Posted by elenalda
2008-07-04 23:14:45
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Cute and pointless, but I suspect this poem was more for your benefit than anyone else's. Try working on clarity; I had to read a line a few times to fully understand it.
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Posted by Zombie Punk
2008-07-04 23:17:28
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yeah agree with elenalda, this seemed more for your benifit but youre the writer so more power to ya! there seemed to be a shit load of spaces at the end, you might wanna fix that part.
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Posted by lemon
2008-07-04 23:21:14
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I think this poem holds a lot of emotion, but you don't expose the reader to the reasons behind them. Maybe if you expanded it a little bit to include the background it would make more sense to the reader. keep posting =]
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Posted by A.T.O.M.
2008-07-04 23:21:29
Thanks
thank you for your comments especially you zombie i want to have the descriptive power that you have in your stories my favorite is the dog
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Posted by Amatayo
2008-07-04 23:46:24
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Wow this seems like a totally different writer then your other poem. But one thing you need to work on is when you post your poem you need to space each sentence so it does not look so smashed together.
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Posted by lemon
2008-07-04 23:49:15
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I didnt think it looked 'smashed' together. I thought the way it was broken up was good. keep going A.T.O.M.
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Posted by Something Indecent
2008-07-05 00:01:37
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Could use some work but I thought that it conveyed a good amount of emotion and doubt. Good effort. Stay in the game and you'll do fine. Unless its postponed that is. Then we're all benched.
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Posted by Pilgrim
2008-07-05 10:25:15
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I know you put a lot of feeling into this poem, for I can sense it behind the words. Yet, I also see this is poorly written. The idea is good, yet, I believe you can find stronger words and a better way to write them. However, my personal opinion toward poetry without punctuation is always negative. That sort of poetry, to me, seems like a run-on sentence.
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Posted by philneale1952
2008-07-05 13:42:14
Strength
Having read all the above comments, and not being much of a poetry critic, all I can say is the words touched me. Anything else would be superfluous.
Phil
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Posted by brandon_scott
2008-07-05 21:45:36
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I think it was deep and meaningful, but the meaning was lost on me. Maybe I'm in the wrong mood. Four stars anyway.
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Posted by colemoriss
2008-07-07 11:53:52
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it was good. dramatic, and i know how you feel. or what the poem is describing. very good!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Posted by resistanceisfreedom
2008-07-07 21:24:03
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i guess i'll be repeating everybody else but i just was lost when i read this and i felt like it was poorly done. although i know if you took a better look at it and picked it apart and built it back up with some deeper emotion it could probably be a nice piece.
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Posted by June Eclipsis
2008-07-14 18:13:23
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This poem, too me, was quite a little too blunt. I felt a very apparant surge of emotions emmited from your poem, however, I felt that it wasn't expressed in a more "different" or "unique" way that often defines a good poem.
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