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My Testimony, Chapter 3 |
| Written by Reginald Levi Walker | |
| Monday, 09 June 2008 | |
 A dynamic peace in the center of my soul
Two years into our marriage, we were given some bad news after Velda went for her routine physical. She had tested positive for HIV. This news devastated us. I helplessly watched as she slowly withered away to only a shadow of her former self. I foolishly placed my hope in all the expensive experimental medications that the doctors had quickly prescribed to her. I hoped and prayed that they would work. Nevertheless, three short but wonderful years from the day we married, my precious wife died.
A few months after we buried her, the doctors gave me the same news. Sitting in the doctor's office, I knew the words I would hear. The doctor tried his best to be gentle and kind with his words. However, there is not a gentle and kind way to tell a man that he is going to die.
"You tested positive for HIV, Mr. Walker." The doctor nervously said.
"I know," I replied with out lifting up my head to look at him.
"So what do you want to do?" was the next question.
During the lonely months after Velda died, I had taken some time to think. She died and whatever she had, I had contracted. My chances, of not being HIV positive, were somewhere between slim and none. I was an AME preacher and that meant I had no health insurance. All the money Velda and I had saved was spent and gone a long time ago. I was not sick enough to receive disability. All I could do was fall to my knees and cry, "My God, what am I going to do?"
That is when I experienced God. I had experienced the presence of God before after being baptized by the Holy Spirit. This was no where near the same type of experience. I experienced a dynamic peace in the center of my soul. Then, I heard the voice of God reply, "By my strips, you are healed. All things are possible if you choose to believe." For about fifteen minutes, I experienced God and I chose to believe every word He said.
Yes, I thought about killing myself, but I could never do that. I considered trusting the doctors and hoping they would find a cure. I use to live my life afraid of getting sick. I was just trying my best not to die. Then I found myself in the doctor's office faced with the choice of my life. The doctor asked again because he thought that I had not heard him the first time. "Mr. Walker, so what do you want to do?"
I finally lifted my head from silently praying to God and I heard my spirit man reply aloud, "Well, Doctor Allen, I do not know what you are going to do, but I am going to believe God."
That day I made my choice. That day I stood my ground on the word of God. The Scriptures state, "By His stripes, I am healed." I decided to believe God. The Scriptures also state, "Anything you ask in Jesus' name, that too the Father will do for you." I decided to believe God. I have heard it preached as a young boy by my paternal grandfather, Rev. Roosevelt Leon Walker, Sr. I have read it many times as I studied under my late father, Rev. Roosevelt Leon Walker, Jr. I have also preached about faith in God, myself, for over twenty-five years. Therefore, I must choose to believe God.
I have made my choice. I decided not to live my life trying my best not to die. I decided to live my life trying my best to live. I did not decide to trust in the wisdom of man, because man's knowledge is foolishness unto God. I did not choose the doctor and the pills because like the woman with the issue of blood, my money was completely gone and I did not want to deal with the deadly side effects from the medication. I did not choose God because life had me backed into a corner. I did not choose God because I had become HIV positive. I had made my choice at the age of nine when I ask God to save my soul. It was now time for me to stand up and grow up. HIV forced me to mature from being just a child of God into living my life as a man of God.
On May 29, 2008, it will be twenty-two years since I married Velda. If I could, I would do it all over again. It has been twenty-two long hard years. I still will not take any medication that the doctors want to prescribe to me. I read what the Scriptures had to say and I decided to take God at His word. Yes, I still test as HIV positive and the doctors still ask me the same question. "What are you going to do?" Some have even questioned, "Why are you not doing anything about your disease?"
I just smile and reply; "I have done something about it. I prayed to God and He said, 'By my strips, you are healed.' And I choose to believe God." Twenty-two long hard blessed years later, I still choose to believe God. My life is not as easy as some would think; nevertheless, my life is full of difficult choices. Even when the test confirms that I am still HIV positive, I still choose to believe God. Moreover, I thank God that by and only by His grace and mercy, I am still alive.
I have made up my mind, that even if science could somehow prove that God does not exist, I would continue to believe God. If some archeologist could somehow discover the deteriorated remains of the man that we called Jesus, the Christ, I would continue to believe God. My faith is not built upon the things that I see. I do not believe only when things turn out the way that I would want them to be. My faith is built upon the substance of things hoped for and the evidence of things not seen. I choose to believe God.
My Choice
Yes, I have made up my mind.
If some archeologist could discover
My faith in God is not constructed
My faith is assembled upon
In any situation, this is my constant stand. Copyright 2008 Reginald Levi Walker |
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