The People From The Sky I: Man On The Moon

THE PEOPLE FROM THE SKY PART I:...

Gabriel Visits

“What do you see when you look out at the...

HELL'S MONOPOLY, Chapter 0


This story may contain adult content.
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Written by jake   
Sunday, 13 July 2008
 

The moon bathed the dark forest in a silvery glow. Winter was coming, and the leaves had already gone from the trees, leaving them bare, like skeletons. In the middle of the forest, was an old, abandoned hospital. It was five stories, and quiet large. Vines snaked up its side, and it was out of place. A hospital, in the middle of a forest? It was odd indeed. Yet, hell did not care for human judgment, or procedure. Screams escaped into the night, piercing the darkness.

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He sat in a large room, the paint peeled off the walls, the floors eaten away by vermin. Blood was spattered on the floor, and two pale, dead bodies. In his arms he held tightly his lover. A deep wound was visible on her chest, blood pouring from it.

"Come on... please don't leave me alone, I beg you," he cried.

"I'm sorry... I-I can-," she said, her dying breath.

Tears began to cascade down his cheeks. He heard heavy footsteps down the hall.

"No...please, no..." he trembled. Then, in the doorway, stood a small girl. Her cheeks were rosy and bright; her eyes were the deepest of blue. Brown, silky hair flowed down her shoulders. She wore a white, linen gown, which fell to her feet, which were bare. She had a glow about her, a golden haze that emanated from her body. A single tear rolled down her cheek.

"Help..."he pleaded. She did not speak.

The footsteps were coming closer.

"Please-help..."he choked, his voice scratchy, and dry. He mouthed the words again with his chapped lips. Her image wafted away like smoke when another figure came through the doorway. This figure was tall, with a long, thick black jacket, and a dark, concealing hood pulled over his face. In his left hand he clutched a knife. A black crow sat on his shoulder, cawing, staring with its horrible, fiery eyes. The crow flew off the figures shoulder, and swooped down at the man. He screamed and yelled, the crow feasting on his eyes, pecking at the balls within the sockets. The bird flew back on the figures shoulders. The man squirmed on the floor, crying, gasping, and moaning. The figure poised his knife for the ready, and hurled himself forward.

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The hooded figure, the caecus venator, walked out into the courtyard, were there was only cracked, broken statues, dead grass and flowers, and a single tree, with large, outstretched limbs, black, and barren, like skeletal hands reaching for the sky. He had disemboweled the man, his intestines, bladder, and other guts, flopped around like rope. The figure caecus venator lifted the man up to a limb, wrapping the mans own intestines around his wrists, like rope, to hang him from the tree. When he was done he walked back into the hospital, a limp in his step, his crow still on his shoulder.

Copyright 2008 jake
Keyword: HELL'S MONOPOLY
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Comments (5)
Posted by lemon
2008-07-13 23:55:42
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It will be interesting to see what happens from here. I'm curious as to how the people got into this mess to begin with and who the little girl was.
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Posted by The 13th
2008-07-14 00:30:05
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I thought this was pretty good.Will look out for chapter 2.
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Posted by David Relic
2008-07-14 00:40:49
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Very well described. I dig the story.

But, perhaps, and, I may be crossing the line, here, but, I just think, that, perhaps, there were just, too many, commas, and, I think that, if you, would just go back, and possibly, erase two thirds of them, it would make this a much greater piece than it already is...

PS: Opinion. i presume to know nothing...
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Posted by brandon_scott
2008-07-14 17:23:14
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Your writing has improved, young Jake! This has the potential to be an incredibly interesting and frightening series, and I look forward to what lies ahead. Well done!
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Posted by Zombie Punk
2008-07-17 23:40:30
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Hell yeah you've improved. This was a good, scary, gripping story, man. Well done. But like the other comment said chill out on the commas. Other than that the story was pretty crazy--thats a good thing.
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