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The Invention Of Uncertainty, Chapter 1


This story may contain adult content.
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Written by Kasi   
Monday, 23 June 2008
Image

One couldn’t see the sunset through the opaque dust; we are only to assume an orange glow, its luminous streaks penetrating the surrounding clouds. Altostratus ripples in the sky would make for a memorable vision.  Not tonight, not any night. These cumbersome carriages and their wooden wheels have seen better days. Days where traveling form village to village was exciting, I enjoyed it as a child, now these places all seem the same. Each township with its own trading post, allowing natives to trade their loom woven materials and animal hides for pennies. A few streets lined with well built homes belonging to wealthy businessmen and their families. A lodge for hard working men from out of town to buy a decent meal. The railroad development that has stretched its veins across the barren land in an attempt to connect capital cities to the states they feverishly fought against just a few years ago, seems to have made it to every municipality before we have. My discontent is unbearable, almost.

         We moved through the town of Sharsville,  it's rare to find a need of laborers anymore; we tried to remain hopeful, and we needed campground for the night, same as the day before. A small voice trembled at my side, “ I  hope Josiah finds work here”. “Me too” I said, being careful not to show my doubt. All thoughts were suddenly broken by roaring voices that bounced off the store fronts that lined the street. The carriages slowed to a stop. Countless men had blocked the narrow avenue making it impossible to pass. One stood out amongst the rest waving his pistol, boisterous and drunk. Other men stood behind him as if to condone his behavior with stern faces, ready to draw their own weapon if the mood should strike them.

Ella and I peered out of the carriage trough its canvas veil. We had made it a game when we were younger to cover our ears and read each other’s lips, this an effort to better understand each other while the horses ran at full speed, sending the carriage colliding with stones and rough earth making it impossible to hear. “Can you tell what he is saying”, she asked. “No”, I replied, “he moves too rapidly”. We both jumped with horror when the first crack of a pistol rang in our ears. Josiah held the reins tightly as the horses moved restlessly, trying to free themselves. Everywhere onlookers swarmed like bees, taking refuge. Women picked up their children and ran, while younger men stayed within earshot to entertain their curiosity. My brother being one inched off of the carriage. “Josiah, don’t leave us here” I shouted. “ I need to speak with the others, you and Ella come with me.” He tied off the horses while gently speaking to them, calming their nerves.

We made our way to the next carriage with familiar faces. Seth and Juliet were siblings too, traveling with their mother. All the nomads in our tribe of three wagons are the product of war. Our fathers killed by men defending their state, in a heated battle for slave rights in a territory that they did not own. Growing together and keeping each other alive, we have traveled vast lands following the sunset looking for the unfamiliar and possibly a new home. Josiah sent Ella to the third wagon; to further shield her from the violence. This wagon belonged to Lucas and his younger brother, Alby. The two fought constantly revealing their lack of male guidance, but all the same they were strong and would be capable of defending themselves or a female if needed. Their mother died two years ago from a combination of cancer and ritual bloodletting, as their father and two older brothers never came back from the war, giving us more in common that we ever wanted. This was a sensitive subject never to be debated, “ This war displaced our lives and made orphans of the children that compassion had created.” Lucas would say to whom ever asked of their situation.

The man with the gun seemed to loose all sanity and aimed his pistol at innocent bystanders. Jessamine heard him clearly this time,” I’ll shoot any of ya if you don’t free my son, right now.” As if to say they have had enough, two men behind him inched closer, one grabbed the man’s shoulders while the other reached for the gun. Freeing the pistol from the crazed man, and bringing him to the ground in a dusty arrest. The man tried to wiggle free, but couldn’t.  Nothing had been wounded except the innocent presence that had filled that day before they entered Sharsville.

  Soon the street was open again with passing horses, and the resonance of voices. Josiah and Seth went in search for a proper place to camp, leaving the women behind with the last wagon. Lucas looked at Jessamine as she walked toward him, a single look would say more than a single word could ever express. "Will you help me, or not?"

 

To Be Continued.

 

 

 

 



Copyright 2008 Kasi
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Comments (12)
Posted by lemon
2008-06-24 16:16:19
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I thought it was an interesting story. There was a lot going on it seemed, but you were very descriptive. keep it coming =]
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Posted by cookingWine
2008-06-29 10:24:28
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I'm not much for poetry, in knowing technicalities of it or even being able to enjoy it.

But I know a pretty fair amount about structure and content in stories, and boy, you sure do too.

I'll sum it up and say, I really hope you continue to write more stories for simpletons like myself who don't eye the poets.

There is a hell of a scene built here. A real image filled with real substance. Very solid job on that. The best part about your descriptions were that they were involved in the story as opposed to split into a different section. Flow isn't just about word choice, it's about content choice, and this is remarkable in that respect.

As for characters, I don't know them yet. The important part is; I'd like to. Since this is only step one, I feel step two will let me in a little more to them.

