All the things I've said and done were really never meant to cause you harm. I lived my life so selfishly without any regard to how my choices would affect you. Strange how during the days that I spent stoned out of my head, I can't remember many details, but I always remember the look on your face when you would be there to witness my stumbling steps into the house after a night of partying. The look of disappointment there, of hurt and fear. I never understood that. I always thought I was only hurting myself and there was no reason for you to feel that way. I understand now I was wrong, that I was hurting you by not living up to the daughter you knew I could be but wasn't. Later on, after I got myself together, knowing that you had higher standards for me made me push myself harder to try to be what you wanted me to be. I never succeeded though. I'll always blame myself for that. I always saw the sadness in your eyes. The knowledge that I wasn't what you'd hoped for when you had looked into the eyes of the little girl I once was. The little girl who was so full of promise who would turn into the girl of disappointment. Back then you had so much love for me, before I turned into ..well, me. I hope this letter of apology finds you well, in heaven where I always knew you would go. Please forgive me for doing what I knew I had to do. For now I no longer dread seeing the look in your eyes that screamed of my inadequacy, for your eyes can no longer express those feelings and judgments. I will live the rest of my days enclosed in a different kind of prison where I am both confined and free. Confined from the world outside these walls since I am now deemed unsafe to be in society, and free. Free from your heart piercing eyes. Free to be myself. Unashamed.
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