Previously: a pious pink skunk on ship for some reason.. been on lost ship for long time. decades. kind of lonely.prays to god. a kuala comes from the sky riding a cucumber and crashes into the skunk... for further details see previous two episodes. now on with the story

"The ****..What? Who?." The pink skunk asked... He laid flat on his back, dazed, looking up into the furry face of a koala and the cloudless sky behind him. "Did the Lord send you? Are you an angel?"

"No," the koala said, "I'm a koala, and my names Kuala, Kuala Lumpur. And I think I should be asking you that same question..."

The sound of laughter and dance of a clown’s ball echoed inside the skunks head. The skunk blinked.

"Well… you see, if your ship hadn't been sailing by, I would have crashed and drowned for sure! You and your ship basically saved my life!

The skunk bloomed like an A bomb. "THIS IS A SIGN! DONT YOU SEE!? This is divine intervention, the Lord has sent you here and this MUST be part of his plan! DON’T YOU GET IT?!  DoN't YoU SEEeeeEEEEE!? "

The koala didn't seem to get it; he was too startled from the skunk’s sudden outburst.

“CAN’T YOU SEE? THIS IS AN ACT OF GOD GODDAMNIT!!!” another sudden outburst.

Kuala could see the wild fire in the skunk's raging eyes, bright and primal. Yes, the koala could now see, he could see that this brightly colored skunk had been lost at sea for far too long, and somewhere along the way had lost his mind.

GOD, OH SWEETSWEET LORD, the skunk said into the air.

The pink skunk's perfectly malformed conviction for God had settled and grown through years and years of complete isolation from anything tangible; flaring into birth a psychotic phoenix blazing with fire and madness--forcing the mind to completely recoil in horror and laughter into some deep dark place inside the skunks brightly painted psyche.

OHH DON'T YOU sEE! MR. LUMPAR CAN'T--YOU--SEEEE!? This was no... ACCIDENT!" The skunk raved.   

Kuala tried to keep his distance, but was soon cornered against the stern being shaken and screamed at violently. "OHHHH DON'T YOU SEE! THIS IS GOD’S MIRACLE, OH PLEASE WHY CANT YOU SEE!? I PRAYED AND I PRAYED AND HE SPOKE TO ME! HE SAID HE WOULD HELP ME HE WOULD SEND SOMEONE AND NOW LOOK... YOU’RE HERE YOURE HERE TO SAVE ME!

 “AY now, STOP…PLEASE!" Kuala flung his arms up, breaking the skunk’s grip and sending him stumbling back and onto his bushy striped tail.

Kuala had his cucumber clenched tightly in his raised hand while the skunk looked up with hurt eyes; he could see the waterworks on their way.

 “Look, I’m sorry, but I don’t know what you’re talking about. I was on some island on business when the storm started up, but due to an emergency I’d rather not talk about, I had to leave immediately.” Kuala explained. “I don’t remember much… but I do know those huge clouds just kept pulling me in, I couldn’t get away for the life of me,” the koala said, straining and squeezing his mind for better details.

The skunk had gotten up now and was beginning to tickle and prong his furry butt with his paw, then bringing it back to his nose for a good whiff, though still listening intently.   “Funny,” he said, ignoring the crude skunk. “Yes, it was funny, I never actually felt any wind, and I could have sworn I filled Zucchini with a full tank of baby feces before I left—not to mention this baby has a 9.8 mill. Jewel Flux Compacitator.” The koala said, proudly thumping his cucumber in his other hand. “Sorry Mr. Skunk, I’ll admit this might have been some sort of freak act by God, but I'm no angel.” 

 “AHAH!” the skunk shouted quickly. Then you admit you know GOD!.. or that.. He sent you here for a purpose!

The koala obviously new this skunk was mentally ill. “****, no use arguing with this goof troop son of a *****,” Kuala thought.

   “Yea sure,” Kuala admitted, “but really, I’ve never met the guy, nor do I know why he sent me here. I guess it’s just all part of God’s big, divine plan, huh… so we’ll just have to wait it out and see.

Absent of words, the skunk nodded.

“You got any food around here?”

“If the Lord allows… follow me.” The koala accompanied the skunk to the very end of the ship, where the foamy waves below were subtle and blue.

“Now what?” the koala asked.

“We wait.”

“For what?”

“For food.”

 “Like, fish?” Kuala asked confuddled.

