Posted by Pilgrim
2008-07-04 20:23:29
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okay. Just imagine this, sometimes God looks down upon us and says, "Why me people? What have I done to deserve this?"
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Posted by Amatayo
2008-07-04 21:05:21
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While reading this I thought this was going somewhere but then it died. You might think of using a different ending. Like she reveals that she has spots or something.
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Posted by lemon
2008-07-04 21:11:10
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I think this speaks more of an inner 'spot' than a more obvious one.. i thought it was good, but it could have been a little longer in order to explain her emotions a litte better =]
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Posted by resistanceisfreedom
2008-07-04 21:38:11
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i felt like it started out all right but then just went absolutely nowhere.
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Posted by elenalda
2008-07-04 22:05:05
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They're right. This doesn't go anywhere. It's just whining about not being understood--which is fine. Lots of times poetry can be incredibly cathartic for people. They find a release in it. My advice? Don't release this on the web. Pin it up on the wall or send it to TeenInk or something. It's just not a very good poem. It doesn't have any emotional resonance and it doesn't tell what little of a story there is well. Maybe another style of writing would better suit you.
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Posted by jesse2008
2008-07-04 23:04:58
It's a good poem
I think it's a good poem, you wrote what you felt. And that's what poetry is about. The first part half was very strong, and it did fade away in the end.
But, you should not listen to Elenalda. You have to keep writing, no matter what. That's what storiesville is about, allowing writers to post their work no matter what.
Keep up the good work
Your Friend
Jesse.
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Posted by A.T.O.M.
2008-07-04 23:12:12
Yes
yes good poem but i think there should have been something at the end that made her different that would've made it a best poem but its still a good poem keep up the good work
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Posted by jesse2008
2008-07-04 23:15:33
I agree ATOM
I agree with that, the first part just hooked you in. The last part was okay, I think it just needed more emotion, to leave people breathless.
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Posted by brandon_scott
2008-07-05 21:38:16
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I can only agree with everyone else. I thought the beginning was strong, and you had me hooked, and then the end just left me hanging.
I also need to say that I truely appreciated Pilgrim's comment, with God looking down at us and asking us the same question that we seem to always ask Him.
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Posted by Xena
2008-07-05 23:11:45
what in the
hell are you talking about lady?? people are staring at her and then theyre not staring at her, then shes crazy now shes not crazy and shes normal.. what in the gadzooks
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Posted by Zombie Punk
2008-07-05 23:14:54
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that coming from xena really means something lol
like everyone else, i felt the beginning going somewhere but then it just dropped. like you just rushed it. rewrite it, is what i'd suggest. i got the meaning, though.
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Posted by indianaman130
2008-07-06 00:00:49
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Pilgrim said it all for me, God looking down on us going "Why do they chose to do that?" Everyone has choices in life. Id rather have choices than commands.
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Posted by bubbly
2008-07-06 00:43:06
heart-warming poem
hi! abby.
i can understand ur mental frame of mind about ur disability. but then u live from moment to moment. among friends, u forget about it and "be' a normal girl. and that's what u r. it is all in the mind, my dear.
many healthy people r actually "sick", be it physically or mentally. u accept and admit ur disability and that is ur strength. and there lies this poem's strength.
this is the best poem i've read as of now on this site.
keep writing from heart. lol. ;-)
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Posted by flossy
2008-07-08 13:29:01
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I read some comment advising you to try some other style of writing.If you love poetry do not give in.Just do what every one here does.Keep writing and practicing.Agree with most comments.Does need work but just keep working at it.
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Posted by chaabuk
2008-07-23 19:46:57
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Come over these feelings, girl. No one has the right to make you feel misreble. You are an entity and the fact that you are doing the same things even though with a handicap, is commendable. Three cheers to you.
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