It seems like your strength is unleashing relentlessly uncommon diction in a manner that can be related, is enjoyable, and not pretentious or up it's own ass. So fitting word choice is what
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Posted by cookingWine
2008-06-29 10:31:45
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I'm rooting for here.

Hm.

I like how the action wasn't over-the-top. It was subtle enough that it could be secondary to the descriptions and the setting, which is a change in focus that I like.

The dialogue is the only thing that I can point and wag my finger at. There are many ways to do it, but one of the universal rules of dialogue is that it implies more than it says. In a story, you have to convey facial expressions, tones, mannerisms, everything into a " ... ". The way you do this is by splitting different speakers into different paragraphs, using punctuation to create the natural space that comes in conversation or speaking, and ultimately, highlighting what's important. I think you need to be more aware of what the characters are saying and why they are saying it, and making us pay attention to it instead of hiding in a paragraph. Split it! Give it it's own! Even if you don't want to base the story on dialogue, it's still one of the most powerful tools in describing a charac
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Posted by cookingWine
2008-06-29 10:37:01
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ter without doing it blatantly. Since you seem to work more in the sublime than the outrageous, I think that would be a good trait for you to develop.

“Josiah, don’t leave us here” I shouted. “ I need to speak with the others, you and Ella come with me.”

Where's the excitement or the tension there? When I read that, I imagine a monotone speaker like a bad actor in an elementary school play. Going through the motions as opposed to owning it.

I'm not going to try and dictate your style, that's all you, but things like incomplete sentences and line spacing can really help create tension and urgency in dialogue.

Well, that's about all I have to say here. As always with my comments, you can tell me to fuck off via comment or what have you. Just throwing my two cents in.

Or if you want more, tips on specifics or anything, throw me a message and I don't mind continuing.

Bottom line; if you continue, I'd like to see more.

Keep on.

-cs.
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Posted by d.dasgupta
2008-06-30 10:12:51
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I read you with interest, though probably not with much understanding of the background. Nonetheless, I felt connected to three distinct features of your history and culture (I mean America). The first one is the simplest -- the sort of things one gets to see in Westerns. The second was slightly deeper -- the American Civil War. And finally, I thought I remembered a scenes from the Grapes of Wrath. Since I am a complete foreigner, I could be wrong on all three counts. However, I did enjoy reading and am looking forward to more. I am not much into poetry, so your stories will be the ones I shall watch for. You write well. I could visualize things so clearly, as though someone was painting a picture.
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Posted by d.dasgupta
2008-06-30 10:15:12
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Correction:

And finally, I thought I remembered scenes from the Grapes of Wrath.
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Posted by Kasi
2008-06-30 11:52:11
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I haven't read The Grapes of Wrath yet, I looked up the plot and I can asure you that this story will not reflect the tale that Mr. John Steinbeck wrote, other than the fact that they share the same time and western essence. Thank you for your comments I will post the second part as as I am finished.
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Posted by Zombie Punk
2008-07-07 04:41:02
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This is a really cool story. Its like the depression in the Wild West. The descriptions were just right, you painted a clear picture of the scene into my head and it was easy to visualize. You must either have a really good vocabulary or you went crazy on a thesaurus. But either way that doesnt make the story any less addicting. And let me tell ya, this was like crack. But the good kind! if there's a good kind of crack this is it! i'm already jonesing for the next installment. cant wait for the next chapter.

oh yeah, i really like the title.
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Posted by indianaman130
2008-07-08 11:19:52
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I read part 2 first, saying that, part 1 seems too fast, almost like you moved your paintbrush across the canvas too fast and didn't leave the detail you wanted or i need. couple of verb issues, "were" a product of war, small things like for grammar. the man with the gun, when he shot it people scattered, but then 2 men were behind him? and the shout about freeing his son. in my opinion, with your ability to hold a scene in your minds eye, the guy with the gun part could be a great intro. still good, i just thought part 2 was better, as it should, since it was written later. more you write the better you get.
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Posted by Kasi elaborated
2008-07-08 11:24:05
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yeah, I need to revise it. But as in most stories (not trying to give too much away) what happens in the beginning may come back to haunt the rest.
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Posted by Kasi elaborated
2008-07-08 11:45:48
Thank you!!

I like 'are' the product of war, 'were' is past tense since they still are and always will be forever changed by that war. And... This part moves fast as a way to kind of convey the hostility that they are going through. The second part slows down to show a sense of peace..The two men- will be explained in a later chapter, I know it seems weird not being able to read the story in its entirety, but hang in there it will all pan out. Thanks for all your help!
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Posted by JonStalk
2008-08-22 20:57:26
Well Written

I enjoy your poems, and this story is no different. It seems you have something bigger to say, which I believe is the key to any good story. Your writing is fantastic; the description, dialogue and the inner thoughts of the characters. The only thing I would change is that I would put the dialogue in their own paragraphs. I'll be reading part 2 shortly ")
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Last Updated ( Saturday, 05 July 2008 )
 
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