"Another Man's Trash is Another Man's Treasure" pt. 4
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Written by alyreche
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Monday, 30 July 2007 |
These last couple of days has been really aggravating because I am really feeling the pain of loneliness. Summer is almost over and I have wasted so much of it dwelling in the past. I speak to my friends and they try and convince me not to move backwards. Grant I do still love Ryan but I am a new Zoë now and I am not looking back. I thought I could break Ryan with the flier but I realize I only hurt myself. I know he hurt me time and time again but I can’t keep seeking revenge because I believe he likes this war. I think about Ryan because I have no one to occupy my time and I am making myself miserable. I just wish he knew what kind of jerk he really was. I want my family back so bad and all I see is it deteriorating because he feels that sex, drugs and money is what it is all about. I fell in love and got taught a lesson. My sister says that Ryan wasn’t ready for a commitment yet but I feel eight years and two kids later, what the hell he was waiting for? I have no idea. I never met a man so arrogant and nasty and he has nothing to show for it. What can I do to get this man out my head? I am talking to men and they are not moving me like I expected. The guy Gary well he is becoming a fly in my ear and I really don’t think he is the man for me. We spoke on the phone last night and I kept removing the phone from my ear as he spoke. I can’t deal with a man that doesn’t know his heritage. He is Dominican but he prefers to act ethnic and ghetto. I don’t get him and he talks so loud and uneducated. I feel like these are signs for me to be alone. Sam is still in jail as far I know and even though our night of listening to him mon wasn’t meaningful I still wanted to take our friendship to high places. He was one of the only men that actually took me to an expensive restaurant on our first date. I really liked his company. I just need someone to take my mind off Ryan and speaking to people is not going to help me. I need action and I need it now! I am losing weight and I don’t even feel good about myself. I want a dream that can’t become reality. I want my best friend’s life. She has a husband that actually takes care of her and they have great sex and he honors his kids. They have been married a while and my time for marriage has come and gone. Even at their wedding Ryan humiliated me and made me feel like an idiot. He tried to make me jealous with the matron of honor but the next day it was another story. I have been in this game too damn long and I feel like I am not winning. Who is going to be my knight and shining armor?So after erasing Sam’s number out my phone and cursing him to damnation, he calls me from jail to say hello. He said he missed me and that’s unbelievable because I really didn’t know he had those types of feelings for me. He wants me to come visit him but I don’t know because I never saw myself going to a jail again. I really like Sam as a friend and I know he can serve a financial purpose with me but I am also not interested in making trips to visit him in the penitentiary. After speaking to him for about four minutes I still ended up thinking about Ryan and feeling more down than ever. Why is he feeling one way and I am feeling another? I see his car and I want to cry and he seems so happy now. I don’t see him with Candy but I know he still sees her and others for that matter. I sit at work and I just ball into tears as I am typing. Where ever I go I see something that reminds me of him or our past and I reminisce about our time together. I wish I had a crystal ball where I could see what he doing and thinking. My heart tells me he has moved on but we have been through so much I don’t think it’s over but I don’t think I can go back if I wanted to. Sam on the other hand is respectable and very sweet but not for me. I am not looking for long term anyway but I still need that connection just like I had with Jonathan. It’s so crazy because when Jonathan and I were dating I really felt like this could be it with us. I really felt like we were making love and not just having some good sex. My feelings died so quick and that brought me back to thinking that I am still in love with Ryan and no man can take his place. As an intelligent woman I should never think so insecure and idiotic but it seems like I have no will to move on without this man.As time is going by though it seems like its getting worse for me. I vision Ryan with other women and having other children and I can’t deal with that conclusion. I had a good friend and he treated me like a woman and I pushed him out my life, searching for flaws intentionally and now I am thinking about doing the same thing with Sam. I just want what I want and that’s it. As for Gary well like I said I am not interested in someone like him but he is sweet and handsome. Every time I call him I just get turned off within 30 seconds into the conversation. I just need laughter, pleasure, good looks, money, fun times and no strings all wrapped into a blanket of drama free intimacy. It’s nothing wrong with being together without a relationship as long as we both respect our needs and treat the friendship like treasure and not like trash. I don’t know where or who I will end up with but I do know this, I can’t go back. Stay tuned for pt. 5
Copyright 2007 alyreche
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Last Updated ( Wednesday, 01 August 2007 )
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