Warning: Bad Humor. Not funny. I am not good at humor. If you like Britney Spears, DO NOT READ THIS!!!!

Britney Spears (born Bridget Pierce) was once a little girl living in Metropolitan Detroit. She grew up there with her two guardians: her uncle and a Japanese giant spider crab. Kicked out after discovering her taste for crab, she ventured off to Hollywood after knowing of its closeness to the Pacific Ocean, only to find out that it was a place inhabited by actors and celebrities, not crabs. She lived as a homeless teenager, which would be obvious for such an expensive location, feeding on garbage and stray cats.

Her interest in singing didn't rise until after she was offered a buffet at a seafood restaurant by its owner after hearing her sleep. Her snores apparently rang through the walls of every building, so he offered anything if she would just stop. He asked her if she wanted a lollypop. She declined. He offered her a Playgirl magazine.  She agreed, but it kept her awake for so long afterwards that her snores became worse from her lack of sleep. In frustration, he asked her if she wanted to have a free all-you-can-eat buffet. She agreed, but he eventually went bankrupt in just two days.  She was afterwards unable to snore anymore, to her despair. Attempting to get more crab, she began singing as a way of bothering more men, since it caused all of them to consistently ejaculate in their sleep. Again, they offered her everything. And so, she gained weight again, weighing close to 509 lbs at the age of 17. Of course, that was a lie, since her singing techniques were so bad, they caused her to bloat excessively, giving her the impression of being fat. She only weighed 278.

Hollywood's seafood restaurants went bankrupt within five weeks, and so Bridget was devastated. Yet, there was luck coming in her way. Her obsession changed from crab to chicken. She used her singing again, belching and passing huge amounts of gas after each session as a negative reinforcer. After KFC Chicken lost to her enormous daily meals, they recruited her to McDonalds. The cycle repeated itself until eventually, her obsession transferred to money in desperation for the loss of food to eat. Discovering paper bills and coins impossible to digest, she became grossly underweight. Then, discovering how she was constantly surrounded by female fans and how money contributed to grocery stores...

[The rest of this article has been chopped off for the following reasons:

1. Word Count Limit For Uninteresting Topic

2. The following content is inappropriate for people ages 99 and below.]

Keyword: Britney Spears: A Biography

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Comments (5)

Posted by sTiCkFiGuRe 2008-06-23 15:37:53 .... If you know this is stupid,,why put it on here. + Report this comment
Posted by Behind_the_Mask 2008-06-23 15:55:49 ... So that is why....i always wondered who she was... none the less i thought it was hilarious. + Report this comment
Posted by Dirkin 2008-06-24 00:40:37 .... That is the most interesting thing I have ever read about Britney spears. I had no idea she was so strange. She really comes across as a sane person with her life under control, you know, a good role model for kids...and a good mother... wait... um... no wait she is actually as fucked up in real life as she is in you story, just in different ways. As far as I'm concerned this was an amusing story that had a quirky charm to it. Good job. Crab mmm + Report this comment
Posted by Zombie Punk 2008-06-25 14:02:01 .... You know, i read somewhere about her crab uncle but I just thought it was a joke. Now i know the truth. Great Funny Story! + Report this comment
Posted by chaabuk 2008-08-09 13:05:29 Brit! I had written a poem "The Bald Girl", part of which was about Britney shaving her head. Your poem reminded me of her infamous act. Even you didn't escape her charms. Good work. + Report this comment

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