I never heard you talking about it
or realized how you hit the floor

but i noticed all your fences
so I let you fight your secret wars

i know it would've been hard
being the only soldier on your team

but you could've recruited me
even if at your nightmares i gave a scream

you see, your imagination ran wild
sometimes it scared me

but i would've stayed quiet

if thats all you wanted to see

i know your passed out on the floor
the drink has become your execution

but the war is not over
your mind has only started its own pollution

it has boggled your memory
you feel so alone

but there is a crowd that surrounds you
that constantly screams,patient

came out of you little world
the war you fighting can be fought with a nation

put your gun away from your head

this monster you see is not your creation

Keyword: Secret Wars

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Comments (13)

Posted by Zombie Punk 2008-07-05 01:33:41 .... powerful shit. i like the style into it. Crazy Mary! take a bottle drink it up pass it a-round! sorry, im listening to pearl jam and got a song stuck in my head. + Report this comment
Posted by bubbly 2008-07-05 03:32:58 wonderful hi! monster. seems like u r making a comment on a mentally-ill patient. the private suffering of this person is all too intense. so intense that one'd want to scream with him. loved the thought. lol. ;-) + Report this comment
Posted by Pilgrim 2008-07-05 10:17:58 .... This was pretty good. Your rhyming ceases in a few areas and this can block the flow. I also noticed a few spelling errors, like, "your passed out" should be "you're passed out." "the war you fighting," should be "the war you're fighting." Should "came" from that same stanza be "come"? And also "you" should be "your?" Grammatically I couldn't understand the part, "that constantly screams, patient." Did you mean "that constantly screams, patience?" + Report this comment
Posted by Hodders 2008-07-05 10:21:28 .... I liked it as it kept me interested all the way through. A very powerful read! I thought the rhyming needed to be looked at and I think it needs to be edited a bit in places but overall I thought it was excellent. Keep 'em coming! + Report this comment
Posted by lemon 2008-07-05 13:14:36 .... This was really good! I think that you need to run a spell check, but it was still a very thought provoking poem. Great Job, keep it up =] + Report this comment
Posted by Xena 2008-07-05 18:44:34 oooh you little monster you.. gritty and twisty... except some of the lines were a little dark... and at the end how you wrote your self into the poem... i think i see what youre trying to do here.... + Report this comment
Posted by brandon_scott 2008-07-05 21:50:19 .... Good poem. I'm going to interpret it as being about alcoholism. I hope I'm right. Everyone else said what I want to say, only they said it better. + Report this comment
Posted by Something Indecent 2008-07-05 22:18:41 .... Pretty good. I like the title and the line about being the only soldier on your team. Good stuff. + Report this comment
Posted by jesse2008 2008-07-05 22:32:54 Good read Not bad, great title. This was a cross between a Military style story, but, turned into a poem. That's something new to me, still makes a good read. So keep the good work. Your Friend Jesse + Report this comment
Posted by r.e.potter 2008-07-06 08:11:27 .... I read it also about the battle with the bottle, with a style of military flair thrown in. The last line for me was very impacting. Well done. + Report this comment
Posted by soulwriter 2008-07-06 09:47:33 .... Quite a likeable poem, flows well. There are a few mistakes - using "your" instead of "you're" and not capitalizing "I". Also, there are a few lines that don't really work - the aforementioned "that constantly screams,patient" - are you saying the crowd is calling him a mental patient, i.e. insane? "it has boggled your memory" - you're thinking of "mind-boggling" and trying to use it to say "ruined your memory", that doesn't quite fit. + Report this comment
Posted by David Relic 2008-07-08 22:38:57 .... Very tense stuff. I deeply enjoyed it. I especially liked the part about the "drink has become your execution." Also, I thought the image you chose for it was dope. + Report this comment
Posted by Dirkin 2008-07-09 20:01:24 .... This was an allright poem, I think the message is a relevant one these days, especially for drinkers. I read this out loud and the flow was off. Try rearranging the lines to have the same syllables + Report this comment

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