was gone. She felt sick, but didn't stop reading. As heart breaking as it was, she needed to know more. She found the passage Emily wrote the day before their father died.
I told mom. I couldn't keep it a secret anymore. I had to tell her. They're fighting now. I don't think I should have told. Whatever happens will be my fault. Why can't I keep my mouth shut? It would have been fine. I'm worried about Kath, too. Whatever happens will impact her, and it will be all my fault. Everything that happens will be my fault.
Now she remembered. That fight, the one that went to about four in the morning. It was horrible, and the next day she heard Emily scream. She went to the next page.
Dad killed himself. It's my fault. Mom's drinking, and Kath doesn't know how to deal properly. To tell the truth, part of me is glad. Now it will stop. I'm so angry though. Why me? Well, maybe things will get better now.
But they wouldn't get better. How had she been so blind? Surely she had to have heard something or seen something. How could their mother be so blind? She had started drinking, and stayed completely ignorant of Emily's feelings. A surge of emotions came to the surface and Katherine started to cry. Just then, she heard the front door open and her mother's heels hitting the tile. She was enraged. How could she let this happen? Katherine threw down the diary and ran to her mother's bedroom. Nancy was sitting on the bed, rubbing her feet. "How could you?" Katherine said through her tears. "What?" Nancy hadn't even seen her come in. "You let this happen! You ignored her!" Nancy was truly confused. "What are you talking about, Kath?" "Dad was a molester?" Katherine asked accusingly. "Sweetie, he told me he wasn't. I was his wife, it was my responsiblity to believe him," "It was your responsibilty to keep your kid from slitting her wrists because her father was a sick pervert! All you did was drink and let Emily deal with it on her own!" "Don't say that name!" Nancy matched Katherine's fury. "It shouldn't have been her! Dad didn't deserve her! You two were made for eachother. What else did he get away with? I mean he was cheating on you with his daughter! I wish it was YOU in the ground!" Katherine stormed out and locked herself in Emily's room. She didn't want to be alone. Nancy didn't even believe Emily. Katherine stayed the night in the room, and her mother came a few times to the door and knocked. First angrily, then with apology in her tone. No apology would make this right. All she wanted to do was have Emily back. She was ignorant before, and she left her to rot. It wasn't her fault, it was her parents' fault.
Copyright 2008 Chelsea DeCarlo |
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| Last Updated ( Tuesday, 22 July 2008 ) |
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