Her Magic Touch, Chapter 1

She's not very attractive. No, that isn't quite...

TO WHOM IT MIGHT CONCERN (Gambia Oct '08)

It is not all fun being invisible, not all about...

THE SHADOW OF THE FALLEN, Chapter 0


This story may contain adult content.
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Written by jake   
Monday, 07 July 2008
The first of all wars was fought on the heavenly planes. The angels either remained with god, or followed

Lucifer Morningstar into the pits of hell. As god had the power to create, the devil had the power to destroy,

and corrupt. Demons began to mate with humans, and animals. From the union of a demon and wolf was

a werewolf, hellhounds, and lycans. The result of half-demon humans and bats was the first vampire. The

cycle continued, and hellish beasts were brought upon this earth, pawns of the demons. Human factions

began to rise and fight these beasts. Still, they numbered few, and were no match against the servants of

evil. To one particular order of humans, called the Puis ordo, the holy order, came Gabriel the angel, and

told them that there would be one marked by god, and he would be their greatest and strongest ally.

....................................................................................................................................................

In a large white house lived a family of three. A father, a mother, and a fifteen year old son. The father,

david, helped his son comb his hair in the bathroom.

"hurry, Hunter,the clients will be here any minute."

"I'm going as fast as i can, dad."

He hurriedly patted the hair atop his head.

"okay its not perfect,son,but it will do... come on..."

They hurried downstairs.

"Honey, is supper done?"

"Yes dear, the table is even set."

"great, come on, come to the door, their car is in the drive way.'

She came up and stood beside her husband. They all smilled brightly, and opened the door, the two male

clients were just making it up the steps. They were both tall, one having long, thin hair, the other short

scraggly hair and a thick beard. The one with long hair shook Davids hand.

"Hi, im Harold, thank you for inviting us to your house this fine evening."

"Oh, you are very welcome."

The other man extended his hand.

"As my friend said, thank you. My name is Karl."

"nice to have both of you."

They were all lead into the house, and sat down at the table. It was a fine meal of spaghetti.

"does this spaghetti happen to have any garlic in it?"Harold asked.

"oh, why no. Are you allergic?"answered susan.

"oh, very."

"and by the way, i would like to ues a plastic fork, you know,to swave you dishes." karl said.

David handed him a plastic fork. They sat around the dinner table and discussed business. When everyone

was finished with their meals, Susan took up the plates. Harold offered to assist her with the dishes.

"oh, that would be much appreciated."

He followed her into the kitchen.

"so, Karl, how do you and Harold know one another?"David asked.

"we have been collegues for centuries..."

"wow,that long, you two must be brothers by now..."

"In some ways, yes, we are..."

Hunter figgeted around in his chair. These men made him uneasy.

"kid, are you okay?"Karl asked.

"fine, thanks."

For a few more minutes they talked,until their was a scream from the kitchen.

"Susan?!"david called. There was no answer.David was about to get out of his chair, but Karl grabbed his

arm, and hel on with amazing strength.

"Let me go!"

"I cannot do that..."

"What is this?"

Karl smiled,revealing sharp teeth. Suddenly he began to change, fur began to grow rappidly, his nose

streched out into a snout. In a few seconds he was a eight foot tall werewolf, with dark brown fur. His eyes

reflected the moon. He growled and leaped over the table, and on top of David, who yelled for hunter to

run. Hunter sprinted for the front door, but it was blocked by Harold, who was sucking his teeth, blood

rimming his mouth.  Inside his lips, were two long fangs.

"And were are you going,boy?"

Hunter yelled. POW!A bullet thudded into Harolds chest. David had shot it, a twenty-two in his hands.

He was bloody, scratches and bites covering his body, his clothesnow hanging in strips.

"Run!"

He shot Harold again, and again. Harold fell to the ground, but he was still alive.

"go!!"

 Hunter ran out into the yard, and ran for the road, but then, there was a greatt explosion, and he was

knocked off his feet, face first into the grass. Noone came after him, thank god, but his parents were dead

,and his home was ablaze. He kneeled in the grass, and teary eyed, he looked up into the starry sky.

 "God, give me the power to fight them, and i swear to you, i will turn over my life to you, i will dedicate

my life to defending others against them..."

Nothing happened, and so he bowed his head.

"God,please..."he cried. There was thunder, then a bolt of lighting shot down at Hunter, and he was knocked unconciouss.

Copyright 2008 jake
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Comments (11)
Posted by flossy
2008-07-07 13:57:51
....

Okay.You listened to my advice and stopped the caps.The format is real iffy.Needs some work.Have a read of some other stories and see what others do.SPelling glitches too.The story was'nt that bad.Plenty of people are in to this kind of genre.I actually liked it.You seem to be starting chapters but not finishing, maybe I'm wrong.But look on the brightside.Youre only 14.By the time you hit 18, you may be another Tolken.
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Posted by brandon_scott
2008-07-07 15:18:13
....

I agree with Flossy. The story itself isn't at all bad. How you are chosing to tell it, is. Grammar, punctuation, and spelling are very important to keep a story flowing.

