In Portsmouth and Southsea, what did we do?

We played in the park with a Bee called Blue.

He got very mad and stung a fat kid

In Portsmouth and Southsea, that's what we did.

In Portsmouth and Southsea, where did we go?

We went to hear a Jewfish shout "hello!"

But the Jewfish we wanted was in Kent

In Portsmouth and Southsea that's where we went.

In Portsmouth and Southsea, what did we eat?

We munched on an apple made of crow meat,

Whilst we were eating we sat on our plate

In Portsmouth and Southsea, that's what we ate.

In Portsmouth and Southsea, what did we draw?

We pencilled down a purple dog's small jaw

We said to stay still, but then he said, "moo!"

In Portsmouth and Southsea, that's what we drew.

In Portsmouth and Southsea, what did we see?

An Alligator shat on a fir tree,

Laughing his arse off he fell to the floor

In Portsmouth and Southsea, that's what we saw.

In Portsmouth and Southsea, who did we meet?

We greeted a spider that had two feet,

He showed us his huge orange jumbo jet

In Portsmouth and Southsea, that's who we met.

In Portsmouth and Southsea, why did you cry?

Because I found out my parents could lie

It was too painful as much as I tried

In Portsmouth and Southsea, that's why I cried

In Portsmouth and Southsea, where did you die?

I discovered that I'm able to fly

I tried to escape, I flied and I flied

In Portsmouth and Southsea, that's where I died.

Keyword: Apples and Crows

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Comments (9)

Posted by Zombie Punk 2008-07-15 11:11:23 .... The only part i really liked about this was the spider part. good imagination. it kind of sounds like a song rather than a Poem, though. + Report this comment
Posted by Junglecan 2008-07-15 11:14:52 .... well it's got a rythym to it if that's what you mean, which is what i intended, so thanks! + Report this comment
Posted by June Eclipsis 2008-07-15 12:07:49 ... I agree with Zombie Punk. Your poem does have a nice rythm to it. I like it quite a lot. Nevertheless, I felt as though you repeated the first phrases quite too often. I would suggest that you, at the end, try to twist that whole phrase and to give it a sense that it ended. You're poem felt like it was cut off in the middle. + Report this comment
Posted by Juttabell^^ 2008-07-15 16:14:25 .... "In Portsmouth and Southsea" is overused. And it's beyond evident that you handpicked words just for the sake of rhyming. Personally didn't like the oddities. There's simply too much canvas when you write of the absurd. + Report this comment
Posted by Pilgrim 2008-07-15 16:26:52 .... The fourth line "In Portsmouth and Southsea, that's what we did," did not go with the previous verse. Lines 9-12 didn't make sense, not even in a funny way. Lines 21-24 didn't flow right to me either. + Report this comment
Posted by Junglecan 2008-07-16 08:25:28 .... thanks guys, the criticism is appreciated...guess i'll have to try again. + Report this comment
Posted by CDeCarlo 2008-07-17 08:39:03 .... I liked it. It gave me something I didn't expect and it really makes you wonder. I like the pace and rythym. It really flows and the words fit really well. + Report this comment
Posted by Squall1 2008-07-19 13:05:14 Cool Interesting. It was a very creative rhyme scheme and it told a good logical story, and that of course ended with death. I admire this poetry very much. + Report this comment
Posted by JJtyler 2008-07-22 23:58:34 .... I was born in Portsmouth, and I didn't meet anything of the sort. I'm calling you out. That's Portsmouth, VA, so maybe things are different in my neck of it. + Report this comment

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