Something Gross 

Warning: This story contains filth. So unless you like to roll in it I advise you to take a pass on reading this. Thank you.

"So I stick these pencils up my ass right?"

That's how this particular conversation started with my friend Matt. He was the biggest degenerate I had ever had the privilege of knowing. He was also one of the most mischevious if not amusing guys at our school. This conversation we were having had started during lunch period and lucky for Matt, most of his tormentors, being the seniors, had open lunch. Otherwise they would've had a heyday with this one.

"So I stick these pencils up my ass right?" Matt said.

"Uh huh," I responded.

"And I clench the eraser, just the eraser Charlie otherwise you could pop yourself open and end up being carried away to the hospital soaked in blood and ****. Anyways I clench the eraser and snap it off while I'm standing. Then I suck it up like a vacuum while in the missionary position." He then gave me a mock demonstration of the insertion, snap off, and anal vacuum. Damn was I glad the seniors weren't here for this.

"So what the **** are you building up to Matt?" I asked casually. I was so used to this guy's antics I could practically watch the real thing and not be shaken....well until maybe the eraser-less pencil brought out a large clump of/

"**** erasers! I'm making them for the last day of school!" Matt said with manic glee. You could see it in his eyes: he seriously found nothing wrong with what he was saying.

"I'm gonna go to every teacher's room during the lunch break and place them in their desks."

"Why?" Was my obvious question.

"WHY!?" He asked hysterically as if I should already know. "Because it'll be funny that's why! Think about it, how often do teachers clean out their desks?"

I started to respond with "I don't kno/" when he broke me off.

"Once a year!"

"And you know this for a fact?" I asked doubtfully.

"Trust me! Just let me lay it out here for yah ok? Mrs. Collins last class always gets out 3 minutes early right?"

"Right."

"Anyway I know for a fact that she has to catch a plane to Colorado by five o'clock. She'll be unpacking throughout the whole day! And when she happens to come across a turd with erasers poke-a-dotting it?"

"She'll think someone here's ******* crazy?"

"NO!...well maybe. Actually, yeah she'll probably think that. But what she'll really be wondering is how long that disgusting thing was down in her desk. She'll be haunted by it, at least for a couple of hours during her flight. She'll be asking herself ‘how long have I graded papers with this thing hovering underneath me? How many times have I reached in this drawer and touched some strangers feces.' And then; ‘what if I did touch it? I've reached in there so many times not paying attention I could've easily brushed up against it.' Dude it'll be a total mind trip for almost every teacher in this school!"

"Almost?" I said with surprise.

"Yeah well some of the faculty actually don't mind touching ****." Matt said.

"Who," I asked,"Mr. Bradster?"

"Yeah." Matt replied. "That guy has got some serious issues."

Author's Note: I know, terrible right? Disgusting? Wrong? Sometimes I can't help myself! I'm trying to be more mature...........I'm just not trying today.

Keyword: how many licks does it take to get to the center of an eraser pop? Oh yeah....sorry about that......

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Comments (8)

Posted by Zombie Punk 2008-07-11 23:57:59 .... I just read this like an hour ago but its still funny. Ha! the keywords were hiliarious! + Report this comment
Posted by The 13th 2008-07-12 00:52:07 .... Uckky But amusing. + Report this comment
Posted by brandon_scott 2008-07-12 13:21:16 .... Very juvenile, but a pleasure to read. I can't imagine anyone wanting to stick a pencil up their ass and pinch the eraser off. Is it even possible? Are your rectal muscles strong enough? + Report this comment
Posted by lemon 2008-07-12 13:54:47 .... As the page was opening for this story I thought to myself "This HAS to be something Jason Haugh wrote because its title is Something Gross" sure enough.. I even had to sit here and explain to my husband why I suddenly shouted "of COURSE!" when the page finished loading. Ok, well of course it was a funny/nasty story. Loved the part about the teachers freaking out about how long the eraser turd has been 'floating' around in their desks. Great job. haha. Now I've got to find the ball story for my husband to read so he 'understands' lol + Report this comment
Posted by Pilgrim 2008-07-13 11:31:31 .... This was okay. However, I have one thought that keeps pestering me, I have never heard of anything like this before. I mean, how did you know something like this could be done? Is this something that you have personally done before? And as these thoughts race through my mind I wonder, "Is this guy okay?" + Report this comment
Posted by lemon 2008-07-13 21:55:37 Pilgrim No, no he isn't ok.. he's a little on the crazy side, but thats how we like him :) + Report this comment
Posted by r.e.potter 2008-07-16 12:34:38 .... The opening line and the last line were funny as hell to me...laughed my eraserless ass off. The middle dialouge was funny as well. Im looking over and I have a pencil on my desk with no eraser....what the **** + Report this comment
Posted by harmattan 2008-08-03 06:00:47 something gross Yes, Gross Crass Childish Perile Little boys behind the bikeshed. Made me laugh And I have no shame in that. But I do not know whether or not to ever use "leviathan" as a metaphor again! Never used it before.... Wasn'tparticularly planning to use it again. But you've got me thinking Kind regards Harmattan + Report this comment

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