Nine o'clock I got the call.

 My wife found dead in the hall.
 

  The officer said he needed me.

  To claim her body and for me to see.

  There I sat in the station.

  Hoping to god they where mistaken.

  And there it was a second call.

  The ID read some thing off the wall.

  It was my wife from her car.

  I answered quick to her alarm.

  Told my wife I really loved her.

  And for now on I'll make the supper.

  Out the station I did so fly.

  For my wife I thought had died.

  In my act I did not see.

  A small blue Honda racing at me

  Me and the car we did collide

  But certainly I survived.

  In the hospital room my wife had sat.

  Holding my daughters old nap sack.

  She stood up with red eyes.

  For I thought she knew I died

  With my hands I called her over.

  But her face showed it wasn't over.

  My whole family filled the room.

  I'm not dead you came to soon.

  A joke I thought would not matter.

  But everyone had stopped all there chatter.

 With courage my wife did speak.

  And suddenly my life turned so bleak.

  For there where no words I could say.

  That would change this awful day.

 For the one who died just last week.

 Was my daughter in her sleep.

Keyword: Mistaken

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Comments (16)

Posted by Zombie Punk 2008-06-22 00:50:39 hmm... - Hard to follow, doesnt flow to well + Some good rhymes, and once you read it a couple times and understand the story you're telling it is really great. + Report this comment
Posted by Amatayo 2008-06-22 01:05:20 What it means The story is of a guy who gets a call from the police saying that his wife had died and that he had to go and clime her body. As he sat in the police station he gets a call from his wife. Being happy that it could not be his wife he runs out of the police station and gets hit by a car. When he wakes up a week later in the hospital he is surround by his family where they break the news that the week before it was not his wife who had died but his daughter. + Report this comment
Posted by Zombie Punk 2008-06-22 01:07:21 Okay i kind of thought that, but wasnt exactly sure. man, that guy has shit for luck + Report this comment
Posted by Xena 2008-06-22 03:48:15 amayayo alright mayo man.. im glad you gave this five stars... but this just wasnt good.. i dont think alot of people understand if you want to write a rhyming poem it needs to have rhythm... get it? that means not just rhyming the last words of every other rhym..but thats not the point.. cause even if they dont do that they still have a good poem and the words that rhyme make sense and have good flow.. this.. really didnt... like punk said this guy must have shit for brains..and i mean what century did this guy live in?.. mayo... i just dont know about you + Report this comment
Posted by June Eclipsis 2008-06-22 13:27:55 ... I'd advice you not to take Xena's words seriously, since her comments curve towards the negative in virtually 75% of all that she has posted and may show a lack of intelligence when coming into contact with truly extraordinary poetry (she's a more of a story commenter by nature.) However, I have to say that editing isn't where you should first step your foot in after all these comments. You're down to the level of proofreading, mister. + Report this comment
Posted by brandon_scott 2008-06-22 14:16:39 .... I would advise you to take Xena seriously, and to take June Eclipse seriously as well. Rhythm is a very important ingrediant to a good poem. Your poem really didn't have it. Your poem also didn't rhyme that well. For me, it's not enough for the words to kinda sound the same (i.e. "past" and "grasps", or "station" and "mistaken"). In a rhyming poem, the rhyming words should rhyme. I think that the story behind the poem is also pretty hard to follow. When you explained it, then I understood, but having to explain it kinda defeats the purpose of telling the story with the poem. + Report this comment
Posted by sTiCkFiGuRe 2008-06-22 14:57:22 A 2 for effort What in good Gods name possesed you to write this. Ok, that was a tad harsh, and im a nice guy. There seems to be a lot of advice going on here about this poem, but don't listen to um, listen to me. BURN THIS <3 + Report this comment
Posted by Amatayo 2008-06-22 15:50:10 Yes Thank you every one for your comments I understand what you mean by it is hard to follow if any thing this is a miscellaneous story more then a full fledge poem. And do not think that your comments are falling on deaf ears I always listen and then try to put them in use for my next poem. So thank you every one for your comment negative or not they helped. + Report this comment
Posted by Something Indecent 2008-06-22 16:20:33 .... Yeah what all those people above me said. Some of the lines seemed forced. Like a puzzle piece that doesn't fit but you jam it in anyway. If you rework it I'm sure you can come up with something better. No one can blame you for trying though. + Report this comment
Posted by Zombie Punk 2008-06-22 18:34:51 .... its 7:33 + Report this comment
Posted by Amatayo 2008-06-22 18:54:39 .... he must be in California its 5:53 here + Report this comment
Posted by Zombie Punk 2008-06-22 18:55:39 .... ha ha thats funny if its true i remembered he said that only gay people lived in california + Report this comment
Posted by Dirkin 2008-06-25 00:41:09 .... interesting, but I find the backwards sentences a bit strange: Me and the car we did collide and With courage my wife did speak. Otherwise, I think you created a decent tale with this poem + Report this comment
Posted by topsyturvywords 2008-06-25 14:29:26 .... that was nice but some words are not appropriate it seems like they were their so that each last words would rhyme but honestly that was quite creepy you've done it pretty good. i'm starting to like your works and i'll check them each tim,e i have time.nice! + Report this comment
Posted by Pilgrim 2008-07-04 18:15:21 .... This was okay. Some words didn't fit, or were either mispelled. Mispelling of words can be a hindrance to those who are trying to read your poetry. To get a better appreciation out of your message, make sure you critique your work a little better. + Report this comment
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