“Look, Janet, I’m sorry. I just don’t eat strange doughnuts!”
People just don’t understand there are reasons for everything. It all started with this “Big Bang” which led to “Man” who in turn created “God” who created “Man” or something like that, but one way or another a doughnut was created for all Gods and Men to eat. Except me, I just can’t eat strange doughnuts and this is the story I told Janet who was kind enough to bring me some one morning.
“What the hell you mean “I just don’t eat strange doughnuts.”! I go out of my way, early in the morning mind you, and get some doughnuts to enjoy on our road trip and you won’t eat any? What the hell, you can’t take a gift or generosity?”
“No, no, nothing like that, its just some friends of mine in High School who were, and more than likely still are, crazy.”
“How the hell can your High School friends affect your doughnut eating habits today?
“Look, Janet baby, you just don’t know. Here, listen to me tell this story and you’ll understand. Back in school I had to wait for my friends to drop off their girlfriends.”
“You dated some skanky ***** in High School!”
“NO, honey, you know I was a virgin when we met, if you listened, I said I had to wait for them to drop of their girlfriends.”
“The way you said it sounds more like you shared them.”
“What? No way, wait, you don’t think?
“Whatever, you sure did get your freak out fast; go on with this doughnut story before you really try my patience.”
“Alright, well, Matt shows up after his girl’s curfew to pick me up to cruise, and I noticed he had one last glazed doughnut from some 24 hour place, so I asked him if I could have it. He said “You don’t want it.” I said, dude, I’m starving, I know you bought six of them, your girl ate one and you ate four. You don’t need it, just let me have it. He looked at me and said “Trust me, you don’t want it.”.”
“Well why the hell not John?”
“I’m getting to it; I got to set it up.”
“Set up’s are what happens to drug dealers, tell the damn story.”
“This is why we don’t go to the movies. Anyway, back to the story. I said come on, if you’re not going to let me have it, you got to tell me why I can’t. He looked at me and said “If you really must know, its my girls time of the month, she got me all hot and bothered, then like a true *****, said sorry about the blue balls, I got to go.”.”
“She said that?”
“No, if you’d quit interrupting, I was about to say; did your girl really say that? To which he replied, “Well, not in so many words, but it’s what she meant.”. Well what does that have to do with me not being able to eat the doughnut? “It’s easy, I’m 17, I’m horny, my girl just left me hot and bothered so I felt the only thing I could do was do the doughnut.”.”
“You got to be ******* kidding me, your crazy ass, horny high school friend relieved his sexual tension with the love only a doughnut could provide. Ok, so what? I don’t have the equipment for that kind of love, so eat one, besides, even if I did mess with your doughnut, you always say I taste sweet.”
“Wow Janet, now who’s the freak? But wait, it gets better.”
“Are you kidding me?”
“Seriously Janet, it only gets better. So I congratulated my friend on his new found discovery of loving pastry when our pagers started blowing up from a friend of ours. Justin just got off work at some grocery store where he worked in the fish department. We were bored, so we went and picked him up.”
“Did Justin smell?”
“Just like all the wonders of the sea. So I’m riding shotgun with fish man in the back while a guy with a pastry fetish drives with a strange dirty doughnut between us. I look back at Justin and say, “Dude, you won’t believe it; this doughnut here was the victim ……”.”
“What happened John?”
“Before I could finish my sentence and warn him, Justin had reached over the seat, grabbed the doughnut and stuffed a third of it in his mouth.”
“Ewwwwwwww, that’s just nasty! OH my GOD! Did you tell him!?”
“Hell no! But he just couldn’t understand why it sounded like I was dying or why Matt had to pull over or crash after he asked if we got the doughnut at some Chinese restaurant because the love hole was sweet and salty.“
“Your disgusting.”
“And that my dear is why I can’t eat strange doughnuts.”
via Email