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A Story for Hannah |
| Written by Jon | |
| Wednesday, 25 June 2008 | |
Today I felt like a bit of a change and I thought that I might tell a story of someone else's crazy adventure. You see, it's not just me who has adventures, oh no, there are others too. This particular story concerns a friend of mine named Hannah. Hannah was gifted - not gifted in the sense that she was a great mathematician or a talented artist, no, Hannah had an extraordinary ability - she was a shapeshifter! However, there were restrictions. In fact there was one major restriction - Hannah could only change her form into that of a can of air-freshener (Woodland Pine scented). Now this may sound fairly useless (well, not always, I was in the bog the other day at work and I could have killed for some air-freshener, but that's a story for another time), but this amazing ability nearly destroyed life on earth as we know it. This is the tale of that fateful day, I call it 'The Day Hannah Nearly Destroyed Life on Earth as we know it'...
It was a typically cold but sunny day in the Antarctic. Hannah was happily going about her job, whistling a jolly tune as she shovelled penguin **** into a big pile in the corner of one of the many penguin stables situated just outside the research centre. Hannah had been there for nearly three weeks now, she couldn't believe how lucky she'd been - being offered the job as a shit-shoveller for the penguin research project had been a dream come true. She was a great lover of all animals, especially penguins - she remembered fondly her childhood days, riding her pet penguin to school, feeding it little scraps of food under the table at dinner time and eventually, as she got older, breeding penguins in the hope that she might create a giant super penguin that would one day rule the world. That's why Hannah had been chosen for this job - the Antarctic scientists were trying to create giant penguins too, and they were getting pretty good at it. Hannah's favourite penguin, Sally, was nearly six feet tall and could eat a man's head in one bite. It was Sally's stable that she was mucking out, and it was taking hours. Big penguins go for big dumps. In fact, on this particular day, Sally had squeezed one out the size of a photocopier, and it was taking a while for Hannah to clean it all up. As she shovelled away, Sally waddled in from the cold. "Hey there Sally" said Hannah affectionately, dropping her spade and going over to give the giant penguin a pat on the head, "You okay? You're not looking too well." Sally was looking rather pale (yes, penguins can look pale). Hannah gave her another friendly pat on the head. Sally shivered and belched loudly. "Hmmm, maybe I'd better get one of the scientists to have a look at you." Hannah picked up her spade and turned to walk out of the stable. She took a look at the poor penguin, and gave it one more pat on the head. This turned out to be a mistake because suddenly Sally began to convulse. There was a deep rumbling sound, Sally's eyes widened dramatically and she suddenly began to fart violently and uncontrollably! The initial blast blew Hannah out of the stable and onto the icy floor. She looked up to see the stable roof launch into the air. Green gas emanated from the building causing an unbelievable stench. It quickly occurred to Hannah that the stench could spread far and wide, causing terrible damage to the local environment. Hannah knew what to do - she'd been waiting all her life for this moment. Finally she could put her talents to good use - with a flash of light Hannah transmogrified herself into a can of Glade air-freshener. With all her might, she sprayed out a glorious pine scented perfume that filled the local vicinity. Now, the problem was that Hannah had been born in the eighties a few years before companies stopped putting CFCs into their aerosol products. This resulted in a sweet smelling catastrophe - the CFCs combined with the methane from the giant penguin fart and with a mighty boom, blew a hole in the ozone layer. And it was a bloody big one too. Scientists all over the world went crazy as they tried to fathom this sudden loss of ozone in the atmosphere. It was a terrible day. Of course if you ask Hannah about it now, she denies the whole thing. In fact, when I confronted her about turning into an aerosol can and breeding giant penguins she said I was crazy and called the police! Now I have to stay 500 metres away from her at all times. As for the hole in the ozone layer, I'm sure someone will come up with a cheap last minute way of fixing it. They always do. Copyright 2008 Jon |
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| Last Updated ( Thursday, 26 June 2008 ) |
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