I wonder if she could hold the whole

of my dark and heavy soul

across shoulders so beautiful and bold

nestled next to a neck sculptured

for my lips to impress a soft sense

of intamicy.

Hair the color of fire

eyes full of desire

a body made for all the mad things humans are built to feel

How do you say hello to Venus?

How do you start a conversation with a goddess?

I am but a mortal man, just a witness

to times eternal passing who is blessed

to have eyes that spy beautiful souls who pass me by

as my heart freezes and my loins murmur "my oh my!"

How can I be sly with slick words

and smooth moves to trick this goddess

into allowing the whole of me into the center

of her

All while I wonder if

she could hold the whole of my dark and heavy soul

across shoulders so beautiful and bold.

Keyword: Could She?

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Comments (8)

Posted by lemon 2008-06-05 14:45:10 .... I liked what you wrote however, I think that the format it's in makes it a difficult read. I think if you broke it up into stanzas like in a poem, it would be better. JMHO :) keep posting + Report this comment
Posted by Behind_the_Mask 2008-06-05 16:44:34 ... It’s a bit difficult to read, but I thought what you wrote to be powerful + Report this comment
Posted by Dirkin 2008-06-05 19:11:25 .... Very deep. Is this a poem? or a small story narrated like a thought? + Report this comment
Posted by indianaman130 2008-06-06 13:21:27 .... the thought was the first line then i just went with it freestyle and ended with the same thought line. just playing with style and format like E.E. Cummings. + Report this comment
Posted by June Eclipsis 2008-06-12 08:56:38 Uh... I think the only reason why it was good is because the ending and the beginning sort of worked as an opening and closing, and looped the whole thing into a circle-type thing. If that wasn't there, it would have been more like a long ramble. Each topic or idea was too brief and so it seemed very choppy. You are very lucky to have gotten away with this by repeating the first phrase at the end. I would, however, suggest that you go a little further into each idea. + Report this comment
Posted by anozira 2008-06-12 13:06:55 well I happen to like how it was written. Sometimes things are better left simple, short, to the point and not "as everything else is". The writing style, I think.. makes it more passionate. And yes, also loved the loop from beginning to end. bravo! =) + Report this comment
Posted by D.A. Ross 2008-06-13 00:32:49 RE: could she Thank You it speaks from the heart. i enjoyed the begining, but found the ending a bit lacking and difficult to read. even flow TY + Report this comment
Posted by indianaman130 2008-06-15 16:03:27 .... This is about seeing Great Goodness and Innocence in a beautiful woman while i, mere dirty mortal, think on how to twist her to my evil intentions. + Report this comment

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