“Yes, we wait patiently and we pray until God sends us some food, SO IF YOUD LIKE THAT--YOUD BETTER START PRAYING, NOW!... My piss pot is back there if you don’t want any of the Lord’s good grace. It doesn’t taste too good and it might make you sick. I drink it to try to inflict the pain Jesus might have felt--

“Alright alright ill pray, Jesus,” Kuala said under his breath.

After an hour or so of waiting and watching the ocean carry the ship farther into nowhere, bobbing up and down, up and down, down and up, up and down—there was an enormous splash off in the distance.

“JESUS!”

“HUH!? WHERE!” the skunk screamed, springing into life from a hazy sleep. The skunk had been in a dream where he and Jesus Christ were at a dim lit bar with two burly female lumberjacks, both of whom were dykes. The four of them were playing a board game and hitting the sauce after a hard day at work.

By the time Kuala had seen the splash, Jesus and the skunk were drunk and making sexual advances on the two lumberjills using old bar tricks. I I bet you a drink that I can drink these eight chalices, full of my blood, before you can finish three shots… The next thing I noticed we were sleeping and the women were growing.  

“H-Hey… if you, if you, ay ay--lissen to what Im saying… here. “ Jesus said as he put his arm around one of the females and leaned in close. Listen, listen, youu know I got no prom wth YoU dykes, Now, but NOW! My—my fAtHr, on the othr hand, he HATES yous, YoU fags.”

Jesus pulled the large flannel clad women back as she started to schooch away. AAAY! Ay now! IF YOU DON’T WANT TO GO TO, TO HELL! YOUR GOMA COME WITH ME AND OLD PINKY Hare, YOU GOT THAT!?

“Ha, yea you tell em J.C.” Old Pinky said just before he was awakened.

“JESUS!”

“HUH!? WHERE!”

“What? NO no, did you see that? A huge splash, I think it was a whale!”

“Oh a whale,” the skunk said as he stretched and yawned. “Kill it. I think there’s piece of wood somewhere around here; you’ll probably have to sharpen it though.”

 The skunk lazily nestled back down again and quietly crept back in where Jesus was beginning to sob.

“Can I Tell yOU SometHing, man?” Jesus said wrapping his arm around the now human sized skunk’s head. "I dit did it, I mean… I did it, mann! Jesus confessed, I ****** Mary, man! I ****** HER…. ****** HER SUCKED HER ******— ****** HER!” Jesus wined as he had his face in his palms. “She’s a ***** man, AND I LOVE HER! *crying more* I din plan it…I MeAn, me and my apostles were just.. like you know,  wanted to have a fun night on the town and then and then then Matthew suggested, we, we,,, The rest was muffled as he buried his face into Pinky’s breast. SHHh, there there.”  Suddenly the skunk was jolted from yet another dream from yet another splash just a foot away from the vessel. A great foamy blue wall rose and crashed into the ship, sending Kuala’s cucumber into another world and almost capsizing them and the whole boat.

 Out of the splash rose a yellow goliath bloopy fish.

I AM KING BLOOPY FISH, King Bloopy fish thundered, exploding mountains. ARE YOU THE PINK SKUNK WHO… PASSEDD GAAS ON MY SON! The royal fish yelled, his vibrations echoing off heaven and hell.

The pink skunk’s bowls relaxed. “It was him,” the pink skunk said pointing to Kuala beside him

The large fish looked them over. “Never mind, ILL JUST CRUSH YOU BOTH!

The skunk let out a frightened meep, MEEP! Then shot off like a bullet to the opposite side of the ship.

“Sonofabitch,” Kuala said as he watched him pull off a pretty nice nose dive off into the ocean.

King Bloopy fish slowly submerged himself to look for the skunk--He was spotted immediately—pathetically flailing his limbs about under the water. King Bloopy fish swiped him up with his fin and swallowed him whole.

The pink skunk reached the stomach and its acid with a splash. His fur instantly melted off his scorched skin. As his bones were embarrassingly starting to show, the skunk lowered his head like he was in time-out and thought about what he had done. The boiled off nerve endings allowed him to repent and pray in peace.

Unbeknownst to the skunk the bloopy fish had turned over and died; inadvertently sacrificing his life for Kuala. King Bloopy fish was none too smart, for he didn’t know that pink skunks have a special defense mechanism designed exactly for situations like this.

Toxic enzymes and chemicals in the coats of pink skunks are released when burned or tampered with. They invade the left hemisphere of the fish’s brain, turning them into a cognitively disabled mermaid, mentally. And we all know retarded mermaids can’t swim, and thus: King Bloopy has drowned.

