Revised
“What do you see when you look out at the world? Do you see the planet? What about the trees and animals? Do you think about the greatest animals who walk the earth and how they came to be? Do you think about us? You, me the whole of humanity. What are we, why are we?“ Matteus Dagny rambled while sitting in his psychiatrist’s comfortable and classic recliner. The recliner was in a relaxing office dominated by the comfortable couch surrounded by soothing trappings of modest wealth. A diploma from a very prestigious Ivy League school was showcased on the wall to the right of the solid desk which David Benjamin sat.
It never ceased to fascinate David how peoples’ search for something greater than them selves manifested itself. Mr. Benjamin never looked for something greater than himself because if found; it would have to be greater than great to better him. Take Mr. Dagny for example; by all accounts a successful farmer of salmon, mussels and kelp. Seems he found markets for the mussels and kelp kept within his salmon pens to help with waste management. A very resourceful and gifted man it seems, just like his name means in his native Sweden. Gift of God and God is my judge, in order, are the meanings behind his first and last name, and yet here he sits, breaking under the strain of thinking about the meaning of life.
Why do people, thought David, who are successful, and don’t understand their success, almost always come to think some unseen hand guides their steps. Like God is going to make some bastard successful just because he feels like it. Why, he thought, don’t people understand a little thing called luck? If he tried to tell Mr. Dagny he’s just lucky, you know, right time, right place with the right resources, inevitably he would start talking about fate and destiny. Blah, blah, blah. The whole concepts of fate and destiny negate god’s decree of free will. If a person is fated or destined to do something; why then, would we have free will to screw it all up? Bringing up an argument along those lines of thought would just make him say, “God works in mysterious way.” with that ******* catch in the voice David heard dozens of times.
A bell rang on Mr. Benjamin’s desk, ending the drone of metaphysical, existentialist dribble spewing from his last patient. “I’m sorry Mr. Dagny, I’ve got to end our session now, and I have a diner appointment with colleagues tonight to discuss some new essays published this month.” It was a perfect lie to cut off any discussion about a few more minutes.
“Quite alright sir, I understand the importance of discussions. I feel better, like I’m coming to grips with everything.” Dealing with English fisherman and officials over the years had taken the sharp Swedish accent from his voice.
“How has the search for a religion been going? Found any who you feel comfortable with?” asked David with honest curiosity.
“Bah, seems every organized religion held in a building has been corrupted by man. What person doesn‘t have some fault that can't be exploited? One church uses guilt and sin to keep the flock in the fold. One church uses God, the Supreme Being, to make you kneel in submission. It seems a group choose themselves to be God’s favorite, and uses that one tale to shape its people into a weapon. It seems to me God told each group the same thing, and over the years, men with God like egos have twisted words in books to shape the church to what these humans with god like egos want, not what god wants.” Matteus said with disgust in his voice. “What really gets me, all three religions fought against knowledge for centuries, and now, they seem to hand pick parts of science to still rally against. How else could God bring order to chaos but by using gravity, physics, and mathematics? Fundamentalists give God absolute authority over us and the universe until science is brought up. Don’t you think God wants us to advance like any parent raising a child? How else could he do it but with science?” he finished his question breathless with anticipation, like he expected his psychiatrist to have the answers to the known universe.
“My Mr. Dagny, you really have been thinking about god a good deal lately.” his mouth said one thing while his brain thought another. His opinion went along the lines that humanities best, over the years, helped humanity pick itself up by the shoe straps out of the mud early humans lived in. Mr. Dagny was the kind who thanked god, after a touchdown catch, for his god given talents, while he was the kind to thank himself for the talents he worked day in, day out for. “You sound like your getting closer to a breakthrough, keep working it over, talk to a holy man, I hear the love arguing points in religion," and he paused for effect, "but only theirs.”
Matteus laughed. “I just may do that, great suggestion. Let me get out of here and let you get to your diner date.”
“Diner date? No sir, it’s a meeting of …”
Laughing again Matteus Dagny interrupts, “Just teasing lad, just teasing. Have a good evening Mr. Benjamin.” he said all while getting up and going towards the office door.
“Good evening to you too. You’ll have to let yourself out, I let Miss Wicker go for the evening. The door should lock behind you.”
“Not a problem, until next week then.” and Matteus Dagny was out the door.
