Posted by Pilgrim
2008-06-30 21:51:22
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Near was struck? The first stanza is off-beat. That is not a good sign for the rest of your poem.
Catch me at the beginning and I might read the rest,
ruin the wording right away and it will never pass the test.
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Posted by slavetolove
2008-06-30 21:53:42
Well
actually the writing scheme is every other line rhymes with one another
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Posted by Pilgrim
2008-06-30 21:55:03
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And that is basic poetry 101. Still off-beat from the beginning.
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Posted by Zombie Punk
2008-06-30 22:11:26
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I did not like this, I am sad to say. It just didnt flow well. Umm...another thing, did you mean to call this poem Love at First SIGHT?
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Posted by Dirkin
2008-06-30 22:34:20
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I liked the theme and content of this, and I think the use of every other line rhyming is a good technique (I've used it myself). I think that in your attempt to have each line contain the same amount of syllables you have chosen the arrangement of some words poorly:
'And took my eyesight quite away'.
could be: far away, straight away,
'words from my eyes did start'
could be: began to start, burning blood flowed 'round my heart
Just keep playing with it. I hope you consider these suggestions as just that: suggestions. You need to be happy with the poem and noone else. I really like the last stanza too.
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Posted by Amatayo
2008-06-30 23:25:51
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This poem is really strange. But after reading dirkin's comment I saw that he was writing with rhymes coming together every other line. Which is strange but a new technique that I have never tried.
But to be honest that seems like a lazy way to write when if you can rhyme every line do it.
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Posted by philneale1952
2008-07-01 05:00:51
Structure
Disagree completely with the comment on the structure.
Poetry does not HAVE to be in rhyming couplets any more than it HAS to rhyme.
Alternate matching of the sounds lends a varied rhythm and the whole effect is very pleasing.
It sounds more classical when you recite it, and almost Elizabethan.
Maybe it's just me then, I thinks it's OK.
Phil
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Posted by resistanceisfreedom
2008-07-01 20:08:54
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i thought it was good. i did stumble a little bit while reading it but i liked the overall poem. and i liked the last stanza the best.
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Posted by slavetolove
2008-07-01 20:14:16
Okay
amatayo its not a lazy way everyone has a different way im just trying new things you should too...oh and i like your poems (hahaha)
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