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While Breaking the Walls into PiecesThis story may contain adult content. |
| Written by Ceren Burcak | |
| Friday, 18 July 2008 | |
He straightened up and glanced at the emptiness-smelled desolate room. What is there in my mind? He let the silence sit on his mind which had been busy with "the ambivalence" of his soul since reigning of his consciousness in his life. "I am alone, all alone not desolate." he repeated again and again as always in his six year old sentience term that was a part of his twenty-two year old existence. He imagined the same unchangeablity: table, chair, a bed covered with figured blanket and a window which was like the windows were belonged to prisons... He was seeing his borders on the walls; in a stable concrete and in an evoluted abstract. If I can see my limits, then is there any value to live more than this? If I know that I cannot thrust through these rigid walls of mine, then it is so unnecessary to look at them all the time and not to be able to do something to break them into pieces, isn't it? He had shouted aloud as he could but rigid walls even hadn't heard any vibration on their tough surfaces. If I know all the details of this limited place and can realize the fatal situation and the final insanity which will overcome me in the end; then why not? Are escaping from a mind and smashing the walls of mind so terrifying that can keep me here with my arms prison my body like this?! He was mimicking his thoughts with his body; because of this reason he had done a sudden movement that could frighten himself, his own himself-ness. He paused and looked at the walls again, then blinked his eyes automatically and successively; closed his face with his hands and burst into laughter with sobs. How did it begin? What gave it a start? This responsibility was passing beyond him- this painful realization was standing outside the rigid walls; then how could it settle in deeps of his soul and produce a chaos there? When table, chair, bed and window had been the only meanings of his life, how could this scrutinizing life perch on his mind? When looking at the motifs on walls and not seeing the beyond of all had been good enough for him, now from where being able to see the atoms of walls but not to see what's there outside behind the last layer of wall come to his visit with the manners of an inspiration? He resembled this weird ability to a kittenish and saucy girl who couldn't be burdened with her improper behaviors due to her innocent-seemed and still developing character. She didn't feel guilty or something else; in fact she was thinking that she should be hosted as a princess in this home. She was an important personality and must be an honor to host her for a person. Maybe because of her self-centered and egoistic character and the fact that the home she visited, abruptly reflected to itself and its owner these strange specialties of her character; the society had looked at her and the ones she influenced, so mercilessly, so in cold blood for centuries. Because of this reason, the ones that had fallen in love with her or been drawn to her not always with desire but obligation, were so badly injured by the society. This unknown girl didn't consider the capitals of the masses; even she was seemed not to know masses because it was so against her nature. She always approached the ones who were baked on their own loneliness and showed them only her special belongings; the shining-stoned necklace that was found at deep hollows of dark oceans... Now she drove him to the madness not with evil but with pure goodness. She just wanted to show him the world he knew was an allusion, convention of some fake properties that were just semblances of real ones. Yes, she knew that she had come without any invitation but she had never expected an invitation since beginnings of civilization and this was a characteristic trait of her juicy creation. This man should tear his mind's borders into very pieces; such disintegration could bring him serenity and long-breathed peace in his soul.
First time he allowed this diminutive girl enter into his mind and lent his ear to her. He hushed suddenly and had a thoughtful impression on face, then lifted his head with such a determination in his eyes. She is here! ...is here for my salvation! He had recognized his inspired time- most tranquilizing feeling of his own existence had experienced. The soft kisses of her on his soul and whisper-like voice which was full of affection towards him. The disappearing of anxiety and entrance of serenity... feeling of self-satisfaction and self-sufficiency... silence that settled on his ambivalence... instinct of being alone and uncompressing desire of discovering-
He straightened up and glanced at the shining-clear sky. No walls, no rails, no prison-like room. In his silence, he took a few steps. They were strong. He smiled by himself- He was ready- ..to run on the steeps of his mind...
Ceren Burcak Dag - July 08 Copyright 2008 Ceren Burcak |
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| Last Updated ( Friday, 18 July 2008 ) |
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