The now grotesquely burnt and boiling skunk sat brewing in quite darkness, praying in confession to his Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

As the last smoky wisp of spirit left the skunk carcass, a white screen door of soft sunshine appeared in front of the pink skunk. He heard the chirp of bluebirds and laughs of innocent children as they watched rainbows chasing shadows over hills of frozen honey, and in the distance he could see unicorns fighting in glory against white crows.

The screen door creaked open as the pink skunk slowly walked through and into the yellow sunlit world where he would join the jovial panda bears in picking vivid celestial flowers out in the stellar gardens.

The old pink skunk smiled.

                                                XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX 

Way up high on the swaying watchtower, the koala hugged himself in a tight package of fear and mental torment.

The lost ghost ship continued to drift aimlessly, carrying the koala farther and farther into a dark stage of  technicolored psychosis. All perception of reality gone, he could only think of what happened before he landed on the ship—even his memory of the pink skunk was garnished with sewage.

The day of his arrival stuck in his mind like a rusty nail hammered into his brain stem. He played it over and over, frequently sending his mind into tense spastic convulsions.

  XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

It was the  perfect day. The sun was sending friendly vibes down to its favorite planet while the moon looked on in approval.  It was all planned, practiced, and coordinated down to a science. “Nobody was supposed to be hurt, itwasn’t supposedtohappenlike that!” Kuala thought, again and again.

The blood splattered walls became a permanent decor in Kuala’s mind, the torn off limbs, ruptured eye sockets, split and shattered teeth, all becoming a big rusty ball of twisted metal inside the koala’s head. “But It wasn’t my fault, wasn’t my fault,” Kuala repeated.

Right before landing on the ship, the koala had become one of the most wanted marsupials on Hamburger Island.  He, a chupacabre, a young undead girl and a son of a preacher man were on the run and were wanted for the brutal massacre of two babies, one pregnant women, two non-pregnant women, four elderly men and kangaroo during a bank heist gone wrong.

Kuala managed to escape the scene while the other three were immediately picked off from snipers stationed on nearby clouds—three clean headshots, and one just grazing the eye lashes of the koala as he soared off into the darkening sky on his cucumber.

Just as he jetted over the orange horizon, Kuala felt a sharp blow behind him that almost knocked him off his cucumber. He couldn’t move. There was an apache hatchet impaled deep into his back, slicing his spinal cord in two like a split thread.

As he fell paralyzed from atop his cucumber and as his vision went out of focus, he caught a fleeting glimpse of what he thought was a great bronze Indian wearing a fantastic peacock headdress. He was riding atop a great flying white stallion made of diamonds.

  XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

As the koala rose from the tower, his groin started to tingle. He now more then ever regretted losing Zucchini to the great blue unknown. He stretched and decided to climbed down and find something to ****.

THEE motherfucking END!

Keyword: xena longest story every for your face skunk

Report this story | Add to Favorites | Send to Friends | Author's Profile

No Comments posted

Comments (7)

Posted by David Relic 2008-07-13 02:43:26 .... Wacky shit. I dig the use of fonts, colors, and all other types of psychotropic blindsides that might crack you upside the head whilst reading this. I, for one, just recently stopped taking mind espanding hallucinogenics, so I am in a remedial phase of retroactive psychosis. PS: it was very well written. Poetry even... + Report this comment
Posted by Squall1 2008-07-13 12:56:25 What the...? First off, you didn't define a location at the beginning. Somehow, this has to be made apparent, if even just vaguely alluded to. Second, there wasn't really a point to the whole thing, the development was slow and I didn't really know why I was reading it, and I didn't really care about some psychotic skunk and an ignorant Koala. Finally, what's up with Jesus? I didn't really understand the entire thing, but I also ma have been impatient with it. On the bright side, the writing itself was fairly good, with fluent sentences that conveyed clear messages. + Report this comment
Posted by Xena 2008-07-13 18:25:12 jello this is part 3 of an epic trilogy.. but you have good points squally.. i think ill add an intro.. sometime.. maybe + Report this comment
Posted by Xena 2008-07-13 19:26:15 and ps dankeshane relic + Report this comment
Posted by Squall1 2008-07-13 19:41:18 Sorry I missed that it was a 3 parter. I just thought that the title was long and crazy just for the heck of it. + Report this comment
Posted by otacon420 2008-07-14 01:55:32 .... fuckiing brilliant + Report this comment
Posted by Eliot Rosenstock 2008-07-23 22:57:04 .... I enjoyed the story very much, very hunter thompsonesque, but it is distinctively your style. I really like the font change, and it works well with the rest of the story. Good job! + Report this comment

Post a comment

Post a comment