Posted by fewix
2008-07-03 16:53:06
Nice
 
I'm a fan of poetry like this, and this piece really helped to clear my mind right now. Your choice of words are perfect for what you're writing. The use of "die" in stanza 3 was rather strong, perhaps lengthening that particular line or changing the "Is life just hard" part would make it better (For me anyway!)
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Posted by Amatayo
2008-07-03 17:07:54
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Uhh is this the same writer that wrote mind reader and Young Cruelty or did you get some one else to write this for you?
Uhhh
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Posted by Xena
2008-07-03 17:34:02
yea
im giving you a one cuz i dont think you wrote it... but if you did.. take it as a compliment
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Posted by Pilgrim
2008-07-03 19:41:28
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Pretty good, however, the words strife and die don't flow with the rest of the poem. Try, "Is this world hard, and then you lose your life?" Or something to that effect.
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Posted by resistanceisfreedom
2008-07-03 21:55:46
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i thought this was a really great piece. you took uncertainty and evoked it in such a beautiful poem. really good.
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Posted by slavetolove
2008-07-03 22:02:17
you know what
pilgrim i see that no matter what poem is written you have a problem with how its written but no one ever changes there poem so just keep it to yourself
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Posted by Zombie Punk
2008-07-03 22:05:02
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I'm sorry but I have to agree with Xena, I just cannot believe that you actually wrote this. And stop being an asshole Pilgrim is just giving a suggestion and is trying to help. And his advice makes the poem that someone else wrote a lot better. So stop being a hateful wanker and learn to take critism.
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Posted by elenalda
2008-07-03 22:45:34
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Forced rhyme, childish meter and content that is pure self-help drivel. I don't like to give comments without any praise at all, but I can't see anything worth praising in this poem.
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Posted by philneale1952
2008-07-04 02:17:14
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Sorry.........no I'm not....I'm a sucker for poetry like this, and I really don't care what the rest of you think.
It was structured, it rhymed (yes I know that poetry doesn't HAVE to, but that's just me) and there was a flow to it.
You either relate the verses to something in your life or you don't. We can't all hit the bullseye.
Some of the other stuff on here goes way over my head, but we don't all write in the same way.
Criticism could be a lot more constructive though. Try it one day, some of you may get to like it...
8/10
Phil
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Posted by A.T.O.M.
2008-07-04 14:29:33
good
i think the wording was great and so was the poem but some just don't having anything to do with we don't know why...like are we supposed to ask we don't know why before the sentence but it was still a good poem
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Posted by nishant1500
2008-07-10 11:01:20
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Neither pathetic, nor remarkable.
Some said the rhyming is forced - I felt just the opposite. Rhyming is pretty good.
I agree it's a very simple, but not in the least childish or naive.
Would like to read more woks by you.
Criticism of life is an incomprehensible theme, but criticism of a particular incident in life is comprehensible.
Comprehensible themes make deeper stories.
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