David sat at his desk for a few minutes, finishing up some paperwork, when he heard a voice whisper from, what sounded like, right behind him. Turning quickly in surprise, he jumped at his own reflection mimicking his movements in the high-rise office window behind him. Unnerved laughter escaped his lips as he turned back to his desk saying, “I need a vacation, I’m starting to see ghosts or god over my shoulder.”
“Which would you rather see?” a dispassionate voice asked from nowhere.
“What’s going on!?” yelled David jumping up from his desk, searching the room for people. “If this is some kind of practical joke, it is not funny!” he shouted running towards the door between his office and the waiting room.
“Are you looking for a body to go with my voice Mr. Benjamin? I‘m not in your office, but feel free to roam around and look.” the voice spoke again with no emotion, “but while you look, would you mind answering my question? Would you rather see god or a ghost?”
“Ok, I’m having a breakdown of some sort, to much going on in my life now!” David said trying to force himself to stay calm. With a shaking hand he swiftly opens the interoffice door. A fast hand hits the light switch and faster eyes scan the room, empty save for his secretary’s desk and some chairs alongside end tables covered in magazines.
“Are you satisfied? Look, you didn‘t just die of a heart attack, your not going crazy, and yes, you are hearing a voice in your head. Why don‘t you just answer the question? You might find out a little about yourself while doing so.”
“God!” David blurted out, “I’d rather see god.”
“You see now David, saying that tells me you believe in a Supreme Being who created us with a plan, instead of billions of spirits intertwining haphazardly in life and death on this earth. Your parents had faith; why else name you “Beloved Son of Sorrow” David?
“Whaa, how, why?” so many questions spilled out his mouth at once.
“Your doubt is like a beacon from heaven. Your inner monologue was plain for me to hear while you listened to Matteus Dagny tell his tale about discovering God, and you sat there listening to him blah, blah, blah, until you were saved from his tedious view of life by the bell. What do you have to say for yourself?” An emotionless voice always sounds cold when you fear god is reprimanding you.
“How can you let people fool themselves into believing everything they do is part of your plan?” David replied defiantly, besides, if he was having a psychotic episode, would it matter if he was rebellious against an entity he didn’t really believe in? And he thought it a good question anyway. Maybe he would glean some subconscious insight into the mind he could then include in his book he swore he was going to write one day.
“You could write the book on your own breakdown under the stress of hearing so many question their existence. They all found faith and god while you just sit with humanist answers, all the while, on the back of your mind where questions are whispered, you ask so softly, how did it all begin?” The voice ended with emotion.
David was so staggered by his inner most thoughts being spoke to him, he heard not the emotion the voice displayed. Stumbling back to his desk, each foot stepping upon a stone, a belief, a foundation his life was based upon. Each time he lifted a foot to go forward, the stone beneath it crumbled in disbelief. Finally, he collapsed in the chair, like a man grabs a life vest; hoping to have strength enough to hold what little of his life was left.
“Beloved, tonight you will be reborn. Do you believe now, have you found your faith, has grace returned to thee? Are you ready to see my messenger, my archangel Gabriel?”
“Grace I have not known, nor do I now. Belief and faith are new to me, though I shall pray to know their embrace.” David answered simply.
“Then look up and hear my messenger.”
David looked up from his desk to see a marble statue dressed in black standing in his doorway. Gabriel’s fine features were outlined by flaxen hair that seemed to be made of light in his eyes, but this angel’s eyes made David gasp at their piercing nature. He swore each pupil was pointed and floated over a deep bowl of light green granite. “Are you the archangel Gabriel here to give me gods’ message?” he asked in awe.
“No, I’m just sick and twisted and can’t stop. My parents had the foresight to name me Gabriel and all my life I’ve been able to know how people felt in a vague way. But lately, I’ve been able to hear their inner most secrets and thoughts. Talking in their minds was next and you know what? People are sick, twisted, greedy, needy, wanting, and deceitful but you, your ready to meet god.” with that Gabriel raised his hand and started shooting.
“What?” asked David in shocked wonder. The first flash of light was painless, but the next flash was accompanied by a sharp piercing pain followed by another flash of light and pain, another flash, again the pain until the pain went away and the flashes turned into constant white light. David heard a soft female voice start whispering “my beloved.”
The next day’s newspapers headlines read:
Police Baffled as Serial Killer’s 77th Victim
is Local Prominent Psychiatrist
Copyright 2008 C.D.Walker
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