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To Bleed, Chapter 3 |
| Written by Chelsea DeCarlo | |
| Thursday, 17 July 2008 | |
 Thursday. Insignificant. Nothing good happened today, but then again, nothing bad happened either. School was as usual, go to class, eat lunch, go to more classes, come home. It was the same dull routine Emily followed everyday. And yet, it gave her a sense of stability. It was comforting to know what was going to happen the next day. Her mother was coming home tomorrow from her business trip, God only knows where she went this time, and Katherine was steering clear of the house this afternoon. Emily had the house to herself. She usually did. This always ended the same way, all Emily had to do was wait for her conscience to take over her entire existence. This did not comfort Emily in the slightest way, on the contrary, it scared her. She knew what it would say to her, because it never varied. The least it could do was change it up a lot, it was starting to sound like a broken record. Emily went into her room and turned on her stereo to break the silence. Silence killed in Emily's world. So there she sat, alone in her bedroom. She sat indian style on the floor as she always did, no one called, no one came to the door. She was truly alone. She could think whatever she wanted, she could do whatever she wanted, and no one would ever know. Maybe it would be better if someone knew. Emily wanted somebody to know, she wanted somebody to actually care, but until that day came, all she could do was sit in this big empty house and wait. One day, maybe, she wouldn't have to wait any longer. Suicide had crossed her mind more than once, although it was always a last option. She sometimes wished she was deaf, because then maybe she wouldn't hear the torturous thing inside her. Emily supposed you could still hear what was inside you, though, even if your ears didn't work. She hadn't bothered to put the razor away, it lay on her floor, taunting her. It mocked her viciously because she knew she wouldn't have the strength to walk away from it. She would never have that kind of strength. Emily held on to a little strand of hope, though, because nothing particularly stressful happened today. Same old thing that happened everyday. Emily was stressing over whether she would be stressed, though, which would probably bring even more stress than usual. And then it started. That farmiliar, fluid tone that ripped through her. Here we go, again. Emily... She was tired of fighting with herself, she shouldn't have to do this anymore. Emily, make this real easy on yourself and just do it. You know you'll feel better after. Why should she even put up a fight, Emily knew how this was going to end, anyway, who cares how fast she got there? Emily...Just do it Emily. It won't hurt, and it won't bleed that much... Of course, that's what she thought last time, too. Sometimes it bled profusely, sometimes it didn't. Maybe it was better to do it quickly and get over it. Emily... She gave in and reached for the boxcutter on the floor. She wouldn't cut too deep this time. That's right, Emily... "Shutup!" She yelled. It was silenced at the first slice, but she kept going until there was atleast 15 cuts up and down her leg. Her fingers were still covered from the last time she cut, and they still hurt. Blood dripped down her thigh to her shin, and eventually to her ankle. She walked into the farmiliar bathroom to clean up her leg. She put her razor on the counter, and stuck her foot in the sink. The cool water soothed her burning cuts, and she closed her eyes so the calm could wash over her. Her razor would need to be cleaned, as well. It had a little red on the tip of the blade, and she couldn't let Katherine come across it while it was like that. It would be very bad for Katherine to find out. Emily thought about why this affliction came to be. Why had she been cursed her with being abnormal? Why did her father have a similar attraction to pain? It was like her whole existence was programmed to be sad and beyond hope. And maybe death wouldn't be so bad after all. This little razor had a lot of power. She could take some painkillers, and slit her wrists. It would only hurt for a second. It always only hurt for a second. Everyday since she started this stupid ritual. It only hurt for a second. Emily knew that if she didn't have the strength to stand up to herself, she would never have the strength to silence it forever, and her last option became more appealing all the time. But with the time, the choice became clearer and clearer. Maybe the only way to silence her sorrow was to silence her mind altogether. Katherine would come home, find Emily, finally at peace with herself. But does peace really come with death? Emily weighed her options, and came to the decision that this was not the day she said goodbye. Copyright 2008 Chelsea DeCarlo |
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