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Little Red Me |
| Written by Jon | |
| Wednesday, 25 June 2008 | |
"Where are you going, Little Red Riding Jon?" the wolf asked, in a surprisingly polite and well-educated tone. "I'm off to my Granny's house for tea and some biscuits. I've also brought gin." I replied, taken aback slightly. I'd never met a talking wolf before, and wasn't quite sure of how to react. "Fancy a game of pontoon?" he pulled out a pack of cards from somewhere. Now, I love a good game of pontoon, but this was all a bit too much for me. "Ummm...maybe some other time, yeah? I've gotta go - my gin's getting warm. See ya later!" I quickly hopped off the path and into the trees, darting away as fast as my little legs would carry me. I didn't have a clue where I was going! After a little while, I stopped for a rest against a large oak tree. Panting away, I looked around to see if there was anything familiar. By an amazing stroke of luck (and, possibly, to make the story shorter) I was directly in front of Grandma's house. I got up and walked in through the front door. Grandma was in bed as usual. I always felt sorry for her, being stuck all day in bed like that. She wasn't ill - she was just incredibly fat and unable to move. She could roll on her side slightly, but this was an unpleasant experience for her and anyone watching. "Hey Granny!" I said cheerfully, as I strode up to her bed and whipped out a bottle of gin, "I've got your shopping and - Hey! What's up with your ears? They're looking bigger than usual." "All the better to hear you with, my dear!" she bellowed. Grandma had an unusually deep and loud voice for an 83 year old - This was one of the deciding factors in her winning the National Brian Blessed Look Alike competition back in 2003. That and her beard. "And what big eyes you have," I pointed out. "All the better to see you with, my dear." There was an unusual tone in Grandma's voice. "And you have one huge great mouth! I bet you could fit a whole cow in there! No wonder you're so bloody fat." "All the better to eat you with! Haha!" And before I could do anything she'd eaten me up! My own Grandma had eaten me! As you can imagine, I was livid. However, all was not lost as a few moments later, the talking wolf I had met from earlier burst in and blew Grandma's head off with an air-rifle that had an illegal spring in it. Thankfully, only my shoes had been digested, so I climbed out with a smile on my face, trying desperately to block out the awful, traumatic images that were flying through my mind. I thanked the wolf and we sat down, cracked open the gin and played pontoon. Copyright 2008 Jon |
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| Last Updated ( Wednesday, 25 June 2008 ) |
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