I'm awake and my first thought is an idea that's been nagging me. I hate mornings because of it. Once I have coffee and read the paper I'll feel better, My life isn't what it used to be. I used to have aspirations and plans. Now at 52 I'm resolved that nothing will change and this resolution has made me depressed.
My work takes my mind off it. I sell Hyundais. That's why I'm here. The reason I was born. Was it 20 years ago I had my own used car dealership? It used to be 10 years went by fast. Now 20 is the new 10. I dreaded turning 40 then in an instant 50 came. At 50 I stopped kidding myself and made up my mind that I wasn't going to be a millionare or a celebrity after all. Its not the money or fame but it was something. I got to stop thinking so dreadfully, that's the problem.
It's midday and I call my friend Mike who hasn't worked in 8 months. At first he enjoyed it and thought it would be temporary then he got used to it. First was the activity of a workless day, a never ending vacation sleeping until he decided to get out of bed. Up at 8 then 10 then 11. I like talking to Mike because as sad as my life is, his really stinks and that makes me feel better. His apartment is a mess. It ought to be condemmed. I call him and there's no answer, must be sleeping, so funny. Yesturday he came by the office with shorts a tee shirt and flip-flops. There's nothing more unbecoming in a man then to wear flip-flops even sandals. Can't stand the site of toes in public, except woman. Come to think of it they're always showing their toes even in winter. Maybe that's why they paint the nails, even the homely ones. Can't bother to comb their hair, put on makeup or lose weight, but hey at least the toenails are red.
This afternoon a couple purchased our newest 4-door. Young, just got married. She needs to upgrade from her 2-door Toyota. Her car is not a sports car and it's not a dull efficiency car but it tries to be both. First she wanted our sportier model then I convinced her to get a bigger 4-door because if they decide to have children she could utilize the back seat, plus the car is bigger safer blah blah blah. They bought it but I know that once the kids come she's going to want an SUV and they'll be back.
At first I wanted to design cars, then as I grew older fix them up and sell them. Then just sell them. Not just any car but ones I thought were the coolest on the road. When that didn't work I resorted to selling what people actually bought. Then my partner and I got bored with it and the business went stale. When that phase was over I went to new car dealerships working as a salemen. Same pattern first it was BMW's then Chryslers now at a place where there are actually customers. I really like that Stones song where you can't always get what you want, but you get what you need. I think I need a drink.
But not just any drink I got to have Grey Goose vodka, best vodka on the shelf. I guess when money is tight I'll just get the well stuff. I think I'm seeing a pattern. I'm at the bar, our local VFW which I'm not a member. I'm not even a veteren. I'm here with people I know and Mike walks in or should I say flip flops in flap flap flap. The sound alone makes me hate those things. Early in the night there's about ten of us then five then its just Mike and me, again. He's getting sick of his life by now but he's humorous about it. I told him if he got out of the house and failed at something it would be an improvement. We got a big laugh out of that. I like Mike but I don't want to be him. Come to think of it I don't want to be me. Tommorrow's Sunday, my day off I can get extra drunk tonight.
Its morning I'm awake thinking "why is this me? why does this have to be me." I should talk about Mike my apartment is no prize. I can feel my stomach on its side, so fat and disgusting. Oh I hate mornings and what's worse my hangover is more then I can bear, my depression is really intense. Maybe I should get help. But then what. feel better about being a loser? What to do today? Maybe nothing. But that nagging thought. At first is was just a thought, nothing to take serious. Then as time went by more consideration, and now it's an obsession. I used to think that if I took care of this obsession it wouldn't be fair to others. But others became more distant which I guess makes the idea easier and thus more obsessive. Today I think why not, if I don't then I'm a coward why should I have to nag myself about it I'm going to do it and now. I get a pen and paper and leave a note then get into my car. I'm on the highway thinking of a spot. An efficient spot. About two miles away and its time to go fast. As the car picks up speed my mind is racing, this is exciting, got to stay with it. Last mile. Thinking of the business, Heidi, parents, Mike and the note "I'm 50 no career no relationship I'm sorry" there's the spot, faster faster...
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