Let me spell it out like this: When someone is reading your work, and it's good, they get taken in their mind to the place that you are describing for them. But, if the reader has to stop and reread a word or a sentence because it's not making much sense, that disrupts the flow and takes the reader's imagination out of the story. Does that make sense? Don't give up; I think you're on to something good here. Just keep practicing.
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Posted by fevilleg
2008-07-07 15:36:42
....

the dialogue is a little stilted, it sounds somewhat fake. some parts are a little confusing also, specially when the shooting is going on.
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Posted by philneale1952
2008-07-07 16:37:22
OK

It is a good start, but listen to the advice given above.

Grammar and punctuation really are important to keep a reader's interest.

You need to work a little on your paragraph formatting too.

Look at "Punishment" by R.E. Potter. He knows not just how to put a story together, but also how to structure the narrative to ratchet up the tension.

You're not a hundred miles away from being a decent writer, but basic errors will always let you down.

Be a shame to spoil something promising.

Always leave 'em on the edge - I like that.

Phil
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Posted by Xena
2008-07-07 17:47:33
damn

that must be the most naive family in life...'oh hello family... oh i cant come in unless you invite me in.. yea im kinda ocd like that... oh and i hope wer not having garlic, or sign of the cross shaped fish sticks... or anythin that might stab me in the heart.. or anything that would offend a vampire for that matter... not saying i am one.. you know its just the ocd.. yea... oh and im allergic to koolaid.. do you have any blood? oh sure we do mr. salesman.. let me go fetch our cat...! im pretty sure i would of stabbed him in teh heart with a widdled stake oncde he said he was allergic to garlic... but thats just me.. but yea.. i can see this as a B movie id watch over and over... and if it had steven seagal in it id probably climax.. and yea other thanwhats already been said... but if thats not what you were looking for try dressing it up a little.. alto of its flat and corny.. like say.. at the end.. i chuckled.. it went like...
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Posted by Xena
2008-07-07 18:09:39
ok it went like

or it was the part where... the kid was running out side.. oh and i kept getting confused with all the characters names.. you just were like fuck it.. im throwin in 7 main characters, three deamons, a vampire and a grandma.. and all of them have the same name by coincidence.. dang i spelled that right? ok anyway, i know you didnt do taht but thats how i felt.. ok so like the part where the kid runs out of the hose after the fight... it said like.. nobody followed him, thank god... but his house is on fire and his family brutally murdered by a vampire and a werwof.. yea, thank god.. and if that just happend to me.. id probably be to busy running and screaming to sit down adn ask god for super powers.. nother thing that made me chuckle.. he neals and prays for powers.. nothing happens.. he lowers his head.. haha like he just asked his parents for ice cream and they were like.. no. and he whimpers and lowers his head and walks away... but then hey.. he got it the second time.. so i guess.
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Posted by Xena
2008-07-07 18:24:47
the trick

to getting super powers is just asking god.. but the catch is you gotta ask twice.. o and thats another thing.. after i tripped and stumbled over the first line.. thats not good.. i felt like a runner hwo just stumbled and tripped right after the gun shot.. i just wasnt expecting it.. i thought someone was saying.. first of all, but then i was thought now that couldnt be right.. the first war ever fought.. might be smoother.. but hey.. im not telling you how to do your job.. so anyway.. back to the praying to god thing... now the ending was just as limp as.. well nvm.. like, i assume that was a lightnbing bolt from zeus, or god, or whoever, not just an ironic.. well i guess its not really ironic.. unless hes dead.. you know like.. he prayed to god and alightning bolt striked him.. like if you were walking by you might think.. dang god really did give him poweers.. but then you find out hes just dead.. wow, talk about a case of the mondays.. sorry im babbling.. so okay some lightning bo
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Posted by Xena
2008-07-07 18:56:20
AY just listen to what im saying

so alright and hey who is this hunter guy.. is he actually gabrial and this is why hes getting these powers? ok so about the flaccid ending.. he prayed and a lightning bolt shot from the sky and hit him on the head and he was knocked out.. cmon now.. i thought this was supposed to be thee god, creator of heaven and earth, not pussy bitch god, or pussywillow or sandy vagina god.. when the bolt hit him you should of just added one of those 'bonk on the head' sound effects like in the three stooges.. you should of atleast had him knocked in the air a little bit.. and if you felt spry you could of had his shoes end up in some random freezer in a basement with some sluts panties tucked into them (true story), and therres smoke coming from them of course.. thatll convey what kind of power were dealing with here.. see what im saying? okay well.. i guess that concludes the longest comment in life.. sorry i was having fun.. but you know what.. dont change anything.. and if this is intended im
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Posted by Zombie Punk
2008-07-07 20:00:04
....

The no caps make the story a whole lot easier to read, man. good job taking flossy's advice. There were some grammer and spelling errors that need to be fixed. I liked this story, though. The plot (what i know of it so far) is pretty cool. I have a queston though; who DOESNT eat spaghetti with a fork? maybe the rednecks, i dont know.

I look forward in reading the next chapter.
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Posted by bubbly
2008-07-07 20:31:30
a good one

hi! jake.

for me the thought is important for this is the soul of any work. grammar/spellins r the icing on the cake. so i've liked the poem but if u want me to heartily prasie it, add that icing to this cake.

lol. ;-)
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Posted by flossy
2008-07-08 00:44:10
....

Ignore xena.She is bit of a nutter.And bubblehead does'nt even read the stories.She thought this was a poem,idiot.Listen to phil and brandon and make those changes.Goodluck.
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