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Engine Trouble |
| Written by Philip Neale | |
| Wednesday, 02 July 2008 | |
OK, for all of you out there still confused by this entry, a little clarification is now forthcoming. It's a Spoof, and the main players in the drama are as follows:
Cast List University Grant...........................................Ullysses S. Grant Doodley Wilson............................................Dooley Wilson Load-of-Old-Bull..........................................Sitting Bull Clothes Horse..............................................Crazy Horse Rhubarb Custard..........................................George Armstrong Custer Tar't Custard................................................Tart and Custard C'wardy Custard...........................................Cowardy Custard Buggerd-If-I-Care........................................Geronimo Narrator......................................................Frank Drebbin (Played by leslie Nielsen)
The action takes place in and around the Montana Plains in the region of the Small Brass Trunpet River (The Little Big Horn). Hope this helps, now read and ENJOY...................................
The problems with the engines had been around for some years so it didn't really come as anything like a surprise when President University Grant received an urgent telegram from his deputy, Doodley Wilson. Wilson had indicated that the Steams had been gathering force under their new leader, Load Of Old Bull, and were preparing for a show down. This was a new development as the engines in general had tended not to co-operate with each other, choosing instead to operate in a hierarchy with the Tractions at the top. For many years this had worked in Grant's favour and he had been able to operate a system of divide, multiply, add and subtract which confused the hell out of the engines as they had neither fingers nor toes to count with and were therefore unable to understand what on earth he was up to. Now that they had formed their own armies he was faced with a serious problem. These armies came equipped with handies, each with four fingies and a thumbie; also a recent delivery of leggies (each with five toesies) had caused a considerable shift in the balance of power. Load Of Old Bull had held a meeting with the elders of the other engineering sheds. There were the Tractions, the Railways, the Pumps, the Beams and a number of other smaller groups of equipment. He would have to keep his eye on the more unruly elements among the fraternity and these were led by the truculent, unpredictable Clothes Horse and his brother Buggered-If-I-Care. There had already been one skirmish in the laundry room when Buggered-If-I-Care took exception to a comment made by Trouser Press, leader of the Steam Room Plant, and this kind of diversion could not possibly work in the Steams favour. There were a number of options available to University Grant, but all of them carried risks. He could negotiate a peace with the Tractions, as the largest group, and hope to split the opposition down their traditional tribal lines, but this may polarise the other engines into their own shed. He could sit the problem out and defy them all, relying on public opinion to carry him to victory on a wave of ‘anti-union valve' feeling. This was a long shot since the incident at Wounded Ankle when a member of the public was stepped on by Clothes Horse (he was wearing his steel shoes at the time) escaping from a group of pursuing engineering inspectors sent in by Grant. No, the sensible thing was to send for his best General, Engineer Rhubard Custard. Custard had served Grant, and those before him, bravely and loyally since his appointment fifteen years ago. Prior to that time he had been a Captain and a Major in the peanut industry rising to the rank of Kernel before Grant's head-hunters had located him. He knew that he should have used recruiting agencies but a trip to South America had sold him on the skills of the natives, and he imported a team of specialists for the work. Rhubarb Custard, or Ruby to his colleagues, was a known and fearless engine driver. He had driven them all in his time and Load Of Old Bull had crossed swords with him in the past. None of the pervious encounters had resulted in success for the engines and the closest they had come had been a goalless draw which they had lost on penalties two years earlier. He arrived at Grant's office punctually, carrying with him the design specifications of all the main working parts in Load Of Old Bull's group of Steams. He also had with him his Scottish nephew Tart'n Custard, a promising young fitter and son of Rhubarb's brother C'wardy who was currently working as chief inspector in the pudding industry. Tartan was learning the ropes, chains, pulleys and other lifting equipment under the eagle eye of Rhubarb's assistant, Falcon - a noted bruiser with a penchant for winging it. Grant offered them seats but Rhubard declined as he said that he had all the furniture he needed at home. The president asked them to take a turn around the grounds instead, but as Tart'n was allergic to seabirds of any kind they decided to hold their meeting in the library. The chairs here were not of a kind which Mrs Custard had in their lounge, so Rhubarb sat down. Grant told them that IT was serious but Rhubarb reassured him that a qualification in computer networking which he gained at the Open University would be all that was needed in the current crisis. The president gave him a worried frown - Rhubarb took it and put it in his pocket for later use (you never knew when one would come in handy). He updated the two of them with the latest news gathered by his deputy "Fingers" Wilson, a noted pianist who had worked undercover in the Steams nightclubs and Rhubarb gave him a knowing glance (not as valuable as a worried frown, but the exchange rate did fluctuate on a daily basis). Grant thanked him and said he would smoke it later. Getting close to the Steams would not be easy, he had tried it once and had gotten his fingers burned necessitating several days in hospital - still that nurse in the white starched uniform was nice. Load Of Old Bull was not one to be trifled with, even if you WERE using packet mixes, and some special equipment would be needed to bring him and his army of followers to heel. Incidentally, he thought, why are they called followers? Since Load Of Old Bull never led the way into a fight, how could they possibly follow him? Perhaps this was another one of the old devils tricks that he needed to watch out for. Grant smiled a knowing smile - he always did that when he knew something you didn't. Still it wouldn't be a knowing one if you already knew, and that would make you more knowledgeable or at least as knowing as him, and there would be no point to it then. He had, he said, a secret weapon. A weapon so cunning in its secrecy that even Grant himself was not really sure where he had put it, and would have to look in his safe for the note he had written telling him the secret location. Now if he could only remember the combination to the safe; ah yes, here it was on a piece of paper in the rim of his hat. The munitions boffins had come up with a revolutionary new gun. It was called the Windcheater Rifle and it was a multi-loading semi-automatic with full disaster recovery software as standard. It had a range of at least ten feet and came with a full money back guarantee. There would be enough of them to fully equip Custard and his team and all they had to do was sign on the dotted line because all breakages would have to be paid for. Custard cocked his head and Grant ducked for cover not knowing whether it would go off. Getting up off the floor he instructed Rhubard and Tart'n to gather the weapons and rid him of this accursed plot. Collecting his thoughts, Custard proceeded to the armoury. He didn't mind them wandering off on their own but they refused to take their watches with them, and were always late back The Quartermaster was out to lunch, so his deputy, the Eighthmaster, issued them with the rifles. Custard then wrote the customary insulting limerick to Load Of Old Bull telling him and his army to meet them outside at five o'clock for a right old punch up, and went home for a cup of tea. The Steams turned up right on cue but the billiard players told them to bugger off and find somewhere else to play. Moving off in a huff they made their way outside - it was a big huff, it had to be as there were so many of them. Custard had set up an ambush was ready for them when they turned the corner by The Small Brass Trumpet, a pub frequented by distressed musicians. It was annihilation and savagery at its worst. The new rifles had been armed with heat seeking oil pellets and every one found a target. There was nothing the Steams could do - their weapons, crafted for close combat were utterly useless. They slipped and slid to defeat and it was all over by half time. Grant was delighted with the day's events and promoted Custard to commander of his personal guard. In this role he followed an illustrious list of names including General Disaster, Major Jump and Captain Histeam. The final conflict against the Steam went down in history as one of the greatest military victories ever recorded. "The Battle of The Small Brass Trumpet" would forever be remembered as the day when Custard truly got his just desserts.
More Stories at www.lulu.com/content/2712200 Copyright 2008 Philip Neale |
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