I'm Sorry / Memoirs of the lost soldier

There Is No Me Without You

You're all I think about, Watching you...

If The Sun Didn't Rise

IF THE SUN DIDN'T RISE BY JON STALK...

Written by Amatayo

Friday, 04 July 2008

I wake up and, it feels the same.

Just another day without you brings pain.

One more day for my heart to ache.

And one more time I remember my mistake.

If only I would have know your shoe was untied.

Maybe I could of grabbed you before the train had arrived.

But now I lay, feeling this remorse.

About how I stood there and, watched the end of your life course.

So I'm sorry Sis and I love you.

And I hope this letter can get to your grave from bellvue

////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

The sound of men screaming is heard all around.

While in between the silence there's gun rounds.

I sit and wander how could this be?

How did I get stuck in a war just about greed?

Why did the army have to see my name?

Putting me into a war for thing's my life out weighs.

I move with my squad just so I won't die.

But who knows how long with them I can hide.

My father says " Go to war and turn into a man."

But how can I do that when every where is sand.

I pray for the nights when this will end.

And I will never have to lift this gun again.

Keyword: I'm Sorry

Report this story | Add to Favorites | Send to Friends | Author's Profile

No Comments posted

Comments (17)

Posted by Amatayo 2008-07-04 21:51:07 .... It seems like the poem's rhyming kinda stop at the end. Does anyone else think so? + Report this comment
Posted by elenalda 2008-07-04 22:00:05 .... It's sloppy, to be sure. I can't tell if it's supposed to be serious, as well. If so: pretty terrible poem. If not: still not great, but at least its got a tinge of irony. Could have = proper version of "could of" "If only I would have know" should be "if only I had known" + Report this comment
Posted by Amatayo 2008-07-04 22:25:43 .... Yeah these two where not worked on for to long. This was just something I kinda coughed out. But I still put them out for enjoyment. And I would not say all that "elenalda". I mean some of your corrections where not needed because it could be written in both formats. And the poems where not my best but terrible come on we don't have to be using the "T" word. Especially after reading your story. "Yeah we can go there." Or I could tell you like you would in a story. " We don't have to go there like the streets of compton." And I know that's just one metaphor unlike your three hundred in one paragraph. But hey! I don't have that much time. + Report this comment
Posted by elenalda 2008-07-04 22:45:30 .... "Some of your corrections where not needed because it could be written in both formats"--not correctly. No one is stopping you from writing in bad grammar. Sometimes people like to write properly and my corrections were informed by that. I'm sorry to read that you think I would use a metaphor as terrible as the one you've just pulled out (and, matter of fact, "we don't have to go there like the streets of compton" is a simile!) I'm very sorry that you dislike the fact that I use metaphors. But I've put it in my profile--don't read my stories if you don't like thinking. Not my problem if you don't like my corrections--or my stories--or me. I'm just trying to help. + Report this comment
Posted by A.T.O.M. 2008-07-04 22:49:52 elenada i think your wrong the rhyming and story in this poem is what it should be and we can take a real lesson in writing from amatayo i want to write something like this actually + Report this comment
Posted by elenalda 2008-07-04 23:12:12 .... I'm sure that someone, somewhere, can take a lesson from this poem. Me? Not so much. + Report this comment
Posted by lemon 2008-07-04 23:18:31 .... The first poem sounded a little off, but since you said these were poems you just 'coughed up' you probably already know they need tweaking. The second poem had rhyme issues, but nothing that couldnt be fixed in re-write. Also, I respect your view and opinion on the war, but I felt that you made it seem like the Draft was in effect, which it is not. keep posting =] + Report this comment
Posted by Amatayo 2008-07-04 23:41:31 .... ( HA HA Ha ) elenalda that was quick and I did not notice that was a simile.( HA HA HA HA ) And I still don't know what you are talking about. " Bad grammer. + Report this comment
Posted by A.T.O.M. 2008-07-05 01:38:00 well what i see is that when you write poems (well maybe not all) you do whatever you can to rhyme i mean the poems good but just say what you feel deep down we all have it good job though + Report this comment
Posted by Zombie Punk 2008-07-05 01:41:19 .... I thought the first poem shit. didnt flow or rhyme well. second poem was a little better but still missing somthing. better luck next time, pumpkin. + Report this comment
Posted by Pilgrim 2008-07-05 10:35:02 .... This was okay. In the first poem, the end didn't quite feel right. In the second poem there was words that didn't go together, like "name" and "weighs." A few spelling and grammatical errors were also riddled throughout the poem. + Report this comment
Posted by Amatayo 2008-07-05 15:57:12 .... Zombie what the hell do you mean the first one was s***. I wasn't my best by far. But a poem is a poem and if you want to act like a girl do it on your on work. + Report this comment
Posted by Zombie Punk 2008-07-05 16:00:01 .... well, shit means garbage. it was just really bad. the rhymes felt forced. it had no flow. just crap. absolutly no good. but the first one was better (as i already said!). calm down, pumpkin. + Report this comment
Posted by Amatayo 2008-07-05 16:26:52 .... garbage no. sad flow so so. but hey i just have not been able to sit down and writ. + Report this comment
Posted by Amatayo 2008-07-05 16:28:53 .... and i am not a pie. if any thing im a diamond in the rough. + Report this comment
<< Start < Previous 1 2 Next > End >>

Post a comment

Last Updated ( Friday, 04 July 2008 )

< Prev		Next >

[ Back ]

I'm Sorry / Memoirs of the lost soldier

Subscribe to Feed

Short Stories Genre